After my first article delving into the wondrous show that is Pro Stars, there has been quite a clamor.  This is, of course, provided that you define "clamor" as "not a single comment, positive or negative."  Actually, it seemed quite popular with online pharmacies, who are sending me dozens of invitations a day to try a new Viagra substitute.  I'm pleased to report that not only does it work, but that it works so well I'm actually typing this article with my unit, so forgive the occasional spelling error (as opposed to the abundance of usual spelling errors which are the result of my being a bumbling clod).

"Gargantus and the Highway of Doom" is easily the biggest fan favorite of this show.  This episode alone has cause conventions and reunions nationwide.  But before we delve to far into this spectacular masterpiece, a quick refresher of the main story...

Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, and the white guy are all living together in a gym which conveniently doubles as the world's most sophisticated crime lab.  From there they fight crime while teaching youngsters various important lessons, such as how to cheat at basketball.

Mom and Denise are there too, playing the critical role of inventing technologically brilliant devices with no money or materials.  This gives our three Pro Stars an even further advantage over their already great crime fighting abilities which stem from athletics.

The episode beings like many others--with Michael Jordan settling in to watch his favorite porno, Crocodile in my Pants Dundee, starring Sheila Shagg as a young school girl lost in the outback.  The things she must do to get back home!  Jordan decides to head to Australia to meet one of his favorite stars.

At first, the trip goes well.  It's a small, quaint town and Michael gets to fondle a prepubescent.  But then...

A horrible gang of hoodlums start terrorizing everything in sight by driving around and screaming "Gargantus rules" for no apparent reason.  They get into all kinds of wacky hijinks that I'll be happy to tell you all about.  But first, llllet's meet our gang!

Gargantus
The maniacal leader whose entire arsenal of evil seems to consist of screaming "I'm the leader" at every turn.  Really though, he just likes to sit back and watch a Yahoo Serious movie for a good laugh.

Froggy
Gargantus's right hand man, Froggy mostly just cackles and talks very similarly to Tarantulas from Beast Wars.  Word also has that he went a-courtin' and he did ride, crambone.

Mr. Wiggles
A tough thug with an apparent affinity for Larry Fine, Mr. Wiggles mostly just stands around looking mad and has only one line, which is "YAAAAAAAAR!"  He yells it once.

Chief Featherpants
This strong and silent Indian appears in just one shot but has such a strong presence that it makes you almost forget that it was clearly just an animation mistake.

Moptop
Moptop is the dastardly henchman with the really bad comb-over.  Or would that be a comb-forward?  No matter, his sneering is top notch.

Captain Buttpirate
The driver of the gang, Captain Buttpirate cruises around in some sort of futuristic skull car with a menacing look on his face.  He also wears an eyepatch, but we have it on good authority that it's just a gimmick to pick up chicks.

Jiggles
The hottie of the bunch.  I personally felt the twenty minute gang rape sequence was a bit on the violent side, but did help to add some depth to her character.

 

Gargantus moves in and has the idea of building a giant castle for himself on top of a mountain and using the rock from the mountain to make it.  Interestingly, though the mountain is beige, the castle is somehow purple.  To make matters worse, Sheila's little brother Keith develops a crush on Gargantus and helps him to take over the small town.

And as if that's not bad enough, Gargantus takes over the town and uses the people there as cheap slave labor to build his castle!  Look at how mean he is, he somehow turned that guy in the picture's head completely around on his body!  Why does he want to build this castle again?  Oh that's right, because he's in a gang and gangs are evil.

They're also pretty stupid, as they--for reasons no one could ever know--clearly mark the path up to the castle, despite the fact that Gargantus makes it known that he wants no visitors.  But this is fortunate for our Pro Stars super sleuths, as it sets them off on the trail...

...where they get immediately captured!  Good job Pro Stars!  Luckily they manage to break out of prison using several secret devices that none of them had been holding at any point in the entire episode until they needed it.  Speaking of which...

One of the hilarious running gags in the episode is Bo Jackson's inability to figure out what one of Mom's inventions does.  It starts out as a silver pipe (don't ask where he kept it hidden), then turns into a torch-looking thing, then finally into a thermos bottle (which is, in fact what it was).  In fact, now that I think about it, I have no idea why I bothered to include this little aside.

Back to our gripping story, the Pro Stars break our of prison and bravely decide to run the hell away by means of a giant, inflatable planet Saturn.  They bounce down the mountain and into a giant truck which somehow they never noticed before.  But the Gargantans are having none of that, they give chase!

Gargantus, showing that he is not only master of the mountain but also of time and space, somehow manages to get in front of the truck and speeds directly at it.  What possible motivation he could have here eludes me, other than to remember that he's crazy and evil and in a gang.  The Pro Stars say "shit on it" and slam into him at 300 miles per hour.  Athletic ability and murderous tendencies?  Hello, O.J. Simpson!

In the end, the Pro Stars have saved the day once again.  They stopped the gang, violently killed their leader, and mercilessly fondled an underage girl.  Truly the perfect day.

As always, this episode teaches a valuable lesson:  steer clear of child porn actors.  It also teaches that no one should ever join a gang because they're all horrible people who take over towns and turn people into slaves and also because in real life they're all a bunch of scrawny, pathetic cowards.  However, they do have pretty cool cars.  The episode also ends with a real kid asking a real question to the Pro Stars team (still minus one).

- Danimal