It's unlikely that you will ever find a fortune cookie containing the
following message inside: "You will suffer a painful death at the hands
of your pet boa constrictor."
No, instead, the fortunes available to most people consist of the vaguest
descriptions of "potentials for romance" or "good luck" or "wise man gets
wiser with age." There is never any mention of a terrible fate awaiting
the poor soul who dared to test the ancient laws of destiny by breaking
open a slightly stale cookie-like concoction and remembering not to eat
the little slip of paper inside.
It's almost enough to drive you mad... I mean, if I wanted vague BS
about how my life would improve, I'd consult my horoscope.
Basically, fortune cookies are astrologers you can eat. Instead
of consuming Miss Cleo after she predicts wealth and happiness are around
the corner (which, by the way, is almost never the case), you do get the
satisfaction of consuming the cookie that was kind enough to provide you
with some decent lottery numbers (which, alas, are often as accurate as
the said predictions on such paper). Some cookies offer the chance
to "learn Chinese" at a phrase at a time. If one were to endeavor
to learn Chinese solely via fortune cookie, they'd probably die of food
poisoning before being able to construct the sentence "I will pay handsomely
for your water buffalo, but the rice is bourgeois propaganda."
I propose a revolution in the Chinese-fortune-cookie-message department,
something so drastic as to cure all of us incurable saps of our desire
to eat such things. From now on, fortune cookies should come with
one of the following messages, each much more threatening than the previous
"the one you love is closer than you thank!" crap that we've come to expect.
They are no more accurate than the previous batch of innocuous babble,
but chances are people will take them more seriously...
"You never hear the one with your name on it (hint, hint)"
"Brake fluid is leaking from your car as we speak."
"The waiters here were once part of Pol Pot's death squads."
"You will be assaulted by a ninja in the bathroom."
"You should just go home and hang yourself now, you worthless Westerner."
"The sesame chicken is particularly fatal this evening."
"You will not last a week in the 're-education camp.'"
"Your tip will not satisfy the chef's blood lust tonight, poor fool."
and finally... "You will die at 12:45 AM this evening. The soy sauce
was slow-acting poison."
Now that's what I call a fortune cookie!
- Trevor
