(Stirring military music as Bill O'Reilly comes back from break)
O'Reilly: Welcome back to the "Factor", folks. In tonight's
"Back of the Book" section, we tackle the subjects of the day with a million-year
old carpenter who claims to be the "Son of God." He's upset that
President Bush has claimed "divine inspiration" from him, and he's here
to set the record straight. What does this loser have against our
President? Joining us from our Jerusalem studios is Jesus Nazareth...
Jesus: Thanks, Bill, but it's Jesus "of" Nazareth. My real
last name is Chr...
O'Reilly: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, what's your take
on the whole Janet-Jackson-showing-her-boob? Weren't you morally
outraged by that, if you're so high-and-mighty?
Jesus: Well, I wasn't particularly bothered...
O'Reilly: What, did you get off on that, Jesus? Don't you
worry that children seeing this during a supposedly family oriented event
will be ruined for life? What kind of a religious nincompoop are
you, Mr. Christ?
Jesus: Bill, the body is a beautiful thing...
O'Reilly (chuckling derisively): Yeah, sure...
Jesus: ...and I think Ms. Jackson could have been a bit more
reserved, but there's more important things going on in the world today
that I'd like to address.
O'Reilly: Uh huh, and what's that, "Big J?"
Jesus: Bill, you don't have to insult me...
O'Reilly: I'm not insulting you, you just admitted on a nationally
watched program (the most watched cable news program, by the way) that
you got off on Janet's boob!
Jesus: Now you're just taking what I said out of context!
O'Reilly: Whatever. Say, Jesus, what's your take on Roy
Moore and the Supreme Court? Don't you think the ACLU is trying to
purge any mention of religion from American life?
Jesus: Bill, I obviously am of the opinion that religion can
be a positive thing...
O'Reilly: Well, we agree on something...
Jesus: But I think Mr. Moore violated the principal of "separation
of church and state" by placing the Ten Commandments outside his courthouse.
I think it's wise to keep myself, and Allah, Mohammed, Buddha, Gary Coleman,
etc., from being used to further governments that stigmatize those not
of the "official faith." And Bill, any student of medieval history
could tell you all about the destructive influence of religion (specifically
the misuse of my own) for the Cru...
O'Reilly: Let me stop you right there, hippie. We here
at "The Factor" obtained a super-secret document from inside the ACLU,
stating quite clearly that, and I quote, "God has no place in the modern
American dialogue, and thus we Communists sympathizers should do all we
can to strike his name from the record. Hail Satan." Now, you
can't tell me that's a forgery, or that someone's pulling our tails.
This is an actual, and pretty damning wouldn't you say, memo from inside
the offices of the most unpatriotic, godless organization since Hitler!
Jesus: Bill, trust me when I say that was a forgery. You
can see the stains from the "O'Reilly Factor" coffee cup...
O'Reilly (yelling): That's a baseless accusation! How dare
you come on my show, MY show, and accuse me of trying to falsify information.
I won two Peabodys back with "Inside Edition," you'd think I know a thing
or two about journalistic ethics!
Jesus: Sorry, I'm just unable to ignore...
O'Reilly (face breaking out in splotches): I'll tell you what
you can ignore! You come on my show, you insult the very seriousness
of the Super Bowl half-time incident, and then you accuse me of being a
liar! What are you, Al Franken?!
Jesus: I am the Son and the Light, and all that come unto me...
O'Reilly: Okay, whatever. So you're a Bush-basher, aren't
you, Mr. Christ?
Jesus: Bill, I simply wish to point out that President Bush is
a bit mistaken in thinking I told him to propose a constitutional amendment
on marriage being a union between a man and a woman.
O'Reilly: Oh, I see. You want homosexuals running wild,
procreating in the streets and marrying in public view, kissing each other
and caressing the inner thighs while innocent children and New York Times
best-selling authors look on, envious that they can't be open about...
erm, I mean you want two men parading around, insulting the sacred trust
of marriage?!
Jesus: I prefer to keep my views on such matters private.
O'Reilly: I bet you do, perv...
Jesus: But Bill, don't you think compassion should rule the day?
After all, September 11th taught us all...
O'Reilly: ...that Bush is the greatest president since Richard
Nixon. Newsflash, Hay-zeus: we already knew that. That's why
bleeding-heart liberals like yourself, who control the mainstream media
and never would let me anchor my own news program, that's why you hate
him so much and want to see him fail.
Jesus: Bill, you totally stepped over my response, and put words
into my mouth.
O'Reilly: Words that you might not use in everyday conversation
with the common hard-working American, J.C., but words that you no doubt
use in your penthouse overlooking Times Square, where you mingle with the
beautiful people of the Left and sip champagne and won't let me in unless
I'm serving hors d'ouvres because I'm just another uppity Mick, ain't I?
Give me a break, "Son of God" wannabe: You're just another pinko who'd
thrown up his arms in defeat, just like Gore would've had HE been president.
I suppose you're supporting Howard Dean, then?
Jesus: Actually, I was rooting for Sharpton, but that's a different
matter...
O'Reilly: This segment's run long, Jesus, but I'll sum up for
the viewers what it boils down to: You are a Communist. You hate
Bush. You want Al Qaeda to rob us of every important freedom, especially
the ones we've had to suspend in times of war. You dodged the draft,
but not in an honorable way like George W. Bush. You think it's all
right to corrupt little children by forcing them to sit with their nose
to the TV screen anytime a woman shows off her naked breast. You
killed Laci Peterson. You watch Larry King. You're just a tool
of the liberal elite, who owned CBS back when I worked there. Or
was it ABC? Never mind, the fact is you are just another hippie who
wants to give Iraq to the Iraqis, who are just so dumb they'd elect Howard
Dean or Saddam again. And you're supposed to be a moral leader in
the religious community?
Jesus: Bill, I...
O'Reilly (cueing exit music): Well folks, that was another product
of the Sixties lefties who want you to sleep with darkies and get high.
Good riddance. We'll be right back with your e-mail and the address
to order my new book, "Who's Looking Out for You?"
Announcer: And stay tuned for "Hannity and Colmes" with special
guests John the Baptist, Buddha, and Dr. Laura."
- Trevor
