Since most you of queers out there are usually too busy playing your stupid Game-Box Super Smash Joy games or watching some stupid cartoons about jumping beans that turn into wild boars or whatever the hell you kids do nowadays, you're probably not to high on current events.  As the leading writer around this dump (with an article total somewhere in the neighborhood of roughly 632) as well as the only military man in the outfit (since that pansy-ass Dave would not only never make it through boot camp, but would probably get lost just trying to get there), I decided it was time to fill you birdbrains in on something that's happened in the world today.  The world is that big, scary place outside with the big bright ball called the sun, since you probably don't know what with being inside playing on your computers and all.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him."  That's a quote that has been appearing on just about every news show you could possibly watch lately, but you wouldn't know it because you're too busy watching "Happy Japanese Flower Death" on the Cartoon Queer Channel.  It's referring to that wacky prick from over there in that middle east area Sadam Hoosayin.  The quote always cuts right there at that point because that's when that dope smoking suit wearing jerk says "we got that dirty raghead fudgepacker."

Hoosayin was some lowlife bum who ran Rakabakastan or one of those loser countries over there.  A bunch of dirty commies is all they are, but they hide it behind some term called "Mislam."  They say it's a religion, but I know commies punks when I see them, I've spent enough time blowing them away with my bigass machine gun.  I remember one time I was over in Korea and some commie shit was waving around some white flag.  That was stupid!  It just helped me see him that much better.  I shot three clips of bullets into him before he even hit the ground.  Got three medals for that one.

But back to this Hoosayin guy.  Now that we've got him, what the hell is that good-for-nothing egghead government going to do about it?  Smoke some more dope and throw more of my money at stupid programs like teaching kids or feeding some old bastards, probably.  If the military hadn't gotten so full of queers and broads lately we would have gone straight the hell in and killed everything that moved.  Then bombed it seven times with those bigass missiles that shoot out neutrons or protons or whatever the hell that shit is, I don't know.  That's for the glasses-wearing scientists to figure out.  But now we got him and we'll probably end up taking him on a world tour, playing lead guitar for one of those long-haired hippie groups who smoke dope and feel up little kids and whatnot.

In any event, the U.S. has shown once again that we've got the strongest military in the world, even though it's a far cry from when I was in there and we'd routinely get showered with Napalm just to toughen us up and some times at night they'd release a small pack of starving dogs in to eat whichever sorry ass soldier couldn't make it out of the barracks on time.  No, hang on, I used to do that.  Whatever, it doesn't matter now.  What we should do now is get the hell into our big old jets and ships and tanks and start hunting down some of the other commie pinkos in the world.  That's where I come in.  Here's the people those soft and cushioned military men need to set their sights on next...

Yomama Ben Franklin
Hey, any of you guys remember when this guy was our enemy?  Probably not, since you were all too stoned out on dope and watching some old movie about a bunch of high school students who got a flat tire so a nice, retired military man stopped and helped them out by beating them into a coma with a hubcap.  It's good that the highway was so dark or someone might have seen me.  This asshole used to be our enemy before we started focusing on that Sadam prick.  Really though, you could substitute in any of those ragheads over there, they all need a good "bullet sandwich" right about now, kind of like I need my daily raw meat and fried egg sandwich.  Where the hell is that Dave jerk anyway?

Rambi
I've heard nine kinds of shit about this pussy.  Apparently the dope smoking hippie kids in this country think he was some great soldier over there in Viet Nam.  Let me tell you something, I was in Nam and there wasn't any prick named Rambi over there.  There was one guy named "Mambo" who was kind of skinny, though.  We used to bury him the ground and use his body as a pole and play tether ball.  He screamed like a bastard the first time we hammered that spike (to hold the rope) into his head.  He never made another peep after that though.  Just like a soldier--tough out the pain.  This Rambi guy needs to quit stealing my glory though.  Some good men died over there and this guy should have been one of them.

Admiral Lagrassi
I can't believe I'm about to defend the Navy, the queerest bunch of assholes in the armed forces, but there's no way this guy is an admiral.  He may have the queer ass outfit, and he does cook a lot, something only queers do, but he's much too fat around the middle to be an admiral.  All them admirals get AIDS by the time they reach that rank, so they're real thin and covered in splotches.  But this jerk is on TV, cooking up a bunch of pretty good looking shit and then yelling "WHAM!" or "SLAM!" or some damn thing which really just annoys the piss out of me.  Plus he's impersonating an officer.  I think that's at least some kind of crime, but then again it's only the Navy so maybe no one cares.  I remember one time I was on leave when a couple of sailors came into my bar.  They must have thought it was a queer bar.  I grabbed two bottles of whiskey and though I won't go into details, neither of them walked again.

Jane Ford
Hey, check out that picture!  That must be that Jane Ford showing off how she got both of her roles in the movies.  This commie pinko bitch used to go around back in the '70s talking about pansy ass shit like "peace" and shit.  She'd also bad mouth the government and the military.  Hey, nowadays that's no big deal since they're all a bunch of dope smoking queers and eggheads, but back then we were still the best there'd ever been!  Hell, back in Nam there was some little jerk named Henry or Herman or some damn thing in my outfit and he said something like "won't it be nice to bring peace here?"  Peace, Hank?  Ain't no one here fighting for peace, we're just here to kill a bunch of chattering zipperheads!  Well, when I heard that I ripped out his lungs and choked him with them.  Now if you said something like that, they'd probably give you a medal and then everyone would start kissing and fondling each other.  Shows you how times have changed!  Luckily, since this bitch knows I'm coming after her, she's gone into hiding.  She's doing a great job of it too, because no one's seen or heard anything out of her for about 25 years now.  I don't know though, looking at that picture's kind of running my flag up the pole (if you follow me), maybe I'd just like to catch her for other reasons.  Kind of like when I caught that gook hooker overseas.  She sure slowed down when I buried my bowie knife into here!  Sometimes, when I piss and it burns like a bastard, I think of good old whatsername.

Ying Chang Fung Pung Ling Lang
I think that was this guy's name.  I don't remember, he was just some chinaman who sold me some egg rolls once.  I asked him "these ain't those shitty ass shrimp ones, right?"  And he said "Me rikey vely much!"  So I said "But they're pork, right?"  And he said something that sounded like a wind chime, lots of "chings" and "mings."  I don't know, but I took his word for it, and the damned things had shrimp!  I got out "Old Red" (my hunting knife), but he was gone by then.  I've been looking for this commie prick ever since.  Look at the beard on that guy.  I thought those yellow bastards couldn't grow beards because they're part lizard or some damn thing.  The Italians now, they can grow a beard.  I had some little shit in my outfit named Tony something or other.  I can't remember the last name now, but you can bet it ended in a vowel.  Anyway, the little greaseball grew himself a bigass beard because those Italians have to shave every thirteen seconds.  He found out that it's not such a good idea when he was trying to fix one of our jets and got his hair stuck in the fan of the engine.  I tried to help him by turning it on, but I guess that wasn't the right call.  Oops.  Ah well, we all ate some nice Lasagna that night--it had some fresh ground beef in it and everything.

- Words