Women, who needs them?  Well, I guess we all do, since without them we'd have nothing but all male porn, and that's just not the same without a woman's multitude of jiggling thingies.  And of course, I guess without women there'd be nobody at all, since they're the ones who suffer through the agony of childbirth, leaving the man to struggle through the strenuous task of picking out cigars.  And let's not forget that without women there'd be no one to do any cooking, cleaning, or the ever important getting me a damn beer.

OK, so I guess women do serve their purpose, but why the hell do they have to be so annoying all the PizzleWigdamn time?  Like it's not enough that we (and by "we" I mean men since there's only about three women who read this site, which I guess is a pretty favorable percentage since only four people total read this site) are good enough to give them a floor to sweep, they have to continually play these ridiculous games with us.  I think they're under the impression that their little head games are "cute" but they really just make us want to commit gross homicide.  For instance, the term "head games" itself is a cruel term meaning that they're fooling with our minds and not going to pull a Linda Lovelace on us later.  But there's more.  Oh yes, there's more...

This is one which develops after a few months with some bitch.  Of course, at first, no woman alive wants you to do something as despicable as ask them what they'd like to eat or do on a date, you're just supposed to map out the entire evening and command them to obey.  Actually, I guess that part makes sense.  But after a while, every man makes the bold and usually futile choice to ask her what she'd like to eat.  Invariably, the conversation goes something like this:

STUPID MAN:  Where would you like to go for dinner?
PISSY BITCH:  I don't care, you decide.
STUPID MAN:  OK, how about Italian then?
PISSY BITCH:  No, I don't want that.
STUPID MAN:  That Chinese place I know you like?
PISSY BITCH:  I'm not in the mood for Chinese.
STUPID MAN:  Well then, what are you in the mood for?
PISSY BITCH:  It doesn't matter to me.  Anything's fine.
STUPID MAN:  Burgers?
PISSY BITCH:  No.
STUPID MAN:  Chicken?
PISSY BITCH:  Just had it.
STUPID MAN:  Human organs?
PISSY BITCH:  Not tonight.
STUPID MAN:  Seriously, bitch, what the fuck do you want?
PISSY BITCH:  Whatever you want.
STUPID MAN:  *pulls out gun and shoots off her face*  Human organs it is!

Bitches are notorious for asking questions to which they either don't want an answer, or you can't possibly give a correct answer because it will either involve lying or saying something which will start an argument either way (and she's got them both lined up and ready).  Examples include:

Do I look fat?
Do you think she's pretty?
You don't look at dirty movies, do you?
Would it be OK if my sister (or some other person who's way hotter and will undoubtedly get you caught staring) comes along?
You don't like boob jobs, do you?
Do you ever wish you were with someone else?
That shotgun you bought wasn't to kill me, was it?

Even though I am the Ultimate Male and am constantly surrounded by a gaggle of women, usually asking me if they look fat, you may be surprised to learn that I know about as little about them as your Average, Ordinary Male.  There's a reason for this:  women are fucking crazy lunatics whose entire personality changes at the drop of a hat and even they don't know what the fuck they want or are thinking.  However, even with this obstacle, I've managed to learn and formulate Three Universal Truths about all women:

1) All women are greedy, superficial bitches who care almost entirely about looks and money.  A distant, distant third (if it even factors in at all) is the relatively unimportant personality.  The real question here is which is more important?  In other words, would a woman rather have a handsome poor guy or a rich ugly guy?  The stats put it at about 50/50, so there's no way of really knowing for sure.

II) All women play these games.  This is because deep down inside, women are heartless bitches who care only about themselves and possibly the cast of All My Children.  And of course, Brad Pitt.

3rd) Every woman, everywhere denies the first two.  Oh sure, they'll even sometimes go as far as to concede that some women are like that, but not them.

To date, our only counter for these endless games is our virtually unstoppable "What's That Rumbling Under the Covers" game (a.k.a. "The Dutch Oven o' Fun"), but while that brings temporary joy, it's usually far too short lived.  But, did I forget any important ones?  I'm sure I did, so fire off an email or two to remind me of some of the seemingly endless games that bitches play.

And women, don't think I don't care what you have to say.  I mean, I don't, since you're all maniacs, but I don't want you to think that.  The problem here is that I just don't spend the time dating other men that I used to.  Err, never did.  So I would naturally only know the games bitches play.  So by all means, speak out!  Your assignment:  send me an email and let me know what men do to make you even more crazy than you already are.  But for now, I have to go keep my reservation at Crazy Al's Wacky Fun Shack.

- Danimal