Hola, amigos from both far and wide!  As always, I have been trying with much diligence to lead una vida de peace and love, mixed in with the occasional torment and plundering of todos los gringos in sight.  But this peace was interrupted by someone representing Shill Detectives Inc.  Though there should be a comma between "Detectives" y "Inc.," I decided que I would leer el email anyway, in case un otro gringo necesita my unique services.

I know it is ridiculous about how some citizens treat our language. It's alnmost as bad as the cockroaches that crawl across our border and expect us to learn their gibberish.

Dios mio, you know of cockroaches que pueden hablar?  You need to keep those handy, they may make you mucho dinero.  That way when I come to rob and terrorize you no teneré que matarte.

I completely agree that los gringos son todos idiots and none of them can speak inglés to save their lives.

Of course far worse than las cucarachas I mentioned before is the subset of those that threaten violence whenever a dissenting opinion is expressed. Ciao Amigo.

I do not believe I threatened violence because of a dissenting opinion, pero rather porque todos de los gringo must be robbed and terrorized at some point, yes?

I think that your statement..."That way when I come to rob and terrorize you no tenere que matarte." says just that. The key words are "I come to rob and terrorize you". Perhaps in your culture amd mindset you can expect everyone must be robbed and terrorized and but I still live in a community where those sort of activities and the people that would do or threaten to do are looked down upon. Maybe if you spent more time thinking about what you say instead of how you say then you might keep your foot out of your mouth. Comprende Amigo ?

No, only the gringos, not everyone.  Eso es porque they exist.  Perhaps you should take una clase o dos on how to understand inglés and then you will know what people que pueden hablarlo are saying to you.  It is muy doubtful though, as the gringos have a muy despacio learning curve.

Enough of your dual lingual sillyness. Go and crawl back into your burro hole and watch out for the cockroaches. Gringos need not worry. They eat their own you know. It happens  every night here in LA.

It is a shame que en su fine, upstanding community that you don't look down on racism and cannibalism también.  Perhaps the gringos would almost be tolerable then, sí?  Probablemente no.  Por favor, keep your valuables in a place donde yo puede find them with ease.

It's too bad you find the gringos so intolerable. It is also a shame that you have to live around those you find so intollerable. In my case I choose to live in neighborhoods where the cannibalistic cockroaches can't afford to live.  And as far as my valuables go I wouldn't worry too much about them. At least I don't worry about them. Perhaps you do worry about them and how you could obtain them from me while you rob and terrorize me. You see in the better neighborhoods we have ways of detecting cockroach intrusions into our homes and ways of dealing with them should they succeeed.

Ja, ja, it is always muy divertido to watch the gringos think that they can come out on top against the superior in every way mejicanos.  You may detect and try to deal with me todo que se gusta, it only makes it that much more fun for me.  I will enjoy spending su dinero.

Now that's funny. Perhaps the only dinero of mine you are spending is that which my messikan gardener and cleaning lady pass on to you. As far as the superior in every way messikans go I wonder why they can't even run their own country and crawl like cockroaches to be with the good people. It's probably because there are too many messikans where they come from.

Another joke from el gringo!  Certainly no gringo has ever come out on top de anything.  Or thought about anything for that matter.  In fact, los cucarachas hablado of which you speak are better than the gringos.  It is always muy divertido to watch the poor, frightened gringos try to insult los mejicanos porque they know that nosotros somos better in every conceviable way.  Except for screaming like las niñas pequeñas cuando I pay them a visit.  That is el solo area in which they excel.

Su spelling y grammar are getting steadily worse.  Si te gusta I could give you a few lessons después de I steal your every wordly possession.  Estoy aquí para ayudar!

My spelling and grammar mistakes are only outdone by your stupidity. The whole split language text of your e-mails may amuse your messikan friends but is gets very annoying here. The only thing you could really teach me is what a racist asshole you really are. But then, you have already done that. Oh, and dream on about stealing my money as only a smart "gringo" could accomplish that. So that on note, having grown very tired of your self proclaimed intelligence, I will bid you auf wiedersehen, not in the literal meaning but only in translation.

Oh, pobrecito, please do not cry.  I have not even paid you a visit yet.  Por favór, save the tears para eso.

¿Y un otro divertido?  Ja ja, "smart gringo," we both know que no hay such a thing.

Te veo soon!

Mi amigo never did write back.  He is probablemente too busy installing multiple security alarms en su casa.  It is unfortunate that he clearly has no novia, for I would enjoy raping her as well.  ¡Hasta la vista, amigos!

- Señor Palabras