Ah the life of the moderately-to-almost-in-no-way known internet writer.  On one hand, you get to feel the joy of creating something and watching as literally almost three people come and read it.  On the other hand, you get the never-ending drudgery of receiving hundreds of pieces of incoherent hate mail written by addle-brained thirteen year olds.

I of course refer to the ultimate, hands down, absolutely objective Top Ten Worst Bands article I did what seems like about fifty years ago, even though it was only two.  Who would have ever thought that saying that Pink Floyd sucks (something everyone knows all too well) would generate such rage in the youth of America?  Well, it has.  As mentioned about seventy trillion times before, I typically delete the email or send back a friendly email thanking the person for writing and supporting the site and then never hear from them again.  This time, things went a bit differently...

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Hello.  YOU ARE NOT THE MOST INTELLIGENT OF ALL PEOPLE ARE YOU.  You have absolutely no idea what your talking about when it comes to music, although you think you do.  If you think these are the worst bands ever to strike a chord of sing a note, then you really need to get off the chronic or whatever your on, and listen to these points of view:

1) ALL ROCK BANDS are influenced by The Beatles, the greatest band ever--most people would agree.
2)ALL HARD ROCK/METAL BANDS ARE influenced by the Great LED ZEPPELIN--who are far ahead of any other hard rock band in terms of talent--Jimmy Page is the greatest guitarist that still is alive.  JOhn  BONHAM was an awesome drummer, also.  And ROBERT PLANT AND JP. JONES were kickass too. Even your precious Iron MAiden was influenced by led zep
3)The Doors are awesome.
4) BOB DYLAN is a great song writer--he wrote over 800 of them
5) Jimi HEndrix is the greatest guitar player ever.  END OF STORY.
6)Pink Floyd's albums THE WALL and DARK SIDE OF THE MOON and WISH YOU WERE HERE are MASTERPIECES.
7)Honorable Mention nirvana-a great grunge band.

ALTHOUGH I DO AGREE WITH YOU ON KISS THEY ARE NOT TALENTED AND MADE MILLIONS OF $$ DESPITE THIS FACT.

Email me back---i'm curious to what your favorite bands are??!!

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Well, you sure did provide a great counterpoint to the article there.  Jimi HEndrix is the greatest guitar player ever.  END OF STORY.  Wow, that's a great argument.  I should probably stop now since I'm clearly up against the captain of the debate team.

I'm influenced by The Beatles too.  I figure since everything they did was pure crap, if I write songs that are absolutely nothing like theirs, they will be good.

Your question about my favorite bands is anything but unique, so here's an article I did on that very subject:

http://www.nothing-sacred.net/articles/096

Enjoy, and thanks for putting me in my place.  Is my face red now or what?!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

ok well then ABOUT JIMI HENDRIX---he was a master at coaxing all manner of unforeseen sonics from his instrument, often with innovative amplification experiments that produced astral-quality feedback and roaring distortion. His frequent hurricane blasts of noise and dazzling showmanship ^× he could and would play behind his back and with his teeth and set his guitar on fire ^× has sometimes obscured his considerable gifts as a songwriter, singer, and master of a gamut of blues, R&B, and rock styles.

I BET YOU DONT EVEN PLAY GUITAR, AND YOUHAVE THE WORST TASTE IN MUSIC I'VE EVER SEEN.  BUT EACH IS ENTITLED TO HIS OWN OPINION--I DIDN'T SEE YOUR COMEBACK TO MY POINT ABOUT LED ZEPPELIN---YA I KNOW YOU KNOW THEY KICK ASS.

REPLY TO THESE POINTS.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

It's a shame he didn't set his guitar on fire and burn into such a crisp that he could never play it again.  That would definitely get a standing ovation from me.

