I decided that after the festivities of the recent Christmas and New
Year's holidays (read: drinking heavily while naked and watching
old Mr. Bean episodes) that it was time for a brief break
from updates. However, I'm back now, so you can resume your original
suicide pacts.
OK, seriously now, what is the deal with these internet fanboys?
I've been surfing the internet since its inception. I can still remember
being at school and looking at the internet on Netscape (no version number).
It was slow, there were little or no graphics, only one font, one color
scheme, and every site was about Star Trek. But still,
it was new technology and I felt a thrill at being one of the first to
see it (NOTE: thrills came from stumbling on the occasional porn
site). And even with all that time surfing the internet I've never
once felt compelled to write to anyone. Once in a while I'd want
to write to someone to say what a good job they were doing, but never to
voice my opposing opinion. I figured two things: 1) I could
just go on my with my business and never return to the offending site,
and B) the author probably doesn't care anyway. This evidently is
too advanced a philosophy for the people on the web today.
I could literally do an update every day showcasing the latest email
I got from some idiot who read my absolute and indisputable Top
Ten Worst Bands list that I wrote somewhere around the 18th century,
but I typically limit them only to the ones which have extended dialogs.
Such as this exchange between myself and one "Colin
O'Hara."
From: Colin
O'Hara
To: danimal@nothing-sacred.net
Subject: (none)
alright dude i don't know who u are..but i just saw ur list of the top
10 worst bands of all time..and i was not only horrified as i scrolled
down to see one classic rock band after another with more musical talent
in there pinky finger then you have in your obviously pathetic life..get
trashed on for there creativity. Then you out did yourself by ripping on
your "honerable mention" winner Nirvana. I don't know if you own nevermind
there breakthrough album..obviously you don't...but i counted..lets see..at
least 9 radio hits on there. Thats 9 not 1..the 1 you refer to became an
anthem for a generation and changed the talentless emotionless dribble
that rock was a decade before. You know absulutely nuthing about music...there
are proibably a million and 1/2 music cridics out there who would STRONGLY
dissagree w/ u on every or all of your selections. Please tell me that
ur deaf or something...thats the only excuse you have for bieng an utter
and complete rock music moron
your friend
me
Oh no, I offended another person by saying I don't like a band they do
like. Boo hoo, I feel terrible. At least I assume that's the
message of this email, since it's apparently written in some sort of Old
English offshoot, possibly Chinese. I did gather that he may or may
not disagree with every, or even as many as all of my selections.
I'm not sure which is worse.
From: The
Danimal
To: Colin O'Hara
Subject: Re: (none)
Hi Colin,
After drinking several gallons of paint thinner so I could understand
what you had written, I must thank you for pointing out that Nirvana had
9 radio hits. Interestingly, only one of them was an actual hit.
Also, of the other albums the released, they still had only the one.
However, if you'd like to continue living in your fantasy world, be my
guest. Why not say they had 50 hits? I mean really, go for
the gold, man!
I'm sorry to hear that you have such lousy taste in music, but I appreciate
the email nonetheless.
Now that's polite, and it even contains some sage advice. I mean,
why limit yourself to saying they had only nine hits? I was looking
at my extensive Twisted Sister collection and determined that they had
no less than 12 singles. But did they have twelve hits? Certainly
not. Just because a song plays on the radio doesn't make it a hit.
Let's see what Colin thinks of this!
From: Colin
O'Hara
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (none)
Hey Dan
out of extreme curiousity, i would love to know who then you think is
the best band? Obviously a groundbreaking era changing band such as nirvana
barely fits your bill, So who then strikes your fancy? As for your response
for saying Nirvana had only 1 hit i still must disagree, Just because Tenn
Spirit was there biggest hit..does not mean that it was there only one...in
fact u probably do not know this but they rarely played the song in concert
because they felt that they made other songs that defined them just as
well..if not better. looking back on there unplugged performance...in which
the song wasn't played..yet the performance still remains one of there
brightest moments....most of the public agree's. Again however i respect
your opinions and thank you for writing back
-Colin
That seems almost polite, understanding, and coherent (I did say "almost").
