If you haven't heard the name Eugene Swaney by now, chances are that in the next few months, you will be sadly alone.  Mr. Swaney, or Gene to anyone who's ever met the man, is servicing the cultural heritage of the United States in a unique and often times meaningful way; he's cataloguing bathroom wall-writing across America.  For the past two and a half years, Gene has crisscrossed the country documenting the social history of bathroom wall-repartee.  At first, most scholars gawked at his work and his unique findings, but at least three adjunct professors in Minnesota and Illinois are now convinced that his work is an imperative venture in the social sciences.  I took one Sunday afternoon to talk with the South Carolina native in order to get a feel for this one man's quest for knowledge.

BJ Morgan: Gene, let's get right to the issue.  How did you come up with the idea for this inimitable venture?

Eugene Swaney: I knew you was going to ask this first and I swore I'd be prepared for it, but...

BJM: Take your time.

Gene: It's not that, it just seems so long ago.  I guess I started down my road when I was let out of juvie hall in 1994.  In the years that followed I led a fairly pointless life.  For a while, I was working as a specialist in customer services for the McDonalds Corporation.

BJM: As a second shift Assistant Manager, correct?

Gene: That's right.  That didn't work out exactly, so I took some time off and went to York Technical college for a while trying to pursue my associates degree in Automobile Repair and Maintenance.  It was while I was pursuing this goal that my girlfriend Peggy dumped me in order to focus on her Freshman year in high school.  It was February evening, and I was upset.  So, I took interstate 77 up through North Carolina a bit.  I stopped at a rest stop around exit 46 for pisser.  I was standing there in that stall just reading what was a round me.  Then it hit me; this writing was important.  It wasn't a random instance.

BJM: It must have had a profound effect on you.

Gene: To this day, whenever I need a pick-me-up about why I'm doing this, I always make my way up to that rest stop and just sit there on the stool and take it all in.  It recharges my energies and synergies, technically speaking.

BJM: Gene, to this point you've released four pamphlet-style brochures, three of which are on this very subject of bathroom stall writing.  Is the time right for you to take the next step?

Gene: Of course, Brandon.  It's funny you should ask because technically speaking, I'm working very hard on my first book.  It's tentatively called "Tales from the Shitter," though that might change before press time.  It should be hitting stands in about a month.  You can find it at fine Texaco's all over the United States.

BJM: Gene, could you familiarize our readers with the field of Stall Writing.  Most are familiar with the phenomenon, but know little about the study.

Gene: Technically speaking, I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to imply there.  You aren't talking 'bout them faggots, are you?

BJM: What do you look for in Stall Writing?

Gene: Technique and subject matter.  Typically you'll find most stall writing fits into two categories; sexual references and other.  Wiener size seems to be all the rage now, in particular, Johnson drawings are coming back in style.

BJM: Really?

Gene: God yes, boy.  The blue-veined Piccolo is making a comeback in most of the southern states.  There are some real artfully drawn ones too.  Time and effort has gone into these things.  Western states seem to be big on drawing the fanny battering ram in a lower key, more abstract fashion.  It's damn weird.

BJM: What about Northern states?

Gene: Phone numbers are still a big attraction there, though I'm seeing more drawings of the Baccy Pouch lately.

BJM: Baccy Pouch?  That's jargon for what?

Gene: Fur Burgers, Morgan.  Buy a damn clue.

BJM: Fair enough.  You've put a lot of back breaking hours of work into this research.  Do you think acceptance from academia at large will be far behind?  Will people begin to appreciate your work.

Gene: Fur burgers, Morgan.  Fur burgers.  If you ain't got a damn clue as to what that means, I sure as hell ain't going to tell you now, by God.

BJM: Gene, pointed question for you; is what you are doing important?

Gene: Technically speaking, I would like to think what I'm doing is important.  Damn right.  It's like I'm capturing a moment in time at these rest stops, grocery stores, and gas stations.  Someone could come in the next summer and paint over the walls, painting over history and art.  It's my job to capture the essence of that moment, to let everyone know how sloppy Suzanne really gives head.  Or to make that connection with Phil from '89.  That's why I do this.  It's my societal burden and I accept that.

BJM: So far, your body of work has concentrated mainly on the men's restroom.  When can your followers expect to see a study of stall writings from the women's restroom?

Gene: That's what landed me in Juvenile Hall in the first damn place.  Think I want to go back to lockup?  That little girl had a lot of nerve asking me to go back there anyway.  I don't have a damn clue as to when I'll get around to it.

BJM: If you had to guess what's written on the stalls there, what would you guess is there?

Gene: I dunno, stuff about periods and tampons?  I'm almost afraid to hazard a guess.  I'll see once I get there.

BJM: One last questions; have you ever called one of the numbers you've found on the stall?

Gene: Of course.  Curiosity gets the best of all of us at some time.  It's only backfired on me the once, and even then, that little Puerto Rican guy gave pretty good head.  You're not going to print that, is you?

BJM: Definitely not, Gene.  Thank you for your time this evening.

- Brandon