I don't even remember what your "points" about Led Zeppelin were, that's how much of an impact they had on me.  I'm sure it was something along the lines of "they were great, they rule, you're an idiot, I love them, you're stupid."  Led Zeppelin combined the amazing and rare ability to not only never write a song that didn't suck, but musicians which were so moderately talented that grade school children would actually laugh if asked to learn their material.  However, yes they still ruled and were very influential and they were great and they had all kinds of big hit songs that no one remembers and I'd be lucky to be as good as they are and they don't suck because they are great and you like them.

Does that about sum it up, oh master of the debate?

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

NO IT DOES NO SUM IT UP YOU POTHEAD.  YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA ABOUT MUSIC HISTORY.  IT'S NOT EVEN FUN TO ARGUE WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SUCH A FLAMING DUMBASS.  I THINK YOU DID THIS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF, BECAUSE YOU DISLIKE MANY OF PEOPLE'S FAVORITE BANDS, SUCH AS LED ZEPPELIN, THE BEATLES, AND PINK FLOYD.  I BET YOU ARE NOT TALENTED AT ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR SITTING ON YOUR FAT ASS EATING OREOS AND LISTENING TO THE BEE GEES.  YOU PROBABLY WANTED THE ATTENTION OF MANY PEOPLE WHO WOULD CRY OUT IN ANGER DUE TO YOUR POOR MUSICAL TASTE.  AND BECAUSE YOU ARE AN OPRESSED SOCIAL REJECT WHO CAN'T SEEM TO POSSESS QUALITIES SOMEWHAT INTERESTING TO ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING ON THIS EARTH, YOU TRY TO PISS THEM OFF, WHICH IN TURN, HELPS YOU BECOME AN OUTCAST OF WESTERN SOCIETY.

LET'S SEE YA RESPOND TO THAT ONE , BIG DAN.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Oh, were we "arguing?"  Is that what was going on?  Why didn't someone tell me sooner?

Jeepers creepers, I'm sorry that you feel that way about me.  I will immediately try to become someone cool and intelligent like you at the first available opportunity.  I figure all it takes is to email random strangers and TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND SAY SENTENCES WHICH MAKE NO SENSE.  Here's a sample of one I just wrote:

YOU ARE A FLAMER YOU DICKFACE AND YOU DONT KNOW NUTHING BECUASE YUO ARE A BUG DUMMY AND LED ZEPPELIN IS GOOD AND THAT OS BECEUAS THEY HAVE A LOT OF HISTORY AND ROCK AND ROLL AND KISS SUCKS BUT YOU ARE A FATSO YOU BIG DOPEY HEAD.  I THINK YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE PEOPLE MAD AND IF SO IT CLEARLY DIDN'T WORK ON ME EVEN THOUGH I AM VERY MAD BECAUSEEE I IDOLIZE YOU AND YOUR OPINIONS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT TO ME BECUSEA I LOVE LED ZEPPELIN AND PINK FLOYD AND YOU ARE A JERK.

I wrote that to one of the columnists at cnn.com.  I don't even know who, it doesn't matter.  It proves I'm smart like you, the King of the Deep Thinkers!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

WOW!  Good comeback you piece of trash.  I personally guarantee I am more intelligent than you  are.  I have an IQ of 160, and as a high school student, have offers to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, and Georgtown Universities.  You are probably a young adult, who works at McDonalds, and sits on his fat ass, works on his computer or plays PS2.  I bet your using a library's computer, since you probably spend all your money on drugs, which in turn make you have so many awful choices for bands, which I think is all BULLshit anyway--you just did it to piss intelligent people off-since you aren't smart enough to figure out what the sentences meant in my other email--read this you firecrotch--------------YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

It is readily apparent that you have such a high I.Q. since you are obviously so smart!  You continually write paragraphs which tantalize the eye and soul.  I think you are probably the smartest person on Earth and I wish that everyone could be like you.

