Sorry for the delay on this one, it was actually meant to go up yesterday.
You see, on the 31st I had been reading the Star (my source for
news) and seeing what harebrained and ridiculous crap they predicted for
2004. Then I thought "hey, we've got a lot of harebrained and ridiculous
crap too, we should do some predictions for the new year as well!"
So I got in touch with our resident psychic, Miraculo
the Magnificent.
To: miraculo@nothing-sacred.net
From: The
Danimal
Subject: Exciting Predictions of Wonder!
Hi Miraculo,
I bet you knew I was going to write, har har. Anyway, how about
throwing me some predictions for 2004. You know, this guy will get
married, world peace will break out, stuff like that. Please get
them to me by tomorrow, thanks.
Her reply came quickly.
To: The
Danimal
From: Miraculo
the Magnificent
Subject: Re: Exciting Predictions of Wonder!
The stars told me to check my email at this very moment.
I see you have quite a puzzle in front of you. When the moon is
high and with your being a Scorpio, the only possible course of action
is to buy a new car, for your old one is moments away from exploding into
a fiery ball of death, while the new one will last several weeks before
also exploding into a fiery ball of death.
I wrote back several times and got virtually the same response each time,
despite the fact that I'm not even a Scorpio.
It was clear that Miraculo wasn't going to be much help. However,
I'd already committed to our editor-in-chief and mentor
Calvin
"Words" Smith that I would do a predictions article. So, I was
stuck making the damn thing myself. Of course, I have zero psychic
ability or training, so I decided to use a fairly fail-safe method known
the world over by in-the-know psychics: make up a bunch of shit.
And so, allow me to proceed with...
Danimal's Eerily Accurate 2004 Predictions of Amazement
and Bewilderment!
There
will be several prestigious championship games across the many professional
sports, and not a single Chicago team will make an appearance in any
of them.
Friends
will at long last, and mercifully, go off the air, and the entire world
will collectively realize that television is absolutely no worse off without
it. Then the mass suicides will being, successfully weeding out the
idiots of Earth in one fell swoop.
Celebrities
will die. At least one will be a really old, washed up hack that
everyone laughed at and made jokes about up until his or her death.
The other will be a mildly popular young "up and comer" that no one really
cares about at all. In both instances, the American public will immediately
run out and buy everything associated with these people, pretending like
it's a terrible tragedy and that they are deeply saddened by their loss.
Deranged conspiracy
theorists will continue to pollute newspapers, radio talk shows, and
the internet with their insane ramblings about how the government is trying
to create injectable tracking chips, or how NASA controls the weather,
or some other nonsense that is almost impossibly far-fetched.
The United
States government will at long last perfect the killer ninja robots
which are fueled by the brains of lesbian zombies. These killer robots
will stalk the public and force them to do their bidding. They'll
invade foreign countries and print their own money, thereby destroying
the world's economy. They're coming you know, I've seen the blueprints!
What's the sound? Might be a robot coming to your door!
Tom Cruise,
homosexual extraordinare, will at long last come out of the closet,
surprising absolutely no one. Or at the very least, he'll pay millions
of dollars to yet another gay porn actor to shut him up and burn all known
copies of Cruise's earliest film work, Sorest Rump.
A normal and
every day food will suddenly be discovered by doctors and scientists
to cause cancer, AIDS, mad cow disease, and explosive diarrhea. Also,
eggs, which used to be good for you until they discovered they were bad
for you and rediscovered that they're actually good for you after all,
will be found to be bad for you again. Within six months, they'll be
good for you again.
A new band
will emerge from the music scene, and they will become a giant craze
with people everywhere. Rolling Stone magazine will
declare them "the greatest band in the known universe, past or present"
and compare them to another band from decades ago that will make people
think they're good and become loyal and devoted fans. All this will
happen despite the fact that they are horrible and sound exactly like every
other band on the radio.
Saddam Hussein
escapes capture and immediately begins to round up a new band of terrorists
and soldiers, tentatively calling themselves the White Satan War Murder
Death Stompers. Planning a major assault on the U.S., they will flee
to California. Their continued menacing presence will eventually
force President Bush and Governor Schwarzenegger to detonate several missiles
in the Golden State, permanently detaching it from the U.S. and sending
it seaworthy. All people the world over will cheer at the double
win of this situation.
Kind of gives you chills, doesn't it? I mean, seeing into the future
like this can kind of give you a sense of power. It's almost PizzleWig-like.
Anyway, just remember that when these events occur, smile and chuckle to
yourself because you already knew they were going to happen, but at least
attempt to act surprised. Happy New Year everyone.
- Danimal
