If you've spent any time here recently--and PizzleWig only knows why in the hell you'd do that--you surely must have seen my almost too detailed previous reviews of the hot TV show ProStars.  Well sadly, as the DVD only contained three episodes, this will be the last installment in this series of articles that no one read in the first place.  However, I did manage to save the best for last.  In fact, this episode starts with the question that we've all been asking:

But in case you didn't see the other reviews, and that question makes even less sense to you than the other incoherent nonsense I normally write, let's give a quick recap of the magic that is ProStars.

String Bean, Cement Head, and Honky Tonk all live in a gym which doubles as the Batcave.  From there, they receive distress calls from children on an impossibly sophisticated communications system.  Then they have their mom, named "Mom," build them super high-tech devices that couldn't ever exist in the real world and battle criminals.  Got all that?  Good, then let's move on.

"Knightmare Riders" begins with our three super heroes/overpaid nobodies receiving a distress call from Scotland.  Michael Jordan think that maybe going to Scotland may be a bad idea, but the other two Pro Stars insist.  Then Michael sees who's calling...

An underage hottie!  Jordan of course can't resist that, so he packs his things and joins his fearless friends.

So excited is he, in fact, that he speeds around like a madman to get to the sweet, sweet molesting.  But when they arrive, they must solve... The Mystery of Scotland!  This mystery involves the question:  is Scotland a country?  It would seem to be, yet at the same time, technically it's not; it's a part of the United Kingdom.  Or is it Great Britain?  But maybe the U.K. is just a bunch of countries that got together.  It would be enough to rattle your brains if it weren't for the fact that really no one cares and the British are all a bunch of chain smoking people with picket fences for teeth.

Woah, wait a minute, where the hell did I just go there?  Let's get back to the story.  Jordan meets the girl and almost immediately holds her in a compromising position.  Then he dresses up like a fruitcake and plays a little golf.  No one else plays because, as we all know, golf is only for asshole faggot shitbrains.  But then...

The evil ghosts of crappy games attack!  They don't like outsiders invading their private golf course, so they draw swords and attack.  Exactly how a ghost can attack is beyond me, but we'll go with it for now.

Whoop, someone screwed up, as this guy is clearly not a ghost.  It's hard to believe that a show with as much production value as ProStars would contain animation mistakes.

In any event, our heroes chase the ghosts back to a castle which is owned by some Scottish/British/U.K.-ish girl named Bridget.  They go inside to find her and make sure she's OK.  In order to search the castle more thoroughly, they split up.

Not surprisingly, Bo and Wayne are one pair while Michael teams up with the girl.  While Michael puts the moves on her...

Bo and Wayne go for a romantic twilight paddle around the moat.  After all of the disturbing love scenes have finally ended, the team joins back up again and locates Bridget... or do they?

It's actually some evil woman who went to "Phil McCracken's Big House of Masks That Look Exactly Like Real People!"  She's there to plunder the castle and steal all its mighty secrets.  No wait, that was Skeletor.  She's there to get some gold or the recipe to K.C. Masterpiece or something along those lines.

The evil woman unleashes her ghost knights who are actually just guys since there's no such thing as ghosts.  Jordan fights them off with some sort of light saber pen (NOTE:  insert your own "Pen is Mightier/Penis Mightier" joke at this point).

And then Wayne winds up his most effeminate shot and fires off some sort of weird puck/bolo ball and captures the evil ghost impersonators.

Hooray!  The Pro Stars win again!  Chalk another "win" up to... but wait!

The evil woman pulls out the big guns:  a huge, mechanical, fire breathing dragon that's sure to cook the good guys for sure.

But some quick thinking and fancy swinging by one Bo Jackson sends the dragon plunging through the castle wall and out into the moat, which would most certainly destroy the dragon since it runs on electricity.

Hooray!  The Pro Stars win again!  Chalk another "win" up to... but wait!

The dragon is not destroyed!  Luckily the evil woman decided to waterproof it and the chase is on (since the Pro Stars show their never ending courage by turning tail and running)!

Bo Jackson suddenly pulls some bagpipes out of nowhere and starts playing.  Since it is well known the world over that the bagpipes are virtually the worst sound in the universe (second only to Bob Dylan's singing), the dragon instantly shorts out and explodes into smithereens.

Hooray!  The Pro Stars win again!  Chalk another "win" up to... but wait!

Real ghosts show up to help the Pro Stars find the real Bridget (since they were going to just say "shit on it" and forget about her).  At no point does anyone seem remotely frightened or intrigued at three actual, speaking ghosts floating around.

After freeing Bridget, the team of superstars go outside and for no apparent reason discover a big gold throne that certainly someone would have noticed before but evidently didn't.  This means Bridget and the little girl are now rich beyond measure, which is good because they can use the money to finance their lawsuit against Michael Jordan.

Hooray!  The Pro Stars win again!  Chalk another "win" up to... oh, I guess this really is the end of the episode.  OK, well what did we learn this time?  The most valuable lesson of all:  stay the hell out of Scotland.  It's nothing but a bunch of drunken loonies over there!  Naturally the episode also has some stupid kid asking some stupid question.

- Danimal