My fellow Americans,
We live in grave and dangerous times, times in which madmen who rule
Iraq with an iron fist don't have the damn courtesy to even have weapons
of mass destruction, times when maverick judges in Alabama can't display
the Ten Commandments without getting liberals in a tizzy, and times in
which Mel Gibson's "Lethal Weapon 4: Crucifixion Time" is roundly denounced
as "anti-Semitic" simply because it says the Jews killed Jesus. We
all know that these Semitics (whoever they are) didn't kill Jesus, just
the Jews...
Anyway, as I was saying, we live in dangerous times, and the most pressing
danger we face as a nation is the prospect of homosexuals getting the chance
to be married. As a married man, I can honestly say the idea of homosexuals
getting wed disturbs me deeply. Why anyone would want to get married
if they didn't knock up the gal is beyond me. But more than that,
this is simply the first step towards a path that will lead us to ruination
as a nation.. heh-heh, kinda rhymed! How 'bout that?
You see, after consulting my Jack Daniels... er, my Bible, I realized
that homosexual marriage is only the first phase of what I like to call
the "queering-up of America." For centuries, we have been able to
see gay men on TV, acting all girlie and stuff, and laugh at them from
the comfort of our own homes. Well, we can laugh no longer, because
now they want the states to recognize their unnatural and completely un-Christian
style of sex. How un-Christian are they, you ask? Well, consider
this: Most God-fearing folk "do it" in the missionary position, unless
they're high on smack. Then they're libel to do anything, heh-heh...
but these homos, well, go around the back and... you get the idea.
Actually, that only applies to male fashion designers: butch lesbos are
nice enough to face one another while fornicating, and I applaud them for
recognizing the morally pure way of sleeping together.
If we don't ban marriage between one man and one wo... oops, I almost
mispeaked. Me hate when happens to me that does.
If we don't ban marriage between one man and one man, or one woman and
one woman, then what's to say they'll stop there. It's like them
potato chips I always have to get when I've done a little reefer with Rummy:
you can't have just one. Multiple marriage partners for homos is
just wrong, wronger even than the idea of monogamous marriages for homos
to begin with. Can you imagine that, my fellow Americans? I
mean, threesomes are kinda kinky, but you don't want to marry Condi and
Colin while you're still with Laura!
And think about the alimony you gotta pay out if you get multiple-divorced?
Shit, I'd have to go back to crashing on Daddy's couch if Laura found out
about me and Ann Coulter in the White House garden... not that that's ever
happened, mind y'all. I have restored dignity to the White House
and all that.
What's to stop homos from marrying people other than humans? Let's
say a homo decides to marry a dog, or a cat, or David Gest. Such
unions are unmentionably awful to behold, and what's more unnatural.
God did not make man to sleep with a horse, never mind my old frat's initiation
prank. I learned that the hard way.
What if homos decide to not get married... well, then they'd be smart.
Marriage isn't something a sane person enters into. And homos have
been shown to be really smart, mainly at math and junk. Or is that
Asians? Shit, who was I talking about in this speech, Asians or homos?
Well, I hate when thought of train me lose I do...
My fellow Americans, I leave you with the thought that I am morally
certain God did not mean for a man and a woman -- a man and a man!
Whew, can't believe I screwed that up again! -- to be united in holy matrimony.
But if they must infringe on our sacred institution of marriage, I say
to hell with it. You homos sure will love it when your "wife" starts bitching
about how much time you spend with your National Security Adviser while
"she" has to sit around and do nothing all day. Yeah, enjoy it boys,
you'll be begging to get homo divorce on the books next...
I have run out of stuff to say, my speechwriter-guy up and left me to
write all this and I am bushed (heh-heh, that's my name!), so I'm gonna
go take another "nap" with some Crystal Meth I got off Cheney this afternoon.
So let me leave you with these words of advice, my fellow Ah-mur-icans:
Never trust a fart.
Sincerely,
George W. Bush (President, USA)
P.S. Vote for Me this year! (especially you homos)
- Trevor
