Excitement is in the air here at Nothing-Sacred headquarters (often described as "The Giggle Creation Station" although it would be more appropriately described as "The Ladies Room of the Local Fill 'n' Blo Gas Station").  "Why, did you find a new porn site?" you ask.  Yes, but this is even better than that.  "Even better than porn?" you ask again because you're pushy and rude.  Well, not really, but it's still pretty good.  You see, we've finally come up with an idea that's guaranteed to earn us bundles of cash, rather than several lawsuits like they normally do.

Reality shows have hit it big and have captivated the country, mainly because they're the only thing on now so there's nothing else to watch anyway.  Though they started out as a group of actors--err, regular people--fighting and toughing it out and living off of pig shit for a month, they've progressed into a more mature concept.  Namely, people whoring themselves off on national television.  And with each progressive show, the candidates get worse and worse.  The latest is called Ordinary Joe and deals with (I'm speculating based on the commercials here since I've obviously never actually tuned into this nonsense) a woman who has to choose from several bald, fat slobs who make us here at The Giggle Creation Station look like hulking Adonises.  The prize?  They get married.  Good-bye looking for "love," hello quick buck!   So why not up the stakes a bit more?

With that said, I'd like to offer you an exclusive sneak peak at our sure fire hit show, still in pre-production phase (NOTE:  "pre-production phase" meaning "nothing more than the insane idea of the demented author"), most likely coming to households this Fall or possibly never...

The Contestant
Ashley Wertsnooter

Our contestant will be the glamorous and sexy Ashley.  A 26-year old model (translation:  amateur porn actress) was raised in a strict Catholic environment.  She enjoys outdoor activities, such as bicycling, surfing, and mountain climbing (NOTE:  like all people who say they like outdoor activities, she really does none of those things ever).  She's looking for that special someone with charm, dignity, a sense of humor, and a sensitivity for humanity.  Also, she wants an abusive jerk who has lots of money but will treat her like garbage.  A recent college graduate, Ashley is, naturally, loaded to the gills with STDs.

Quasimodo

A Frenchman, Quasimodo (or "Big Q" to his friends) knows how to romance the ladies.  He has a steady job and is well versed in the finer things in life.  Considered by many to be the toughest competition of the pack.  Also considered to be the smelliest and most smug, as he is a Frenchman.

Hank

Hank is a real devil with the ladies as well!  A malformed but rather cute dwarf, Hank likes to devote most of his free time to the exploration of art and philosophy.  By this, of course, we mean that he gets drunk a lot and passes out in a pool of his own filth on an almost non-stop basis.  He also likes to dress up in a baby outfit for no apparent reason, allowing that lucky gal the pleasure of being both wife and mother at the same time.  While this may or may not actually win him any points, he kind of looks like Popeye too.

Lurch

As a butler, Lurch knows how to serve and strives to please.  A real "bad boy" with sex appeal for days.  He also has a tremendous musical background, with the ability to play the harpsichord and also sing with the sexiest bass voice you've ever heard.

Diana Margress

The show would, of course, not be complete without a bearded lady.  Diana has spent her whole life in the circus, entertaining crowds and performing to standing room only audiences.  She likes cats, old Humphrey Bogart films, and Norelco razors.  When not appearing at the circus, she also has a successful stand-in career for Hollywood movie actress Alicia Silverstone.

Herman "Waterhead" Smunk

Though most would give him the title of "Mongoloid on a Mission," Herman likes to refer to himself as "Vrrrrrr Shjmelf Sneeekerflurr."  A successful turn in the Special Olympics where he, like all contestants, got a gold medal that he immediately tried to eat explains his chiseled and athletic exterior.  A real hunk that will give the others a run for their money.

Freddy Kruger

A man with an almost never-ending obsession for education (as evidenced by his constant appearances at local schools), Freddy has a real way with kids.  He's been seen on occasion helping troubled youths in the local sanitarium as well.  He's also quite handy around the house, as he can chop up vegetables for dinner in almost no time at all.  He truly is, to use his own words, "the man of your dreams."

Joe & Moe Bettle

Like two peas in a pod, Joe and Moe go everywhere together.  Joe is the more conservative, political brother while Moe is the "devil may care" wild brother.  Conjoined, they make two parts of the perfect man!  They've lived their whole lives and done everything together, you could say that they're "attached at the hip," though it's really more like the eye.

Mickey Rourke

When not starring in box-office topping movies or knocking 'em dead in the boxing ring, Mickey Rourke is pretty much doing what he does every day, as he has never done either of the above.  However, he does have a real touch for style and personal flair, and has been rumored to spend entire weeks at a time not bathing or brushing his teeth just to give himself that unique look that is truly his own.  An entrepreneur as well, Mr. Rourke has recently devised a way to tap crude oil directly out of his hair.

Gordon Schumway

Gordon's the class clown with the fun loving free spirit that women find so irresistible, as long as that class clown has lots and lots of money and/or a fast car.  Gordon has neither of those things, but he does have a razor sharp wit and a beautiful head of hair and full beard that extends across his entire body.  A tough competitor indeed!

- Danimal