Hang on, could this be an intelligent fanboy? No, wait, there is
no such thing.
From: The
Danimal
To: Colin O'Hara
Subject: Re: (none)
Hey Colin,
I am well aware that Nirvana had SEVERAL other singles, but "Smells
Like Teen Spirit" was the only real hit. In any event, I have indeed
done a "favorites list" as well, you can check it out here:
http://www.nothing-sacred.net/articles/096
Any perceived sarcasm may or may not be intentional.
Why do they always ask who my favorite band is? What kind of diabolical
trap do they think they're laying? And most importantly, with all
the music out there, and the way a person's mood and taste changes almost
hour to hour, how could anyone ever even list
one favorite band?
Anyway, let's see what the possibly intelligent Colin had to say...
From: Colin
O'Hara
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (none)
Wow dan you really out did yourself this time pal. First and foremost
music taste IS a matter of opinion music taste cannot be facts because
everyone is different. That bieng said the only thing that can really be
accounted for is musical talent. Now ask yourself dan..what is musical
talent? Is it selling a million albums?? No it is not. Image which is so
often mistaken for talent is sometimes the main driven force behind selling
most albums. You do not need talent at all to sell albums. For example
anything that Fred Durest and his band....as well as Blink 182...Blink
183...and all the other Blink wanna bee's who's whole success measurement
lies on what there fans think of them and how they are portrayed in the
public eye. They as well of a slew of bands in this era are wastes and
are a symbole of what crap the music buesness is putting out these days.
Now I thank you for putting that sarcastic paragraph
or so up about nirvana. Not seing the "best of" page before i don't know
if u put that up just for me..or if that was originally up. Regardless
of the reason i saw ur top 10 and was absulutely astounded at the fact
that u can (dare i say) put some very talented musicians up...with these
fukin show tunes 70 sitcom TV stars like the brady bunch??...and muppets??....these
TV manufactured "bands" if u even want to call them that...are better then
nirvana???....if u want i can give you my home adress..and u can send some
of that crack down my way...cuz it must be some real good shit in order
for your thinking to be that construde. As for your endless cracks about
teen spirit bieng there only hit...i want you to do me a favor. go walk
down the street. ask anyone to name a nirvana song. If they are of this
generation obviously they are going to say 'smells like teen spirit". Now
ask them...name 2 MORE songs by nirvana..and i GAURUNTEE that if they knew
teen spirit...they will definitly know at least 2 more songs. What that
does this tell us? It tells us that they do indeed have mroe then one hit.
Same with the beatles...and possible Led Zeppline tho on a lessor scale
possible. Expect some of these answers:
"lithium"
"come as you are"
"rape me"
just to name a few. good lukc w/ your expidition and when your ready
to tell me im right..i'll be here. Thanks a bunch man
-Colin
Colin must have had his hands bandaged, possibly from a severe chemical
fire when he wrote that one. Forget naming Nirvana songs, I defy
you to find three correctly spelled words in that whole paragraph!
We learned some things from that: 1) musical taste is just
an opinion (which of course is false because both lists are cold, hard
fact), B) gauging musical talent is
not just an opinion but can
be measured using modern instrumentation such as the Doodlewadometer, and
third, Colin has virtually no knowledge of the English language.
I also liked the suggestion that I might actually alter an article just
for him. What the hell is wrong with these people? But nevertheless,
I am a tireless searcher for truth so I felt it only right to oblige and
write to him.
From: The
Danimal
To: Colin O'Hara
Subject: Re: (none)
I'll have to take your word for it that those were actual singles, since
I, being someone with taste, have never heard of any of those singles.
Big hits there!
So what, that's a "no" on the Top Ten List? Every one of them
is top-selling, talented artists with a slew of hits. And musical
taste is not opinion. It's documented fact. Look it up in any
textbook.
There's nothing that drives these fanboys more insane than when I remind
them taste is not subjective and is actually set in stone. If you
listen closely you can actually hear Colin's jugular burst.
