Scene: Interior of a bedroom, late at night. SEAN HANNITY sits in bed
in pajamas, laptop in his lap, typing furiously. MRS. HANNITY enters
from stage left, dressed in silky negligee, and proceeds to sit upon bed...
Mrs. Hannity: Sean, put that away. Time for us to be alone...
Sean (oblivious to wife): Ha-ha, take that Bill Clinton! Woo-wee,
I wish I'd used this on the show tonight with Alan (Colmes, Hannity's co-star)!
Mrs (spies slight bulge under the laptop): Oh honey, can't you wait
until we cuddle a little?
Sean (suddenly notices wife, but not cognizant of her apparent attractiveness):
What's that? Oh, yeah, I always get a little excited when I'm typing
up my column. Man, will Alan be miffed when he reads this!
(returns to typing)
Mrs : Forget about Alan, okay, baby. Let's focus on us.
Now, the doctor said if we tried during my early...
Sean: Just let me finish this paragraph (typing subsides and comes to
an end) okay, what were you yammering about?
Mrs (upset): Sean!
Sean (smiling): Just kidding, honey-bunny. (awkwardly tries to show
affection by rubbing her elbow)
Mrs : Sean, you know how long it's been since we... (starts looking
at him to imply that they haven't slept together)
Sean (clueless): Had a picnic with Alan?
Mrs : No, since we... (starts gesturing sexual maneuvers such as blowjobs)
Sean: Oh! (catches on) Make a baby!
Mrs : Well, in a manner of speaking...
Sean: Darling, you know that, as Catholics, we have to conceive every
time we have sex. I was just debating it with Alan this evening...
Mrs (fed up): Enough about you and your show! ...let's just spend some
"quality time" together, okay?
Sean (hurt, but acquiescent): Alright, let me put up this laptop...
Mrs : I'll get the lights...
Lights go down; faint rustling onstage to suggest movement. SEAN and
MRS apparently trying to "make a baby."
Sean: Oh, oh my... darling, move a little to the left...
Mrs : There?
Sean: Yeah... wait, wait... I can't seem to find it.
Mrs : My...?
Sean: Baby hole. Where's your stinking baby hole?
Mrs : Sean, it's a vagina for pete's sake... oh, come on now!
At least try to enjoy it!
Sean: There's something wrong... Mister Peepers isn't feeling well.
Mrs : Seemed to be doing alright when you were writing your column...
Sean: Oh, yeah, my column, about liberals and how they control the media
(voice begins rising)... and how I was bashing Alan Colmes with that, the
liberal voice of 'Hannity and Colmes' (suddenly very excited, almost breathless)...
pansy ass liberal, with his glasses, and his weird hair, and his subservient
attitude...
Mrs (moaning while Sean's voice rises) : Oh, oh, that's it... there's
the rockhard Sean I knew and loved... wait, why are you talking about Alan
Colmes (seems to have moved from the proximity of Sean and disengaged from
sexual activity).
Sean (unaware his wife is no longer next to him) : Yeah, I really put
it to him tonight, he sure looked like a Clinton stooge when I waved my
pen in his face... AAGH! (supposedly climaxes at this point)
Lights come back on: SEAN lies under covers, topless, sweaty, nervously
peeking underneath when lights come back on. MRS is standing up next
to lamp, fully dressed.
Mrs : Sean! What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with
you?
Sean (flustered) : I.... I don't know... what you're talking about...
Mrs : You know damn well what I'm talking about! You have a thing
for your co-host!
Sean (angry, but obviously guilty): Why, that is an absurd allegation,
put out by the liberal media, and fostered among the Amer-
Mrs (interrupting): Sean, explain that (points to bulge under covers)
Sean : Oh, well... I guess, in all this excitement... about the liberal
media... Argh! (suddenly bulge increases, if such a thing can be believed)
Mrs : There you go again... I should have seen it coming (moves to chair
in the corner, sits and starts staring at the floor). All those late
nights when you were "working", all the restaurants we went to where Alan
"just happened" to be there... really, I should have seen it when you wanted
to take me to the Kennedy Center Honors for Oliver Stone, that was a dead
give-away... how could I have been so blind? (starts sobbing)
Sean : Honey (looks nervously at bulge, unsure about moving from the
bed)... darling, I think you're blowing... blowing this all out of proportion
(bulge shows signs of growing when Sean first says "blowing," but decreases
slightly. Pretty ghastly, actually)
Mrs : Well, I want you to leave, right now. I am tired of helping
you live a lie!
Sean: Honey, you can't be serious! (still can't move from bed) I abhor
homosexuality... why, I'm the biggest homophobe on Fox News!
Mrs : You do know that homophobia in extreme forms is just a cover for
latent homosexuality, right?
Sean : Why that's just a lie put out by the liberal... ooh! (You guessed
it, might need a change of covers soon)
Mrs (disgusted) : I'm gonna go sleep on the couch, and when I wake up
tomorrow and you're not here... well, don't expect me to cry! (exits)
Sean is now alone in the room, retrieves his top from the corner of
the bed and looks around nervously...
Sean : Honey? Sweetie?.... (looks nervously at the floor) Oh what
the hell? (retrieves laptop and opens it up) Time for me to accept
who I am...
"Hannity and Colmes" music keys up when Sean gets on Internet.
Sean begins typing, reading aloud for the benefit of the audience.
Sean: Hey Alan, Susie just found out about us. Hope you can keep
it on the downside when you see O'Reilly tonight. Say, has he got
over that bad case of herpes yet? I heard Geraldo initiated him into
the "Fox and Sodomy Friends" last month, hope I don't have it...
Scene fades as SEAN continues typing........
The End
Sean Hannity: George Clooney
Mrs Hannity : Salma Hayak
Directed by Mike Nichols off-Broadway, Spring 2004
Winner of seven Tonys
- Trevor
