Yeah, yeah, so it's been two months instead of My usual one month update.  So sue Me, you scrawny little assfarters.  Sometimes I get so caught up in My Holy Pork Chops that I forget to write a few of My Divine Answers to your pathetic questions.  Like this one:

Can you show Some naked people fucking or something?

Pennypiss, I've been asking that fucking question since minute one and it still ain't happened.  Instead, what do I get in my email?  This shitharness:

What the fuckgoblins is this blubbermonster doing on my fucking screen?  I command that you nosehackers send me hot, naked chicks and instead I get a fucking rhinocerous.  Lucky for all of you pencilweasels I'm such a nice deity, or else I'd kill you all with a big ball of fire or lightning or something which might not even be that pleasant.  I may still do that to those tagalongs Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent, though I may make Miraculo show me her rack first.

Terry Smith of St. Mary's, OH writes:
I was born with both male and female genitalia. Now that I'm getting on in years, I've decided to finally choose one gender. I was wondering whether I should get hormone therapy and have my penis removed, or go with my current look and just have my vagina sewn shut and prosthetic testacles added. Any advice?
 
P.S. I think PizzleWig is sexy.

Righteous Ron:  What is this talk of genitalia?  Sir or madam, you should know that the only true path to a happy life is non stop prayer coupled with round-the-clock blind obedience.  Throw in the occasional beating of yourself with a Blessed Paddle and you are guaranteed to make it into the Pearly Gates and up Happiness Road to the House of Eternal Rest and Bingo.

PizzleWig:  Just when I thought that tub of flabsnot up above was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen, this prickmonger has to come along.  A face like that wouldn't look good on a man or woman.  Maybe you should have your head removed and your asshole sewn shut.  I'll even do it for you since you said I'm "sexy."  I am sexy, but no goutforger like you better even say it or you'll taste My Wrath while I taste your gin.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  The ability to change genders can be a powerful addition to any cunning warrior's arsenal.  It is a good way to help one disguise oneself after beheading several important government officials in order to preserve a silent and undetected getaway.  Eks believes you should remain as you are and take full advantage of this exciting avenue.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The tea leaves hold an important message for you:  your tea was poisoned.

Greg Duworskevicz writes:
Hi,

I'm failing my classes at college and it looks like I'll be kicked out soon because of it.  This will crush my parents, since they sunk every penny they had into sending me to school.  I'm sure that when this happens they'll throw me out of the house, but with no degree I'm not sure how to get a job to support myself.  What do you suggest?

Righteous Ron:  This "college" that all the kids talk about is nothing more than Satan's Den of Iniquity and Wholesale Prices.  You should willingly withdraw from this trap immediately and take up study to be a priest.  You appear to already be dressed for this path anyway.  It will be difficult, as you must pass Sergeant Jesus's Salvation Boot Camp, but I believe you can make it with just enough unthinking ignorance.  Good luck, my son!

PizzleWig:  You could always support yourself by becoming a carnival ride operator, as you appear to be destined to do you worthless toadsack.  For starters, get your self a razor and shave off that stupid looking bush you've got growing on your chin.  Then use the razor to slice your throat and then you won't have to worry about what to do with your life, turkeyporker.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  When faced with schooling, the best choice is a dojo where one can learn the deadly arts of self defense and attacking the unexpecting.  When your training is completed, burn down the dojo and all who are inside.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The stars are the best way to guide yourself through difficult decisions.  Perhaps this means you should be an astronaut.

Jessica Schwidt of Sackville writes:
dear nothing sacred,

im fourteen and i live in sackville and im getting a tattoo for grading day and i need to find a place that will do it for me ohhyeah i allready drew what i want .so can you please help me?  id really like to get this soon thanx

Righteous Ron:  To add ink in any design to the flesh is an insult to Our Patient Lord's Mighty and Single Minded Intelligence.  The design you get may as well be a pentagram with Dirty No-Gooder Satan on it thrusting his pitchfork into you furiously, because that is what will happen soon anyway.  Repent, young one, repent!

PizzleWig:  Sweet mother of shit, what the fuck is this thing?  Scrap this tattoo idea, the only sharp object that should be sticking into your skin is a harpoon so that some Eskimos can use your blubber to heat their igloos.  Go lay your humongous ass on a beach for a while, someone's sure to spear you, dumphumper.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Tattoos can be dangerous, as they add identifying marks to one's body.  This is never good for the silent and invisible predator, unless one's body is constantly shrouded in black, which it should be at all times.  Instead of a tattoo, The Assassin recommends looking into purchasing a nice machete.  They are much more useful and fun for all concerned with the exception of the person whom you are carving with it.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  With a birthday in September, a lifetime of riches can be expected.  However, with your birthday being in June, you will be dead within the hour from choking on a pretzel.

Christina of Kalamazoo, MI writes:
I am in a a quandary which only someone possessed of such intelligence as yourself could possible remedy. You see, I'm a good-hearted Atheist, yet a person with whom I am involved in a relationship is devoutly Catholic. He says that it's evil not to pray to his false idol, yet I think it's evil that the men of Catholic churches spend their free time groping little boys and anally raping toddlers.
 
Should I make an effort to put aside our religious differences and just cope with his Catholicism, or should I take the eight-inch knife on the kitchen counter, slit him open, and feast on his delicious, delicious innards?

Please tell me what I should do. He'll be returning in a week, and I don't know if I should greet him with a "hello" fuck or a knife in the gut.

Righteous Ron:  Oh dear, this is quite a problem indeed!  First of all, you should definitely neither kill him nor fornicate with him.  You should, however, immediately leave him because as we all know, Catholics are almost the lowest form of life on Endless Loveman God's List (with Jews being the lowest, naturally).  You can smile knowing that eventually Our Pristine Lord will rotate this man on the Skewer of Agony over the Roasting Flames of Torment to show His intolerance for all things not like Him.  Second, you must drop this "atheist" pretense and announce your love for Jesus "Studmuffin" Christ so that you may die in Heavenly Bliss knowing that you will serve as Head Maid in the Hotel Eternity.

PizzleWig:  I don't have any clue what the fuck you said, cockcorker, I was too busy checking out that picture.  Looks like you've played many-a-Kalamazoo Kazoo, if you catch my drift and I think you do, titswinger.  Here's what you do:  give me your address and I'll turn you around from not believing in an All Powerful Being.  One glance at my Staff of Justice and you'll start praying to me all night long.  During the day though, shut your fucking cakeguzzler because I need my sleep.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The time to act is now!  Begin that new business venture before the crippling train wreck next month!

OK, it's time for this shit to end.  I have to figure out where the fuck Kalamazoo even is, because I'm pretty sure it's one of those made up cities from those fagslurper books about wizards and trolldumpers.  In the mean time, send me more of your useless bullshit because I just know that you goosebangers can't resist.  And any one of you shitflockers sends me a fat whaleturd picture again and you're all dead.

- PizzleWig