Just when I though I could finally get some peace and maybe a little piece, all I get is more annoyance from you whiny little greasepennies out there.  "Oh PizzleWig, I can't tie my shoelaces,"  "PizzleWig, help me wipe my ass."  Fuck all of you oily dirtcrouchers.  I've had it.  Well, at least this time when I looked I got this fucking thing:

Not bad, but how come you picklepricks keep sending me lesbos?  I happen to like seeing titsmellers getting done the old fashioned way too.  Still, they're hot, which is what those gloryhogs Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent are going to be when I send My Fiery Ball of Barbecue at them.  Ah well, let's get to your stupid goosepaddling questions so I can get back to watching game shows and eating Divine Double Cheeseburgers.

"Blade," "Forceps," and "Nail Clipper" write:
Yo, wassap?

Me and the posse is lookin to start a gang or a cult.  whats the best way to do this?  any thoughts on how to get more members?

Righteous Ron:  My friends, cults are the surest sign of Satan the Imperial Naughty Person.  To come together and praise an almighty being that controls your moves and tells you what to do is a sure sign of mental weakness and possibly insanity.  Instead of doing that, you should go to church and pray to His Supreme Master Chef God, that's a much better avenue to explore!

PizzleWig:  Your "posse?"  You twerpy little gagglefarts couldn't scare a hair off of My Ass.  Maybe what you should do is skip directly to the mass suicide and rid the world of three more hobos.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  I do like the disguises, they are definitely on the right track to international espionage and slaughter.  However, the bullseye on your shirt will only allow Eks that much clearer of a shot with his poison tipped arrows fired from a high velocity crossbow.  Think about instead investing in black robes which shroud your entire identity.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  I'm seeing a forked path in front of your.  Whichever path you choose, you're forked.  This is only a joke in the form of a play on words, but the message is the same:  you will all die screaming in an unexpected roller coaster explosion.

Corey Bundlesnort of Tuscaloosa, AL writes:
hey what do you think about papa roach?do they suck?
 

Righteous Ron:  What exactly is a "papa roach?"  Unless it his His Mightiness and Expert Salsa Dancer Jesus Christ, I will have to agree that they do indeed "suck."  You should immediately abandon all thoughts about this "papa roach" and go directly to your bedrooms where you should pray to Der Fuerher God before he permanently seals you into His Forlorn Mansion with the Drywall of Doubt.

PizzleWig:  Who the fucksnorters is papa roach?  Probably one of those faggot-ass video games you fat tubs of shitlarmers keep playing while you're avoiding doing anything like getting laid.  Listen, tugboat, what you ought to do is stop watching TV, cut it down to only 14 meals a day, and fork over all your fucking vodka or a Holy Hurricane will be carrying your sorry ass off to the Holy Ocean.  I'll need to make it extra strong to pick up a rhinoglobber like you.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Many images are appearing in the crystal ball.  Almost all of them involve being savagely mauled by a rabid tiger.  The others change it slightly to a rabid leopard.

Ira Schmepplestein of Seattle, WA writes:
Hello gentlemen!

I have a problem with alcohol.  I drink until I can't remember what happened the night before, then wake up and begin drinking again.  I've been arrested 317 times for Public Intoxication, yet I still can't seem to quit.  I'm begging for help, please let me know.

Righteous Ron:  Since you are a Jew, you are beyond salvation and shall certainly roast in the God Foreman Quick Scorch Grill.  Enjoy, Jew!

PizzleWig:  What the fuck is with that beard?!  It looks like you're a fucking hayporker!  Anyway, sounds like you're a cockfumbler who knows how to have a good time, unlike any of these muzzledumpers I have to work with around here.  Let me know where you live, crotchtumbler.  We'll get plastered on My Divine Thunderbird, but you'll certainly remember every minute of it.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  It appears that you are well versed in the art of stealth in the form of undetectable masquerade.  This is a key asset when attempting to behead foreign delegates or next door neighbors.  Continue in this vein.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Your lifeline has an odd characteristic:  it's not there.  You are most certainly dead as of this writing.

Pat Hinglester of Poteau, OK writes:
Hey guys!  And girls, sorry!

A male coworker has made several sexual advances on me.  I have always maintained that I should remain a virgin until marriage, but there I times when I find the urges within too difficult to resist.  Please let me know what I should do in this situation.  Thanks!

Righteous Ron:  You are a commendable person, Pat.  In times like these, when Satan the Conqueror routinely enters the minds, souls, and bodies of people and makes them do inexplicable and shameless acts such as fornicate or watch television or have friends, it is good to see a person with real, moral, mindless Biblical values.  My advice would be first to sacrifice this lecherous heathen to God the Impaler and then begin praying immediately for either salvation or death, which is even better because then you get to play checkers with Jesus and sample His Mighty Fondue.

PizzleWig:  Listen dude.  Oh sorry, you claim to be a woman, so I'll go along with that, ticklefucker.  With a face like that, you should be gripping onto any fiddleshit that comes your way like you clearly grip onto pork rinds because you're a fatass bubblebunghole.  Just make sure you hide your penis when he goes in for the kill or he might beat your sorry shitstirring ass.  You may as well let his seeing eye dog (since this noodleswallower is clearly blind) mount you too, since he's probably closer to your species.  Either that or just jump into the path of an oncoming bus.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  A male in the throws of passion is almost invariably blind to the onslaught of weapons and death-dealing tactics of a true warrior.  Lead your victim to your lair and proceed with the dismemberment as planned.  Make absolutely certain that your fusion reaction powered hovercraft is ready to take you on a swift and silent getaway.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  While tarot cards and astrology can often lead to stunning revelations about a person, I can tell simply be looking at you that the cancerous tumor in your brain is about to hospitalize you for good.

Eddie Chorbolobski writes:
Me am like girl.  Girl no like me.  Me try many things to get girl, like punch her in nose and run her off road with me pick up truck.  She still no want go out with me.  One time even me tell her she pretty and then bury me face in her boobies.  This make me spend time in jail with men who touch me in weird places.  Then me write love poem that say "Me want grab your boobies, Me want smack you teeth, Me want grab me private parts, Kick me in me crotch so me can go poo"!  She no like me poems!  Why me no get girl?  Tell me how me get girl!  GIRL!

Righteous Ron:  Women are fickle and very difficult to understand.  Though this may surprise you, even I had troubles with the fairer gender.  I would talk to them and they would immediately begin kicking me unendingly in my underdeveloped groin.  Then I discovered that the true way to meet a good woman is in The Happy Love Shack, frequently called church.  Find a woman who sits silently and obeys your every command, just as a true woman should.  This will lead to Glorious Enchantment through the sanctity of wedded bliss and thoughtless servitude.

PizzleWig:  Sweet fartdelvers, I ain't even reading your question.  You need to get yourself into the path of several stray bullets right the fuck now so that no one ever has to look at your turddangling face again.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The Leo is one of the strongest signs of the zodiac.  One of them will undoubtedly beat you death.

OK, fuck this.  There wasn't even one hot chick in the whole bunch of shitgobbler questions this time.  You heatfreckles really need to either get hot or shut the fuck up.  Me, I'm going back to My Mighty Potato Chips and waiting for the next wave of twatfumblers' questions to arrive.  Until then, fuck you.

- PizzleWig