I recently had the pleasure of going to Phoenix, Arizona to cover the yearly Prophylactics Conference for Nothing Sacred.  Here follows the schedule of events that I followed at the conference (though there is much more to it than what I actually covered; there was just too much).

8:00 AM, Breakfast:
We met at the Marriott's nice conference hall where we all at breakfast. There were thousands of people there!  I was lucky enough to eat breakfast with the inventor of Easy Come, Easy Go, Carl Lameroux, a male climax control product.  He filled me in on a lot of insider secrets to the industry.  Did you know that all spermicidal lubricants contain monkey feces?  Neither did I.  Fucking disgusting.  Apparently, it's being eaten up with the shit. After he had doomed my significant other and myself to pregnancy, he went on to tell me about his product.  It comes in three flavors; strawberry, chocolate, and semen.  The first two options sounded delicious, but the third was a little offsetting.  When asked why he would make it semen flavored, Lameroux propositioned me to go back to his room with him.  I declined.

8:45 AM, Welcoming Address:
Joe Haines addressed the audience while we polish off our breakfast (and while others, like Carl Lameroux, were thinking about polishing other things off).  He encouraged everyone to have a good time and to revel in the joys of working in the Prophylactics Industry, one of the most important and fiscally successful industries in the developed world.  He insisted on "pumping" up the troops by using these horrible puns like "Let's get a hard-on for Prophylactics" and "Rub a Rubba'." Though these were delightfully cheesy, the industry types were eating it up.  He then made us all do the wave.  How embarrassing?

9:30 AM, The Vendor's Show
We had a chance in the morning to peruse the many prophylactics in use today at the Vendor's Show.  I participated in the condom taste-testing session and the "Condom Toss" events.  I thought I saw Carl Lameroux following me, but I must have just been imagining it.

12:30 AM, Working Luncheon
We had what was called a "Working Luncheon" where professionals talked about the problems of the industry while they ate.  It was like open mic night for baby boomers and guys who can't get laid.  Among the many problems, they saw for the industry was the need for a more aggressive internet marketing scheme.  After an hour and a half of working, it was decided that Kip Winger was to be their Internet spokesman.  Yes, that Kip Winger.

2:15 PM, Breakaway Session 1, "Why Condoms Work":
There were many breakaway sessions I could have attended, but I decided to go to the "Why Condoms Work" session thinking it would be heavy on the science and light on the idiocy I had found most of the day.  Quite the opposite occurred.  I thought it would be a long, beneficial session, but the guy giving the session just came in and said, "You put the condoms on your peter." He then walked out.  Session over.  I had to wait another two hours for the next session to start.  Sure, I could have used my time much better by going into another session, but that's just awkward walking into a session midstream.

3:00, Encounter with Carl Lameroux in the Men's Room:
While using the rest room while I waited for the next breakaway session, Carl Lameroux walked in.  He stood at the stall next to me.  I didn't want to make eye-contact, but something compelled me to do so.  Upon doing so, he blew me a kiss and mouthed something breathlessly at me.  I pretended it never happened.

4:15 PM, Breakaway Session 2, "The Phallus of the Phuture":
This one just creeped me out.  This guy, who obviously had read one too many X-Men comics, was suggestion that our penises were evolving.  They weren't getting bigger, he said, but they were gaining powers.  Mutant superpowers that would help them bring peace to humanity.  He made us write down three superpowers that we wanted our gentiles to have.  I did as he asked, and he had each of us read aloud one of our answers.  It felt like some kind of perverse therapy session.  Then I found out the real reason; he had an erection.  I felt used.  While it did keep my interest, I left with the feeling that I had once again been cheated.

6:30 PM, Dinner and Awards Banquet:
Carl was nice enough to request a seat for me at his table.  My name tag was miraculously placed beside his.  He kept rubbing my leg all through the main course, but I tried to pay it no mind.  The National Prophylactic Foundation Awards ceremony followed shortly thereafter.  Among the many winners were David Bailes, who ran away with the top honors for the evening, the Golden Achievement Award for Prophylactic Excellency for making a doughnut-flavored condom.  It was at this point that Carl Lameroux informed me had a few in his room if I'd like a taste.  Being a chubby bastard, it took all I could do to turn him down.

9:30 PM, Closing Statements:
John Haines spoke after the Awards Banquet.  I can't really recall what he talked about now because I was in process of warding off Carl from taking away my anus' virginal status.  I'm sure it was something motivational to pump up his industry workers to make the best product that they have done in years.  At the close of his speech, inflated condoms and confetti littered the conference hall and provided me with the perfect cover for escape.

- Brandon