From: Colin
O'Hara
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (none)
so then everyone who doesn't have ur musical taste is wrong?....lemme
quikly go e-mail the world that doesn't like some of those bands and tell
them that..hold on..might take a while...
p.s. some of ur selections were good musicians..trust me i know..others
are more then questionable...and as for not hearing about tghose nirvana
songs...i fear your alone on that notion my friend
How can you have a "p.s." with no signature? I'll never be able to figure out
that puzzle. At least he's finally catching on to the fundamental principle of the universe: anyone
who disagrees with me is wrong. However, this guy personally knows good musicians, so
I'd better get cracking on his survey idea...
From: The
Danimal
To: Colin O'Hara
Subject: Re: (none)
No, everyone who doesn't like the musical facts presented there is wrong,
since musical taste is 100% objective and in no way subjective. That's
why it's OK for people to do things like get angry and write emails to
people who run websites when their musical taste differs to tell them that
they are wrong and stupid and don't know anything. Geez, I thought
you knew that one.
Also, I spent all day asking people, just as you suggested. I
got lots of different answers, you were right! Just a few of them
were:
"Borderline"
"Material Girl"
"Like a Virgin"
"Music"
"Like a Prayer"
That's a lot! I guess that band whose name I can barely even remember
now because they're so obscure really did have a number of songs!
Har, har, I like that one. I've mentioned before that I don't really
pay attention to what I write so when I read them again it often amuses
me. I hit on a pretty good point there. Everyone always says
that musical taste is opinion and can't be wrong (which as we all know
is incorrect), but at the same time tell me
I'm wrong for not liking
a band. How can that be?
From: Colin
O'Hara
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (none)
hey ur right dan...."Nirvana" and "Madonna" do sound the same!...Great
job at sounding out the two words and using phonix prefixes to compare
both artists. Sadly however that is where there similarities end. Madonnas
songs her view on music and everything she is and was about is absulutely
different if not opposite then the ideals songs and musical talent nirvana
made. I am also at a loss for how at all u can even remotly compare the
band to the likes of N'sync. Lets pretend nirvana never came around. N'Sync
would have still shown there talentless asses to the mainstream teenyboping
candyland...if you want someone to blame for that...think Micheal jackson...or
New Kids on The Block...or artists that are at least a tiny bit similar
to them. And your completely right about Nirvanas influence on the "latin
explosion"! You know since they were a latin band at all. I just hate how
that spanish rock band only catored to the spanish public!...damn..if only
nirvana was an american band....
P.S. your music tatse is not wrong..it's just different from mine..thats
where the difference lies
There's almost nothing in that entire email that makes any sense at all
(such as it
again having a "P.S." with no signature) except that
part about Nirvana not catering to the latin explosion. They didn't?
Are we sure about this? After all, they permanently changed music
forever, so certainly they had a hand in that particular style, didn't
they? Another interesting point about the email is...
From: The
Danimal
To: Colin O'Hara
Subject: Re: (none)
Hang on though, didn't Michael Jackson and New Kids on the Block have
their big careers BEFORE Nirvana? The super great, music changing,
gigantic influence on the music industry Nirvana that changed everything
so much that music's EXACTLY the same now as it was before? Surely
that can't be, or it would almost seem that Nirvana had absolutely no impact
on the music industry at all and are simply one hit wonders that had a
brief moment of fame and then vanished into obscurity.
Oh, so people thought I was talking about MADONNA? Well, I went
back out and asked again and got a whole SLEW of titles again. Tell
me if these were one of the many Nirvana radio hits of superstar combustion!
"Who?!"
"Never Heard of 'em"
"Must Be One of Those Faggot Groups"
"Are They Like Backstreet Boys?"
"Wasn't That the Cult in Waco, Texas?"
"Yeah, Nirvana Was a Band. Sure."
Another excellent point for yours truly. The groups of today sound
like the groups that were around before Nirvana, but this makes no sense
since Nirvana so radically altered the sonic landscape of rock formality!
How can this be? Truly the mystery that will plague us forever, because
Colin never wrote back as he was too busy crying and listening to that
one Nirvana song--oh what is it called, something about spelling like a
team sprite or something--over and over.
Official Nothing-Sacred Scoreboard
Danimal - 45,567,826,964,432,792,518,451.6
Fanboy Losers - Diddley squat
- Danimal
