The race for the Democratic candidate is becoming one of the most anticipated
and watched political events in recent years. Questions have been
bubbling in many political minds. Will it be Dean? Will Kerry
come from behind? Will Sharpton drop out before he furthers his agenda
as a laughing stock? Though this is all well and good, there are
several other candidates besides the 9 being reported by the mass media.
Here is a look at some of the other contestants.
Unknown until recently, Reagan was once a Democrat and
champion of homosexual chimpanzee rights.
Ronald Reagan:
Sure, he's forgotten who he is and what he's running for, but he should
make the race interesting. Reagan, a conservative poster child of
oppression and dominance, now claims to be a democrat. His announcement
has been mired recently by the CBS mini-series that would have revealed
that he was in fact once a democrat. His running motto is "Four More
Years... I think!" While he has already served his two allotted terms,
he plans to spend most of his time forgetting why he was elected in the
first place.
Gerald, shown here in one of his costumes, poses after
a Quaker political rally where he vowed to fight for "the little people".
Gerald Purvis:
Reining in from the Midwest, the breeding ground of moderates and easy
sorority girls, Gerald just received his G.E.D. at the age of thirty-six.
When asked what is next for him by his career counselor, he said he wanted
to be the President of the United States. In between bouts of uncontrollable
convulsions and fits of what can only be described as nearly unstoppable
masturbation rages, Gerald is fighting the good fight for all socially
unacceptable people. He is currently only touring six southern counties
in Iowa, as per restrictions on his parole.
Gene and his new wife Butler (center) pose for a picture
outside a pretty house down the street after their wedding ceremony at
the courthouse in York, SC.
Eugene Swaney:
A relative newcomer to the race (and familiar
face to Nothing Sacred readers), Gene announced his intentions to run
for the White House late in 2003 to little fanfare. Insisting that
this not just an attempt for him and his wife to move out of his parent's
bedroom, Swaney has become the clear front-runner for the bottom heap of
the democratic pack. His campaign slogan has become the butt of many
jokes; "Beat Bush, By God!" Swaney shrugs off all of the attacks
from his competitors like a pro, stating that, "They don't know a God Damned
thing." No Gene, I guess they don't.
Gino Vannelli: A candidate for all gay looking men who
feel good about their love of perms.
Gino Vannelli:
Insisting that his record career is over, despite cries of solidarity
from his Swedish Fan club, Vannelli has now taken his stand in the political
arena. Vannelli assures everyone "One heck of an adult contemporary
concert" if he is elected. We can't wait, Gino.
James, seen here at the San Diego Comic Con, insists
that Xena will be his running mate.
David James:
Ever since George Bush stole the presidency from Al Gore in 2000, David
James has been politicking for the democratic nomination to take Bush down.
Visiting numerous X-Files, Buffy, and Trek chat rooms, he's been spreading
his message of love and frumpiness to the masses. He once started
a thread that received 13c replies, an almost unheard of amount at this
particular Twin Peaks chat room. He has proposed a risky, but possibly
feasible, "Superman Tax Cut" which would allow any filing their returns
while wearing glasses to file under the name of "Clark Kent." Other
candidates have attacked him not for this policy, but his apparent comfort
in showing his balls.
- Brandon
