Alright. I know I've done the cell phone rant before, but now
I'm seeing some disturbing new trends that just wrench my nuts every time
I'm forced to witness the moronery. I can no longer stand silent
and watch this crap going on. Besides, now that I'm married, I'm
not getting laid anymore until baby-making time comes around. Like
I'm some kind of breathing sperm bank/ATM without any needs of my own!
I have needs, baby! Nerraux needs some nookie without having to wonder
if the only reason you're giving any is because you stopped taking your
pill a week ago so you can "surprise" me in three months with a mortgage
payment and a stroller! YAY! And while we're at it, I need
-- what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, cell phones. First, the walkie-talkie thing. It
was a neat idea when it came out like ten years ago, but it was a novelty
and most people let it pass by. However, a certain number of idiots
who probably still can't let go of their Laser Disks kept the service so
it just won't die. Hey, you bottom-feeding, Cro-Magnon, butt-scratcher
-- It's annoying and it just plain doesn't make sense.
It's annoying because now everyone in a thirty foot radius who didn't
want to hear you shout your half of the asinine drivel, now has to listen
to your trucker buddy's half with all the sound quality of AM radio in
a tunnel with the added bonus of a beep that drills a little further into
their heads with every repetition. Besides that, you're paying extra
for a function that only you, Mr. Spock and three other people can
use, when if you sunk that cash into a regular cell plan, you could make
actual phone calls with more reliability, better quality, and most importantly,
without PISSING ME OFF. Buck up, toss the antique technology, and
save me a couple bucks on the fine I'm going to get when I cram that plastic
brick up your ass.
Next issue, the
hands free device (revisited). If I may, I'm going to take a bit
of inspiration from our friends at stickdeath.com with exhibit A.
I know I mentioned before how annoying it is to see people use these
things on the street, and this is still bad. However, the only thing
worse than watching some idiot shout into the air so he can be sure he's
loud enough for his ear bud to pick him up, is watching some idiot hold
one of these things to his face while carrying the phone. Now, I'm
no mathematician, but if my problem is that I can't spare one hand to hold
my phone to my ear, so I buy a hands free (as in "zero hands") device,
but then I end up using two hands for a phone call, I think I lost a hand
somewhere. No device designed to make life easier should deprive
you of your beer holding hand because THAT'S NOT EASIER.
Worse yet, at
least once per day (and mind you, I don't get out much) I see some mental
midget doing this maneuver while driving. Now, I realize that if
the world was relieved of all the people willing to lick the frozen metal
pole during a winter's recess, bullies everywhere would be deprived of
a whole gaggle of victims for their comic genius. But if your problem
is that you drive like an amputee when you're on the phone, this ain't
helping and you need to be removed from the realm of the living.
Annoyance #3: I turn to Exhibits B and C. I don't know that it's
exclusive to any one ethnic group or anything, but let's just say I've
been noticing it more among the "gangsta" types.
I see them coming
down the walk with phones to their ears like normal people listen.
Then, when it comes time to talk, they shift the phones to the front and
talk. Now, I use my cell pretty regularly, and I know it's awkward to think
that something that close to your cheek is really picking up what you say
in front. But you know what smiley? I don't know everything about
how a blender works, but I can whips me up a wicked margarita without a
problem because I know how to use it. I'm not really close with my
vacuum cleaner, but I can sweep the rugs without risking the life of the
cat because I know how to use it. You know that those microphones
are designed to pick up your voice even when they're beside your cheek,
so EASE UP ON THE CAPTAIN KIRK impersonation and use the damned thing the
way it was meant to be used! A) You look stupid. B) If the
other person tries to talk while you have the speaker away from your ear,
you'll never hear it, and that's rude. C) It annoys me, and I live perpetually
on a very short fuse. Do you really want to be the one who ignites
it?
For my final complaint of the evening, a bit of an expansion on the
previous rant. I mentioned last time how it amazes me how much time
some people spend on their phones. Lately, I've noticed that a lot
of the people I see spending hours per day on their cell phones seem to
be pretty ugly people. Now, I've never been a pretty person, so I
feel pretty qualified to pick out an ugly person when I see one.
And to look at some of these people that are on their phones all day, you
know they don't have too many friends, especially not friends that are
going to want to spend hours of their lives discussing inane crap with
one of these mutants. I mean, a heroin addict 36 hours from his last
fix wouldn't talk to one of these smelly, fat, snaggle-toothed genetic
misfits if they were offering a buy-one-get-one-free sale.
I don't have the answer, and now I've bitched enough that I'm pretty
spent. I guess I'll just sit back and hope Darwin will be right about
these losers. But maybe, just maybe, a little rest and a pint of
Jack will put me back in the right frame of mind to help Darwin along a
bit. Here's hoping.
- Nerraux