By the way, that guy from CNN wrote me back so I wrote him again, here's what I put:

HEY YOU STUPID FAGOOT YOU THINK ARE SO SMART BUT I AM GOING TO HARVORD THIS FALL AND THEN TRANSFERRING TO THE OXFART IN TEH FALL WHILE YOU ARE A DUMMY WHO WATCHES TV AND WORKS AT THE LAUNDROMAT LOLOLOL!  YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING BECAUUSEE IT IS SO ADVANCED!  YOU THINK PEOPLE CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY BUT NOBODY DOES WHICH IS WHY I WRITE YOU AN EMAIL EVERY CHANSE I GET TO SHOW YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE YOU BEUCAES THAT'S WHAT SMART PEOPLE LIKE ME WHO ARE GOING TO PRINCETORN DO!  I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY BUT I KEEP ASKING YOU TO WRITE ME BACK!  PLEASE WRITE BACK TO ME SO I CAN CONTINUE TO SHOW HOW BIG AND STRONG AND TOUGH AND SMART I AM AND TELL YOU MORE FUN FILLED HISTORY FACTS ABOUT HOW LED ZAPPLUN STOIPPED THE CIVIL WAR AND ALSO THEY ARE REALLY GOOD BUT YOU DON'T KNOW NUTHING BECKAASE I KEEP WRITING YOU TO SHOW HOW SMART I IS EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE DUMB AND YOU'D THINK SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO BE AS SMART AS I KEEP DOING WOULDN'T WASTE MY TIME BUT I DO BECAUSE I AM THE SUPER SMARTY PANTS!  TRY AND COME UP WITH A RESPONSE TO THAT YOU PIECE OF POOPY SNOT!

I can't wait to see what he writes back.  It probably won't be anywhere near as good as your stuff of course, since you are so obviously and drastically smart.  Your head must be about three feet around in order to house that massive brain you clearly possess.  Oops, gotta go, my shift at McDonald's and the PS2 tournament begins soon and it's going to take me at least twenty minutes to get my fat, obviously not as smart as your ass out of the chair.  Continue to live for me!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

"I can't wait to see what he writes back.  It probably won't be anywhere near as good as your stuff of course, since you are so obviously and drastically smart.  Your head must be about three feet around in order to house that massive brain you clearly possess.  Oops, gotta go, my shift at McDonald's and the PS2 tournament begins soon and it's going to take me at least twenty minutes to get my fat, obviously not as smart as your ass out of the chair.  Continue to live for me!"

DAN-the man!  you're catching on.  you maybe are smart! holy crap!  by the way that guy from cnn could kick your ass.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Well that's a let down.  At first I thought you'd written something coherent and worth reading but then I realized it was just a quote from my own email.

And maybe that guy from CNN could kick my ass... but not at PS2, that's for sure!  Just try and beat me at Resident Evil!  It will be humiliation for everyone except me!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

you are a geek.  I could kick the shit out of you--fact.  im not boasting or bragging, it's pure fact.  i am the shit.  you are shit.

good day danny boy

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Oh, I'm sure it would never even need to come to physical violence.  You could just focus that immense brain of yours that anyone can see is so gigantic and bring on the pain!  It is the challenge of the ages!  To be honest, I'm kind of surprised that someone with such readily apparent intellectual prowess would even need to stoop to something so childlike and immature as vain threats.  Again, you disappoint.  And here I was just starting to idolize you for your vast and seemingly unending brain power.

Still waiting on that guy from CNN, but rest assured I'll let you know how I fared, after all everything I learned about writing to people I learned from you and your brilliant eloquence!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Well Dan you are a pansy ass/  I bet you have no friends except for the guys you bang up the rear end.  but why diss you.  thats no fun.  anyways you know i could and would beat the shit outta you, but i will never meet you more than likely so thats out of the question.  but back to why this entire fiascal started, WHY don't you like the bands that are the most loved in world rock music of the 20th century? (OTHER THAN THE BULLSHIT ON YOUR GAY WEB PAGE)  are you one of those unique people, who likes other musical groups, or is your intelligence so low that you dont see the brilliance and RAW TALENT of these bands.  you should be tortured and beaten for suggesting the death of the great John Lennon (one of the most talented musicians of all time) was in any way, shape or form good for society.  that is why me, and millions of other lennon/beatles fans would beat the absolute shit out of your stinky ass.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Oh, were you "dissing" me?  Once again, I wish you would have told me that sooner.

