There are many gurus when it comes to the language of love, many silver-tongued philosophers of the sacred art of gettin' busy.  But few really deliver on their promises to make you the life of the party or a hit with the chicks.  Whom can you turn to when your love life best resembles a "Charlie Brown" episode with yet another failed attempt to get with the Redheaded Girl?  Seek answers, you do, and I think I know who can help...

Many know him as one of the major figures of the 'Star Wars' trilogy, the ultimate Jedi master, a powerful being whose small frame betrays little of his mastery of the Force.  But the legendary figure of which I speak is also a whiz with the ladies.  What, believe me not, you do?

Yes, Yoda is the shit when it comes to getting laid, and he can help you too get some with only the finest honeys this side of Dagobah.  But what's his secret?  Some might say it's his abnormally large... lightsaber, while still others cite his ability to manipulate those of weak minds (i.e., Stormtroopers and busty blondes from California) to do what he wishes.  But that's far too crude for such a great Jedi master.

"Talk to women, I do," the 900-year old said in his first sit-down interview in years.  "Get into their pants, I try, with wit and flattery.  No mind tricks I do."

But how does he account for the staggering number of sexual conquests he has acquired throughout the galaxy?

"Powerful is the Jedi who uses his abilities for good," Yoda replied.  "No tail for those who abuse it.  Heh-heh!"

"Many a woman have I bedded," he went on, "likes to be thought of as more than just a sexual partner.  Their minds, I pretend to respect.  Confidence I exude, they admire.  A wimp no woman likes."

These seem like your standard types of advice for those unlucky in love, but what makes Yoda different?

"Send money, you will, to get tape of Yoda's dating tips," the crafty showbiz veteran says.  "'Getting Laid the Yoda Way,' it is called, and much wisdom it contains."

Without plunking down $15.95 (plus 8 Imperial coins shipping and handling), what tips can the diminutive old fox offer to Nothing-Sacred readers?

"Arrogance, a Jedi must not have.  Arrogance leads to hate, hate leads to anger, and anger leads to chronic masturbation."

Yoda cites as a contrast those who have gone over to "the Dark Side" of the Force: "Nothing but a phallic symbol, the Star Destroyers are.  And impotent was the Death Star, premature was its demise."

Yoda's own track record with the babes is a stark rejoinder to the claims of one Darth Vader, a former pupil who turned away from Yoda's patented booty-call techniques and as a result became a mechanical creature.  Subsequently, Vader has not been seen with any ladies after his turn to the Dark Side, but he was rumored to be the partner of Emperor Palpatine.

"Useless, his 'lightsaber' is," Yoda cackled.  "Get it up, he cannot."

Yoda's prize pupil, Luke Skywalker, has this to say about his teacher's course: "Yeah, it was working great, til I realized Leia was my sister.  Now I kinda keep to myself, but were I ever to encounter a non-relative who dug me, I'd be sure to use Yoda's skills for myself.  I just have to meet the right alien, that's all."

Yoda can be found most days at the Five Palms Resort in Miami, where he leads seminars in the afternoon entitled "Get You Laid, I Will!"  He is also planning to branch out into real estate, which, as he says, "booming, the market is!"  He hopes to move into the realm of self-help gurus like Tony Robbins and Dr. Phil, but he is happy to simply be remembered for his contributions to the universe so far.

"Destroyed the Empire, I have helped to do, and much money I have made from my 'getting laid tapes.  Add a greenhouse to my condo, I hope to do."

Does Yoda have any final words of advice for those in a galaxy far, far away from even the remotest chance of love?

"Love yourself, you must learn to do first.  Beautiful women love a confident man.  Many trials you will face, but resolve you must have.  It is pussy you seek, and pussy you must get to complete your training.  If all else fails, whip out your lightsaber you must.  How do you think an old Jedi Master scores so much, as I do?"

- Trevor