As often as I knock out an article of such grace, such wit, and such
utter hilarity as "The Department of Agriculture's 1982 Orange Crop Report"
(that was for Playboy back in December), I have sometimes sat in front
of the computer, pen in hand, mind as blank as a... as a... you know, that
thing that's blank. What do you call it?
Anyway, through no fault of my own, several good ideas for potential
articles for this site have been lost into the nether regions of my abysmal
mind. By the time I revive them, what's more, the very purpose with
which I originally undertook them is lost. So I figured I would compile
a list of those articles and ideas that fell by the wayside on my trip
to the heights of "Special Education," "Ancient Chinese Secret," and "Yanni
Found Dead, Police Suspect Fowl Play." Perhaps my missteps can inspire
someone else to rip off the idea wholesale, and present it as their own...
"Penis Enlargement and You": This was a hilarious idea I had for a religious-themed
public-service announcement, in which Jerry Falwell would caution against
the dangers of putting your trust "not in the Lord, but in a Swedish penis
pump." Beyond that one line (a blatant adoption of the Swedish penis
pump from "Austin Powers") I found it hard to continue... no pun intended.
Any would-be finishers need to keep in mind that Jerry believes in the
Biblical maxim "It is not what the Lord giveth you, but what you doeth
with the Lord's plenty."
"Serial Killers of the World": This was a truly disgusting take on beauty
pageants that I conceived late one night, watching a rerun of "Law and
Order" (Jerry Orbach, he's so dreamy!). I began with the idea of
serial killers competing, "Running Man"-style, for cash prizes if they
could pull off a clever murder. Then I realized that I was indeed
watching "The Running Man" (which came on after "L&O") and thus had
ruined my own premise. I was so angry, I strangled a prostitute and
left her outside the local high school. I didn't receive any cash
because it wasn't "imaginative enough."
"Pulitzer Prize Winners Gone Wild": There is no higher honor in writing
than the Pulitzer Prize, and no higher party atmosphere than that encountered
on the "Girls Gone Wild" videos. Like so many failed attempts at
humor, this began with a clever title and ended up dry-docked in the portals
of my imagination, adrift from any sense of real or imagined sanity.
In other words, it stunk. Besides, who wants to see... whoever won
the Pulitzer dancing topless and taking shots of tequila in between hot
girl-on-author action?
"Bob Saget: Comedy Genius": It struck me one day that Bob Saget, the
erstwhile host of "America's Funniest Home Videos" and the nominal straight-acting
homo on "Full House," was the real impetus behind so much modern humor
that he needed to be memorialized for his gifts to the genre. After
all, without him we would never have learned to laugh at elderly relatives
taking baseballs to the crotch, babies throwing up on parents, or the Olsen
twins mispronouncing words while "reconcilliation music" cued up in the
background. This might actually be serviceable, however. I
call dibs...
"Final Destination 3: Really Lame Death Scenes": This is the most recent
idea, and it's based on the sidesplitting reaction I had to the big highway-accident
death scene at the beginning of "Final Destination 2." That was so
laughably over-the-top that I wondered "if Death staged everyone's demise
so elaborately, he'd be too busy to take the elderly in their sleep."
Therefore, I conceived a scenario in which Death decided to take out the
residents of a nursing home one-by-one... then I realized how dumb that
was. But I'm in talks with a producer to attempt a more dramatic
and socially rewarding project: All the actors from the previous two films
are cast in the third, in order to suffer the ultimate death: being cast
opposite Ted McGinley in a sitcom...
- Trevor
