Well la-dee-dabba-doo, Christmas has come and thankfully gone once again.  Christmas, as many of you may or may not know, is Latin for "really crappy movies" and every year, that's just exactly what's in theaters and on TV.  Fortunately, it's a holiday, and therefore a day off of work, which means it's time to drink heavily.  And when I think of all the bullshit that Christmas brings with it, I need several cases of beer, as opposed to every other day when I need several cases of beer for medicinal purposes.  I'm not even sure where to begin, but I suppose the horrendous music is as good a place as any.

I've never liked Christmas music.  Actually, I don't even mind the actual songs about good ol' Jose or Jesse or whatever that guy's name who was born, such as "Angels We Have Heard When High" or "We Three Kings (of Oreo Tar)."  I really hate those sappy commercial pop songs which couldn't have possibly been made for any reason other than as a method of excruciating torture.  If I ever hear Bing Crosby or anyone else from that time because they all sound exactly the same singing some pile of shit about a "White Christmas" or "Decking the Halls" or "Rocking Around the Damn Tree of Shit" I'm going to stab everyone in my immediate vicinity with a staple gun.  Not the staples, the actual gun.  To make matters worse, every fucking time you turn on the radio that shit is playing.  Can radio stations come up with nothing more original?  Hey, it's Christmas time, I know, let's play some fucking Christmas music!  Brilliant idea, douchebag.  And they play it in every store, and during commercial breaks on TV, and then there's those assholes who sing at you outside your door.  That's actually kind of fun because you get to see them take off running when you throw a hand grenade at them.  I actually have a loaded gun down my pants at all times not just to impress the ladies, but also in case I ever hear the song "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ever again.  And hey, speaking of Merry Christmas...

What's this bullshit asshole crapola where we all have to say "Happy Holidays" now?  Or "Season's Greetings?"  Or some other vague, generic message that in no way mentions Christmas?  Fuck every last one of you.  I go out of my way to go around and say "Merry Christmas" to every one I see, alive or dead.  I put it on my answering machine (TOTAL NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO CALL AND HEAR THIS:  -2).  Why the holy shit can't we acknowledge Christmas?  You know, if I wished a good Christmas on a Jew I'm sure he wouldn't run home and blow off his head because he doesn't celebrate the holiday.  It's the name of the holiday and it deserves to be said.  Don't celebrate it?  Then suck my ass because I'm going to say it anyway.  I like how those "generic" messages, such as the one above, are still loaded with Christmas imagery like a Christmas tree and two reindeer humping.  And speaking of reindeer...

You may know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, as those are the name of several strippers in the area.  You may also know Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, but if you do, I'm going to hurl a brick through your empty fucking skull.  Why?  Because there is no "Donner."  Unless maybe you're talking about Richard Donner, the director.  No, no, there's only a Donder.  Read it again, shitface.  Donder.  There's a "d" in his name.  I actually read a few years ago how it has been changed to "Donner" over the years because that's German for "thunder" (and also "kill the Jews" as every word in German also carries that meaning), and that must be what the original author of "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," one Adolf Van Buttletree, surely must have meant.  No, dickbag, it's not.  He meant Donder.  He referred to him as such in the foreword.  You can even see it in his own handwriting as "Donder."  The point is, assmunch, he's the one who invented the fucking thing, I think whatever he called it, even if it had been "Jimmy" (also German for "kill the Jews"), that's what his name is.  No, in fact the name has changed over the years because, like so many other things, people are really, really stupid and should be forced to take an intelligence test each year to determine whether or not they should be allowed to keep on living.  And hey, on the subject of stupid people...

What the fuck is the answer behind the mystery of Christmas traffic?  During the month of December, do we import seven million people and then send them back in January?  I mean, where the shit do all these bastard ass retards come from?  Seriously now, I, like anyone else with a brain in their head, do 95% of my Christmas shopping online.  The remaining few things I need to actually get in person I get when I have to go to the store anyway.  But this is evidently too difficult a concept for everyone else, who apparently goes shopping 24 hours a day starting the day after Thanksgiving.  I guess the part I don't get is this:  these are the same people who are here year round, why are the all out constantly at Christmas?  What, do they go shopping every day or something?  How come no matter where you go there's not only seventy three billion cars on the road but every parking lot is so full you actually have to resort to parking on top of the bike racks (not that I've ever done that)?  Where do these shitbirds come from, and why the fuck can't they stay home?  Here's a tip, jagoff:  make a fucking list, do all your shopping in one day, then stay the fuck home and out of my way before you end up a stain.

And like I don't hate ever going out into public enough, much less when it's crowded full of people who can't successfully tie their shoes without a road map, there's got to be these jerkasses.  Listen up, Salvation Army:  any desire I've ever had to donate to you is long gone after being accosted by these gutter-lurking asspumps.  Ugh, and those bells.  I've actually taken to a fun new hobby.  I see them ringing their bell, I reach in my pocket, pull out any spare change and/or bills I may have in there, and then just hold them up to show the dickhead who apparently gets paid by the ring of that fucking bell that yes, I have money.  Then I put it back in my pocket and continue on my way.  It's funny because you can see the anger flash in their face, but they can't really say anything because that might turn off the other prospective donators.

And so, to conclude, Christmas sucks.  It's a royal pain in my ass.  These are but a few of the many, many things that annoy the living shit out of me this time of year.  Perhaps there's some that grate on your nerves as well.  Hate the fact that people claim that this is the time of year when everyone acts nicer yet it's also the time of year when violent attacks are at a maximum?  Or can't stand the fact that every year your family gets you presents which you affectionately call "The Big Bucket O' Shit?"  Then write to me and let's share in our pain.  If you're lucky, I'll even send you a Christmas present.  It's me singing "Jingle Bell Rock."

- Danimal