This Christmas, it's important to give thanks for the things that really matter... CHEESY HOLIDAY TV SPECIALS!

Just like every other year, the brilliant minds at the networks have conceived very special programming to mark the birth of a very special boy... Santa Claus!  There's also some talk of a "Jesus" fellow whom the holiday is supposed to be about, but why let that rain on our commercial parade!  Here's a gander at the major networks' specials, as well as some you might find if you're lucky enough to have cable!

Broadcast networks:

NBC: Friends will be ending its run in the spring, after nine glorious seasons of vaguely well-off white people going around New York with nary a hint of racial diversity.  So, just in time for the holidays, catch a very special episode... set in Harlem!  Ross and Rachel decide to catch a Christmas concert at the Apollo, and are subsequently berated by special guest star Chris Rock when they mistake him for the parking valet!  Meanwhile, Chandler watches on in horror as Monica is assaulted by stereotypical "hoods" played by the members of Boyz II Men!  Joey and Phoebe arrive just in time to help celebrate Christmas in Chris Tucker's dive bar, then they're robbed at gunpoint by Laurence Fishbourne!  The Christmas spirit was never quite as white-centric as "Friends in Harlem!"

CBS: Andy Rooney has a reputation as a mean old codger, with endless spiels about aspirin-bottle cotton, computers, and young people.  But for just one night, he'll realize just how much difference he's made in the world with the spirited remake of "It's A Wonderful Life!"  Andy plays himself, of course, enjoying a lonely bottle of wine in the CBS cafeteria when Roma Downey and Della Reese pop by to show Andy what the world would have been like if he hadn't been there to bitch about every last detail!  Apart from a graphic love scene with Mike Wallace, this is genuine CBS family entertainment at its best!

ABC: The death of John Ritter brought a nation to tears last September, as we all paused to think what a sad waste of his talents 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter really was... so just in time for the holidays, it's "The Best of John Ritter on '8 Simple Rules!'"  Leave to ABC and Disney to combine their efforts for this over-the-top and less-than-kosher rehashing of clips from Mr. Ritter's least well-received series!  See John's heart begin its fateful tear within the first few hours of the show's beginning!  And stay tuned for the new episode of 8 Simple Rules, when ABC tries to milk out more sympathy by killing off Katey Sagal, the kids, and special replacement James Garner, just in time for February sweeps!

FOX: What says "Merry Christmas" more than naked women mud-wrestling live from Atlantic City?  We'll be damned if we know, but just in time for Christmas Fox is proud to present the "Paris Hilton Sexy Christmas Bash!"  Watch as Paris, the stunningly stupid and unfed star of "Yet Another Reality Show That's Most Likely Scripted," romps about in tastefully scandalous fashion, captured on videotape by all 100 of her ex-boyfriends!  Be sure to tune into the supposed "news-oriented" Fox News for "Democrats Uncensored" which features among other things: Howard Dean and Joe Lieberman sharing a lesbian kiss on-stage, John Kerry shown without his "toupee," and our own Bill O'Reilly in a threesome with Anne Coulter and William Bennett!  Smutty and right-wing: what better way to spend the holidays?

Cable:

HBO: Its a very special "Sopranos Christmas," where Tony decides that "this Santa gomba" has gone too far, and puts out a hit.  Junior is able to persuade him otherwise, and they all receive a lap dance from Dr. Melfi at the Bada-Bing.  Intended for mature audiences only, but kids will probably watch anyway.

CINEMAX: Can't get enough of soft-core porn, where nothing's really shown?  Want it to have a Christmas theme?  You are dirty and sick!  That's just filthy, and we won't be party to it.... (be sure to tune in to "Friday After Dark," though, if you really do want to see some soft-core Christmas-themed porn).

CSPAN: Democrats and Republicans can agree on one thing: Christmas is the best time of the year to spend with the ones you love (your mistresses)!  See special events devoted to honoring the women (and men) that help senators and representatives wish they could stay in Washington all the time!  And be sure to catch our special "What the Office Camera Saw," with plenty of potential presidential candidates caught in compromising positions with their said mistresses!

VH1: Yet another special celebrating MTV (more "slapping itself on the back" for Viacom)

TLC: and finally, TLC knows how much people love their "fixer-upper" shows featuring perky, mildly annoying never-were's from Broadway as hosts and ambiguous designers invading someone's home for shits and giggles.  But there's a dark side to all this... which has just been documented in the "Trading Spaces: Meltdowns, Breakdowns, and Barroom Brawls" Christmas special!  See the perky host go through a bottle of vodka and physically assault the fruity designer because "I'm sooooo frustrated with my straight-acting 'husband!'"  Marvel at the wife who really didn't want lavender wallpaper... and won't be satisfied until her bloodlust is sated!  Cringe at the results when one carpenter decides to nail his respective colleague's head to the buzzsaw table... and activates the buzzsaw!  You'll thank Jesus, Allah, and everybody in between that these freaks haven't invaded YOUR house... yet!

- Trevor