Some time has passed, and now I think it's time to put a plan into effect that we discussed long ago: the Nothing-Sacred takeover of France.  They're not expecting it now, giving us the element of surprise.  Of course, there are a lot of things to consider with such a takeover: How can we convince them to let us take over?  Who will run the place?  What needs to be changed to make it better?  Well, I have a plan for all of it, so follow me to the boat, and we should be firmly in control by this time next week.

How can we convince them to let us take over?

First, we need an invasion force.  We have roughly 65 registered users on the N-S message board, but what I'm figuring is that a smaller team of highly trained individuals who can execute a precision attack on Paris would do the job even better.  If you're thinking about applying for the mission, you will need to possess all of the following skills:

1. Ninja-like stealth, speed, and skill, or at least extensive experience in playing the original NES version of Ninja Gaiden and exhaustive study of RealUltimatePower.net.
2. Excellent vision and recognition will be necessary for spotting all the white flags.  When we move in, it's going to look like Casper caught in a blizzard and we'll need people who can tell the difference between people surrendering and people doing things like blowing their noses with white handkerchiefs or wiping with toilet paper.  Genuine surrenderers will be left where they are, 'cause face it, there's going to be too many to round up and put in any one place.  Both resistors and all of the people too drunk to wave a surrender flag will have to be killed and hung from the Eiffel Tower on coat hangars.
3. Skill with a razor.  There are going to be a lot of women to shave.
4. Experience with a gas mask and ability to use a fire hose.  Those folks are known for smoking so much, they make the worst of us look like members of TRUTH.  They also have a tendency to not shower often, so we'll need to do some forced mass bathing to tame the smell.
5. A clean butt (I suspect this requirement alone will be the single biggest disqualifying point of our applicants).  It's going to be kissed by all of their former leaders, and we need to represent ourselves well.

"Ze French, surrrrrender?  Neverrr!  No wait, make zat always, ah ho ho ho!"

Next, we're going to need weaponry.  Fortunately, I have been stockpiling WSAs (Weapons of Significant Annoyance) for years, and I should have enough to arm our entire takeover fleet in my basement.  If you have any particular weapon preference, please list it on your application.  These are as follows:

• 100 water balloons.  Depending on what you choose to fill these with, they can be very dangerous weapons.
• 2 sand shovels and matching plastic buckets that I've had since our family went to the beach when I was in second grade.  They're covered in cobwebs, but make no mistake; they're just as dangerous now as they were then.
• 1 rubber & plastic knife with G.I.  Joe stamped on the side and a non-functioning compass in the handle (originally part of a Halloween costume I had when I was 8 -- sorry, but I have lost the matching spyglasses).  They will quake in fear when they see you wielding this dangerous piece...if it's dark enough they can't see it clearly...like, darker than the inside of a politicians head.
• 7 pairs of tweezers.  Why do I have seven pairs of tweezers?  I don't know, but I have had a lot of roommates over the years.  And maybe they've been leaving me subtle hints that a unibrow isn't as sexy on me as it is on Burt Reynolds.
• Two Hundred and Forty Dollars worth of Pudding.  People always ask me, "Nerraux, where'd you get two hundred and forty dollars worth of pudding?"  Shhhh...Don't you worry your pretty little head.  Anyway, it's not really a weapon as much as a party favor for after we win the war.  I figure, our group, some newly-shaven French women, and a nice fountain drained and re-filled with warm milk should be a nice way to bring in the new Administration.

Who will run the place?

Well, me.  It's my plan, after all.  Besides, I think my extensive experience running a college radio station should be enough to make me the best candidate for the job.  If it's not, I'll be happy to show you my Arrow of Light from completing Cub Scouts, and that should put all doubt to rest.

Danimal will not have to occupy an actual office, but rather, he will be sort of an Earth-bound god who will be able to roam the country, taking whatever he wants from whomever he desires and doing anything that strikes his fancy.  For this reason, all roadways will be padded on either side -- like the gutters when you go bumper bowling -- so Danimal won't have to worry about getting into any drunk driving accidents.

The only other offices that are decided are Echolock for Minister of Boobs, Drac for Director of Beer, and Tha Mike for Propaganda Minister.  All other offices can be campaigned for on the N-S message board.

What needs to be changed to make it better?

There's going to be a lot of work to do.  If our country's time in Iraq and previous experience in Japan has taught us anything; it's that it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to rebuild a country after a war.  I think all of the French people, excuse me, Nerrauxnesians, can be made to do most of the hard labor like building the real-life Twisted Metal arena and erecting the giant porn screen on the Arch de Triumph.

Meanwhile, we government officials will be setting up programs to:

• make sure everyone is speaking English within three years
• convert all measurements back to miles/pound/gallons/Fahrenheit/etc.
• get rid of all of those pretentious restaurants and replace them with Burger Kings and Krispy Kremes
• put up enough breast implant clinics that no woman will have to walk more than 10 blocks to receive a $6.75 boob job.

There's so much more to do, but I think that should give us a good start. Start sucking up to me now, because you don't want to be left behind when the boat leaves!

- Nerraux