Man oh man, I'm about as down on my luck as that poor, hapless sad sack Dante C. Raspeller.  After the last two times around the block (where the companies actually recognized me), no one will write back.  But, I thought "shit on it," as I often do, and decided to at least let you read my attempts.  Maybe there's something in there which, when cracked using the DaVinci Code, says "this is just a joke, stupid."  You make the call.

First up was a company whose name I don't even know, since the email I got has one of these deals as the subject:  (±¤°í)¡Ü**´ç½ÅÀÇ Ä«µåºûÀ» ´ë½Å°±¾Æ µå¸³´Ï´Ù.***@.  Oh yeah, that helps a lot!  But the web site had that hilarious picture above, so I knew I'd found some prime Dante fun.

From: The Danimal
To: softface@softface.co.kr
Subject: Questions for You Please!

Hello sir or madam or other!

My name is Dante and I have received an exciting email proposition for thrilling new products of various natures!  The problem, sirs, is that it has been quite some time since I spoke Korean, and my skills are bit on the rusted side, much like my front gate!

I am a Gulf War veteran and as such have encountered many struggles as I try to use arms and legs I no longer have.  I am always on the lookout for that life-saving product which can make living fun to the extreme, ma'am!  And this product appears to have all that and then some.  Right on the front page of your site is a woman playing air guitar with a comically oversized broom, and to me that shows fun and gleeful happiness for everybody involved, my friends!

Please let me know more about your product.  Also, please tell me more of the special free gift, it looks like hours of adventure!

Thank you, I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Next up was an email telling me emphatically that they want my skin.  While at first I thought this was perhaps from Hannibal Lector, possibly inviting me to star in yet another terrible movie with him, it turns out it was just a skin cream company.

From: The Danimal
To: info@age-force.com, sales@age-force.com
Subject: Re: DANTE We Want Your Skin!

Hello my friends and welcome!

Thank you very much for sending me this email about the super secret world of looking younger.  This is an answer to many questions I have had before and may possibly have again but hopefully not!

My name is Dante and I am a Gulf War Veteran.  As such, I have many rips and tears and scars and scabs about my face and body.  I am not exactly what you would call old, but my skin is roughly equivalent to that of an old saddle bag that has been dragged across a sandy field and then into a barrel of acid.  In short, it could look better, sir!

I have looked up and down and all over your website and have decided that this is almost certainly the product for me.  Will it work for other skin impurities besides simple aging wrinkles?  This would be simply splendid.  Also, are there more testimonials for the product?  The page says that there are, but I couldn't find them anywhere, even on different sites that were completely unrelated!

Please let me know these things and I will be happy to purchase this product at my earliest convenience, which would be both early and convenient!  Thank you ma'am!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Hubba hubba!  Who wouldn't want to buy anything to end up like that?  Sign me up, and Dante too!  But first, just a couple of questions for the people who promise this, Ener-X...

From: The Danimal
To: customerservice@ynotprod.com
Subject: Re: Ener-X for Better Sex

Hello my friends and good day!

My name is Dante and I am writing to you because of an email I received.  I am wondering how you knew I needed this help, but that is for another time!  The product is called Ener-X and promises many great sexual adventures!

I am a Gulf War veteran and as such am slightly missing some major body parts normally seen on people.  My love life has not been of the greatest standards because of this fact, ma'am, let me assure you of that!  But now I am blessed with the opportunity to have greater stamina and power in the slippery love shack!  This sounds wonderful!

Will this product work for anyone, even me?  I am just a humble man with meager beginnings.  Can even I benefit from this once in a lifetime product of mass hysteria?  And should I take the product and not immediately be turned into a hunky superstar, is there a refund in my foreseeable future?

Please help me, I appreciate any advice you can offer, thank you sir!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Well, this one seemed like a legitimate company.  Hell, I've even seen ads on TV for them, so you know it must be real.   And so, the questions begin a-flyin'.

From: The Danimal
To: info@dogeinstein.com, support@dogeinstein.com, service@dogeinstein.com
Subject: Questions for you please!

Hello my friends, and good day to all of you!

My name is Dante and I received an email a few days ago which held great promise in my humble opinion.  I will not bore you all the mundane details, but it said that I could in same way have a dog which is smarter than I am myself!  This would not say much as my brain has seen better days, but it would still be an improvement for my beloved dog Scraps.

I am a Gulf War veteran and as such have many painful and none-too-fun-to-look-at injuries that inhibit even the simplest of day to day events, such as drinking a delicious fruit smoothie.  As such, I decided to get a dog to help me.  Much like a seeing eye dog only I can see so that's just being silly, sir!  However, this dog is quite feisty and does not seem to obey me every time I humbly ask it to assist me in the various tasks I must accomplish.

I checked out your Sample Lesson and it is truly magnificent!  I am semi-permanently wheelchair bound though, so will tricks like this work for me as well?  And do they work for all breeds of dog?  Mine seems to be a crazy mix of several breeds and possibly animals other than dogs like lizards, I'm not zoologist ma'am!

Please let me know.  I am very interested in this course and would love any help you can provide.  Thank you kindly my friends!

Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Next up was one of the countless emails I receive every day promising to teach me Spanish.  Why this is thought to be such a highly demanded product, I'm not sure.  But Dante sure wants it.

From: The Danimal
To: info@free-cdsoftware.com
Subject: Re: Learn how to speak Spanish for FREE on CD-ROM!

Hello sirs!

I am excited to report that I have indeed received your email about learning to speak the exotic language of Spanish for free!

My name is Dante and I am a veteran of the Gulf War.  My various exploits in that area have left me with much scar tissue that make women disinterested in talking to me!  But if I learn Spanish, I can win them over like the latin lover in all of us, ma'am!

I have only a few questions about this adventure:  how much will I learn from the product?  For instance, would I be able to carry on complete conversations?  Also, is the course geared even for someone like me, with no experience in speaking foreign tongues?  If I try and fail miserably, something at which I excel, would there be a refund in my future?

I'm sorry to bother you, but a response to these few questions would mean the world to me.  Thank you for your time, kind stranger!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Next up, Igia.  Yes!  Another TV infomercial advertised product!  They've got to be interested in what I've got to say, Right?

From: The Danimal
To: customerservice@igia.com
Subject: Re: Make your skin problems disappear

Hello sirs!

I have just received your email about clearing up possible skin problems.  I must admit that this has added a ray of sunlight to an otherwise dreary day!

My name is Dante and I'm a Gulf War veteran.  After my time spent in that smoldery area, I contracted a bizarre strain of acne that will not go away no matter what I try, be it over the counter medications or furious scrubbing with steel wool.  But his product sounds fantastic, I am serious here, ma'am!

From what I gather, this is not a cure but a wonderful device which can cover the mild though oftentimes revolting blemishes on my skin?  Or will this also help them to go away?  I am confused and could use your guidance in this matter, my friend!

Thank you for your time and help and I look forward to your reply,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Last up on the block, Prize America.  With a half a dozen misses behind me, I didn't expect much from them either.  Though their email promised me $30 million bazillion trillion dollars, all I got was a crappy Flash game which offered a free membership.  Bah!

From: The Danimal
To: CUSTSUPPORT@PrizeAmerica.com
Subject: Re: Win up to $10 Million Instantly

Hello my friends!

I have just finished going over a life altering email telling me that I could possibly win up to ten million dollars!  This is more money that I can imagine, sirs!

My name is Dante and I am a Gulf War veteran.  During my many escapades, I severely injured my back and most other parts of my body.  Now I find steady work next to impossible.  A chance to win riches with virtually no work seems remarkable, I am telling you now!

I played the free game and won only a scratch and win card.  This took me to a page where I am supposed to register for an account.  If I may ask, does this cost any money?  I couldn't find any information on the subject, and I looked carefully for literally three minutes!  If this doesn't cost to register, how can you make any profit for yourselves?  If you are just a roving band of kind strangers giving money to poor old soldiers like myself, then God bless you, ma'am!

Please let me know how to proceed.  I'm anxious to begin risking it all for the chance at the large sums of moola!

Thank you and I look forward to hearing from you,

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

From: custsupport-PA@trfx-customerservice.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Win up to $10 Million Instantly

Dear Customer,        Thank you for your message to Prize America.     HERE``S HOW IT WORKS!        IT``S FREE, FAST & EASY!!!HOW TO PLAY PRIZE AMERICA(tm) FREE LOTTERY GAMES. Simply pick 6 numbersbetween 1 and 75 each day, excluding aforementioned legal holidays.Alternatively, you may have your numbers picked randomly (Fast Pick).Players must play each game they are offered in succession to be eligible toplay the subsequent game and must enter all of the first 9 games they areoffered in order to be eligible to play the Prize America(tm) Ten MillionDollar Game. There are 10 winning number drawings performed every contestday, Monday through Sunday - 1 for each of the 10 Grand Prizes offered:Game 1 - 1 Million Dollar PrizeGame 2 - Free Car (Approximate Value $50,000)Game 3 - Free Vacation (Approximate Value $30,000)Game 4 - 1 Million Dollar PrizeGame 5 - 1 Million Dollar PrizeGame 6 - Diamond Prize (Approximate Value $25,000)Game 7 - Rolex Watch Prize (Approximate Value $25,000)Game 8 - Sport Boat Prize (Approximate Value $30,000)Game 9 - 2 Million Dollar PrizeGame 10 - 10 Million Dollar PrizeSincerely,Prize America Customer Support <mailto:custsupport@prizeamerica.com> custsupport@prizeamerica.com

From: The Danimal
To: CUSTSUPPORT@PrizeAmerica.com, custsupport-PA@trfx-customerservice.com
Subject: Re: Win up to $10 Million Instantly

Thank you for the reply, sir!

This did not do much to answer my humble questions, unfortunately.  I would love more than anything to win the prizes of money and other fine jewels, but I would like to know the cost to me, the humble consumer!

If in fact, this is free as you've said many times, ma'am, how do you make a profit?  Are you simply good natured fun people with money and other prizes to give to the poor slobs of the world such as myself and others with life altering scars?

Please let me know so that I might join up within seconds!

Thank you,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

- Danimal