For years and years, the public has been absolutely captivated by the work of street thugs and the sheer artistry produced by their aerosol palettes.  To be walking or driving along a quiet street and have the mundane scenery suddenly brightened by the words "Fuck You" spray painted on a brick wall or fence has a certain magical quality to it that can bring a smile to anyone's face.  It is a status most people never achieve.  But now, thanks to this simple to understand (for even--and especially--the really, really stupid) four step guide, you too can be well on your way to the elite class of lowlife vandalizers.

Of course, before you even begin on your road to urban stardom, you should decide if this is the correct choice for you.  To help you do so, take this quick and painless quiz!

• Do you want to live in financial freedom?
• Is your I.Q. in the single-to-double digit range?
• Are you unemployed, with nothing better you could possibly be doing?
• Do you find the irresistible compulsion to destroy and deface property for absolutely no apparent reason other than trying to mask your own inadequacies?
• Do you have the pressing and urgent need to tell the world your deepest and innermost thoughts, such as "Motherfucker" or "West Side?"
• Are you incapable of spelling even the simplest of words?

The first thing you must do to get prepared, obviously, is to buy some spray paint.  Typical colors would be black or white, so be original here!  Choose pink, mauve, or taupe to really express that inner sensitive side you are trying to express.  In order to purchase the paint, you will need money.  Since you undoubtedly have no job as only people who try to do silly and pointless things like "contribute to society" have those, this will probably require mugging people or selling crack.

Another huge part of preparing to launch your career is picking the right location for your masterpiece.  It must be highly visible and also something you don't personally own.  Here are some tips:

GOOD LOCATIONS:
An overpass on a highway
The side of a building
Someone's garage
Someone's car
A fence

BAD LOCATIONS:
The pavement of a highway
The Vatican
Your stomach

STEP TWO:  Decide What to Write

Possibly the most important step, figuring out what you want to emblazon for all the see for eternity is the next move.  But with so much out there, how can anyone ever come up with an idea?  Certainly no one would just go out and blast the first thing that comes into their mind, this requires weeks and possibly months of planning to get is just right.  To get you going, here's a few suggestions of good and bad ideas:

GOOD IDEA:  "Fuck the fucking fuckers"
BAD IDEA:  The quadratic formula

GOOD IDEA:  A totally indecipherable gang symbol
BAD IDEA:  Lord Byron sonnets

GOOD IDEA:  A bunch of nicknames for people no one's ever heard of
BAD IDEA:  Your home address and phone number

While it is a foregone conclusion that your education level hasn't passed the second grade, you should take painstaking measures to ensure that your handwriting is so bad that it completely obscures whatever message you're trying to convey in the first place.  Randomly capitalize letters, turn some upside down, and omit several in order to make it a fun guessing game for passers by to determine the true genius of your inscription.

Sure, it will take much longer to make your writings look like the nonsensical scrawlings of a two year old with no eyes, but just think of the decades of long lasting excitement this will bring to the general public!

The tragic irony of the graffitti lowlife is that he must live in perpetual anonymity, thanks to some nosy busybodies still insisting that vandalism is "a crime."  However, you can still bask in the warmth of knowing that your senseless defacing has caused joy and well being for people far and wide.

At this point, the only thing left to do is enjoy your celebrity status, most often expressed by people calling you a "son-of-a-bitching piece of shit reject asshole."  Secretly though, they will envy you for your vast intelligence and creative skill.  We salute you.

- Danimal