Greetings, Assassin Associates. A slight mishap involving several
tons of explosives in Spain has cut Eks's European holiday/beheading short,
so I returned to decode my many electronic transmissions. Here was
one exchange of note:
From: Eks isAbitch
To: eks@nothing-sacred.net
Subject: Real Ultimate Power!
You are a fucking queer! You site sucks! Nothing sacred
is a big bunch of fags. Real Ultimate Power is totally sweet and
you guys suck each others pee-pees. How can you rip on other sites
when your site sucks big fat ass donkey nuts. You fucking pansies.
You should slice your own site, it sucks too bad. Go fuck yourself.
Fuck You
Bob
From: Eks the Assassin
To: Eks isAbitch
Subject: Re: Real Ultimate Power!
How have you found me here?
Bob, Eks is at something of a loss. Your electronic transmission
appears to be fragments of several different codes, none of which make
any sense. The Assassin shall diligently work to try and figure out
what the message is, even if it requires hiring drunken school children
and lobotomizing them first. At the very least, creating an email
account in honor of Eks is truly a step in the right direction.
Drink cyanide at once to eliminate all evidence of this transaction.
From: Eks isAbitch
To: Eks the Assassin
Subject: re: Real Ultimate Power!
Be ready when your death comes swiftly from a NINJA!
From: Eks the Assassin
To: Eks isAbitch
Subject: Re: Real Ultimate Power!
Through what means have you located me again?
Death will undoubtedly come quickly for The Assassin, though it is not
too likely that it will be from a ninja, or even a NINJA, as Eks's skills
are unsurpassed in the arena of dismembering and mutilating all opponents.
Ignite your computer to destroy this message.
From: Eks isAbitch
To: Eks the Assassin
Subject: (none)
You better hope you die in your sleep. Either way, you're not
going to see it coming.
From: Eks the Assassin
To: Eks isAbitch
Subject: Re: (no subject)
How have you tracked me down to this point?
Your message is again a whirlwind of mystery. You present only
one option, yet follow it with "either way." This is chaos for all
who lay eyes on it. The Assassin may well need to put you out of
your misery. A fair price can be arranged if you'd like.
Contact me only using smoke signals and we will work out a time and
place.
As is readily apparent to all with eyes, this fiend must pay the price.
However, time does not permit such action at this juncture, so let us feast
out eyes on another internet web abode who wishes to challenge the might
of The Assassin.
The Victim
Sickest
Site on the Web contains much mystery and confusion in the form of
trickery and deceit. It claims to contain "humor," yet there is nothing
even remotely in the neighborhood of comedy. Instead, it is a myriad
of pictures of inferior opponents pretending as if they have athletic ability
by riding on skateboards. Eks remember having a skateboard at the
age of three, there has been little use for one since that age.
Another blatant falsehood, this number is claiming to represent the
number of people who have surfed into this abode. Unfortunately,
we all know that this number, including Eks, should be one.
Such a travesty must be addressed immediately.
Does 2 + 2 = 4 to You?
This is classic brainwashing, as taught at secret underground universities
known only to cunning stealth masters such as myself. The basic idea
is to force the subject to give incorrect answers to simple arithmetic
questions or severe punishment, typically large doses of voltage, are quick
to follow.
As Eks practically invented this tactic, it was no use on me.
Yellow Snow
Another confounding array of nothing, this particular room of the abode
contains a rather poor photograph:
That does not appear to have been taken with any camera The Assassin
knows, so how did this abode get it? Truly a mystery to be solved
in the near future.
But first, swift and severe retribution.
The Bush Hating Page
How dare any person defile the greatness of President in Chief Bush?
Agree or disagree with his politics, the man is still the leader of the
armed forces, as well as the one who sends certain covert operatives skilled
the art of combat and death dealing weaponry on dangerous missions which,
performed correctly, can be fun.
Eks was careful to avoid hitting Mr. Commander, but demolished the rest
of the room accordingly.
The author of the abode
wisely decided to remain anonymous, as no name or likeness adorned any
room. However, this willing victim lay in wait for her fate, as it
is yet another obvious deception. No sane human could believe that
the author would ever see
such a female specimen!
Another tally in the column of wins for The Assassin. Very little
challenge, but an exciting adventure nonetheless. There is still
a room called "Forum" which Eks left unmarred for the destructive enjoyment
of you, fearless Assassin Associate. Strike swiftly and silently,
lest you find yourself...
- Eks the Assassin
Got a site you'd like Eks to slice? Send
it to him!
