To the Jackass who Caught the Ball at Wrigley Field...
Dear Jackass,
I hope you're happy with yourself, jackass. I hope that souvenir was
worth it, jackass. Because you know what: YOU COST THE CUBS A TRIP
TO THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!
Oh sure, most media types by now have seen the error of their ways in
their heated denouncements of you when first you stuck out your hand that
fateful eighth inning of Game 6, amongst all the other assholes who didn't
think to themselves "gee, maybe Alou might try and catch it. I'd
better get back." But yours is the hand that caught it, or more accurately
bobbled the catch (from what I hear, the ball went out into the stands,
so you didn't even get your precious "souvenir"). But yours was the
hand that tipped the game in favor of the stinkin' Marlins, a team that
has won a World Series in the past 95 years. Congratulations asshole,
I hope it was worth it.
I'm not even a huge Cubs fan, by any stretch of the imagination, but
I was beginning to think, as much of the country surely was, that a fabled
Red Sox-Cubs meet-and-greet would be possible, that one of these "lovable
losers" would finally redeem themselves at the altar of baseball, erasing
forever the notion that they couldn't get it done in the post season.
I wasn't a bandwagon-jumper per se (I never was tempted to
purchase any Cubs paraphernalia and claim Wrigley as my "spiritual home"),
but I was more than willing to root for a Cubs Series win, especially against
Steinbrenner's Yanks. But somebody had to go and ruin that, didn't they?
One little selfish prick stood between the Cubs and baseball history.
I guess in the months to come, you'll find yourself very unwelcome in
Chicago. Jeb Bush, the President's pot-smoking, hell-raising brother,
has offered you asylum in Florida. My advice is to get the fuck out
of the country, you bespectacled little prick of a man, you "billy-goat
curse" for the new millennium. I understand North Korea, Iran, and
Syria still take in the odd terrorist, so that might be an option.
Bin Laden's getting awfully lonely in his cave up in Afghanistan, so maybe
you could keep him company. Souvenir hounds with no regard for the
outcome of the game for their home teams deserve no better than a fate
similar to Alex DeLarge's in A Clockwork Orange: tied
to a chair, forced to watch your own clumsy attempt to screw the Cubs once
again on an endless reel of film, perhaps set to the tunes of Styx or Chicago.
So to you, Mr. Over-Eager Cubs Fan, I just want to let you know if I
were a devoted, diehard fan, I'd have written far worse about you.
Still, years from now, whenever you walk by Wrigley Field on your way to
observe your penance for costing the Cubs a trip to the Series, someone
surely will come up to you with a look for forgiveness and say....
"Thanks again, asshole!"
- Trevor