I guess the reason I don't like those bands is because they are universally known to suck.  Liking other bands makes one "unique?"  I thought it made them "tasteful."

Ah yes, good old John Lennon.  My only real regret concerning his death was that it wasn't more torturous and painful, as retribution for all the agony he caused people who had to listen to his songs.  Like maybe if he could have been skinned alive by a potato peeler.  That might have been a more befitting death.

And more vain threats?  I'm truly disappointed that someone with such a high I.Q. and so many offers from prestigious schools would be reduced to nothing more than petty and empty threats of physical violence.  It's almost as if you made up all that stuff just to try and sound tough, as if anyone would believe that anyway.

Ooops, my favorite Bee Gees song just came on.  I need to go so can rock out to some great stuff!

Talk to you later, since I know you can't resist writing me!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

YOU dumbass--universally known to suck, huh?

1.  Beatles' Revolver album was #1 all time on VH1, and I'm quite sure they know music is.  If you think they are universally known to suck you are a fucking piece of trash, which I have already expressed extensively.

2.  Pink Floyds Dark side of the moon is the #3 album (in terms of sales)  IN WORLD HISTORY.

3.  Jimmy Page could kick your ass, too.

KISS MY INTELLIGENT ASS YOU SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE COCK SUCKER

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

It took you not one, not two, but three attempts to send that email?  Please, you don't need to keep referring to yourself as "intelligent," anyone can see that by your mastery of the written word and technological advancements of the computer science age!

VH1 thinks that "Revolver" is the number one album of all time?  I wish I'd have known that sooner, that obviously makes it the winner!  Such clear cut evidence cannot be denied!  The Beatles themselves also made VH1's list of world's worst bands to ever defile music.  It's true!

And Pink Floyd has a top selling album?  Well, sales = good I guess.  That must make Kenny G and the Bee Gees are great too.  And let's not forget Hootie and the Blowfish, Backstreet Boys, or Shania Twain.  All legends of music because they have a lot of record sales and that means talent for miles.

Jimmy Page could kick my ass?  Well there's yet another brilliant statement that truly fortifies the intelligence you so desperately seem to need to prove despite how abundantly clear it is.  If only everyone could be so smart!

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Danny boy you're talking out of your ass.

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

I like to talk out of my ass.  People can't figure out who is talking because my lips never move.  I could use this as a ventriloquist act!  What I can't figure out is how you know I possess that skill since we are both typing to one another.  Once again, your super brain power deduces the truth and solves the crime!  Have you ever considered teaming up with Angela Lansbury for an all new Murder She Wrote movie?  It could be great!  Certainly better than anything ever done by Led Zeppelin, but that's saying next to nothing since everything is better than that group.

From: Kaleb
To: The Danimal
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

everything's better than zeppelin huh danny, well your superior intellect tells me you found a few bands "worse" than those great pioneering hard rock legends commonly known as Led Zeppelin.  i guess you must be losing it.  or maybe you're getting smarter.  ??????????

From: The Danimal
To: Kaleb
Subject:  Re: ABOUT THE TEN WORST BANDS!!

Well, once you get to the top five or so, you're really into the dregs so it's hard to say which is worse.  I'll grant you this, Zeppelin is indeed better than The Doors, who couldn't possibly make more people throw up.  Of course, that's saying next to nothing, but yes, they're better than The Doors.  And remember, "I" didn't find five worse, those are undeniable facts on that list which took scholars years to compile.

- Danimal