Hey now, maybe things aren't so bad for good ol' "Down On His Luck"
Dante. Oh sure, his life is still in shambles, as is his body, but
that may soon change...
FoundMoney.com
recently emailed me to tell me that I absolutely, positively, definitely
have money tucked away in some long forgotten account that will make me
the richest man alive in moments. I immediately went to their site
and ran a search for "Raspeller." Guess what? Nothing.
But hope is not dead! They claim on the site that it is also possible
to get a more detailed search by joining their service. Well, this
deserved an email or two. Or three. Or about ten before I finally
got a response (thanks to a clever subject line).
From: The
Danimal
To: assist@foundmoney.com
Subject: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Dear sirs,
I have received an incredibly stupendous email telling me that I have
unclaimed money floating around somewhere in cyberspace like a catfish.
This is wonderful news, thank you!
My name is Dante C. Raspeller and I am a veteran of the Gulf War.
Due to various and assorted scarring and amputations, steady work has been
the last of my options in recent times. But this news would seem
to indicate that can already have money coming to me!
I went to your site and tried to search for my lost heaps of cash but
could find nothing. However, it did say that there were other ways
of finding money with which to wallpaper my shanty, such as phone calls
or signing up for a membership. Please give me more details on this
so that I might act in the soonest conceivable time frame!
Thank you very much for your time and help, ma'am!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Floating around like a catfish? Mmm, that sounds appetizing!
The reply was--as usual--less than helpful.
From: Pam
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Found Money locates unclaimed accounts for the United States, Australia,
Austria, New Zealand and Canada.
In order to find out if you have an account that has been left unclaimed,
you can do a free search on our site at http://www.foundmoney.com/.
If you locate your name, you can click "Buy a Membership" at the top
of the page. This will take you to a page where you can purchase your membership
online and begin your detailed searches right away! Alternately, you can
click this link to go look at our other payment/search options: https://secured.foundmoney.com/main/content/options.htm
All of the information you need to claim your money comes up for you
instantly after you log in to your new membership. Use the information
found, to mail a claim to the appropriate financial institution.
If you have more than one name you would like to search, you can go
back to our homepage and login to begin another search.
To purchase a membership, please go to: https://secured.foundmoney.com/main/php/purchase.php
If you have any further questions, please let us know.
Sincerely,
Pam
Customer Service
FoundMoney.com
Interestingly, I got the exact same email from "Cindy" the very same day.
What's a form letter again?
From: The
Danimal
To: Pam
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Hello Pam and Cindy, and thank you for at long last answering my humble
questions which may probably seem silly to all including myself!
My problem is this: I did indeed go to your website and and a
fun time doing a search for lost mountains of potential money using my
full name--Dante C. Raspeller. Nothing was returned by this search,
but it did say that there was a way to find out if I had much money in
store even if the brief search returned nothing, such as phone calls or
memberships. What I would like to know is how I go about using these
exciting and varied methods for tracking down my lost fortune, sirs!
Please let me know what my next step should be so that I may soon find
untold riches through little to no work!
Thank you and I look forward to your reply!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Same questions a second time, a slightly more helpful response this time.
From: Cindy
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
The email you received is from one of our affiliates and was sent to
you as an invitation to do a free search on our site to see if you have
any unclaimed money. Receiving this email is not a guarantee that you do
have money. If your name is not found in the free search, then we do not
have your name in our database at this time. Please try back another time,
as we do update our database every 3 months.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Oh no! Just when things were looking up for Dante, his dreams are
shot down in flames. Don't think for a minute this is going to stop
me from replying though.
From: The
Danimal
To: Cindy
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thank you for taking the time once again to answer my silly questions,
ma'am!
So am I to guess that joining and calling would be of no benefit?
What if I have secret money that for some reason doesn't show in the free
search? My spirits are soaring with this prospect of becoming the
next Joe Millionaire, even though my name is not Joe, my friends!
Please let me know how to proceed, as I can barely sit still with excitement
rather than from the shooting pains in my lower back like normal!
Thank you for your time and help, sir!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Another denial came the next day.
From: Becky
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
We have listings, from every state, in the free search. If your first
and last name do not come up, then there are no outstanding funds in your
name at this time. to be a millionaire, you would have had to have forgotten
a million dollar account at some time in the past, I would have to assume
there wasn't much chance of that :-)
Joining and calling would be a waste of your funds, everything owed
is listed in the free search, there are no hidden accounts.
Becky
Woah, actual honesty! Here's a guy looking to shell out money for
what would undoubtedly be a waste of time, and they actually say so?
It almost felt bad to keep writing. Nah, it didn't.
From: The
Danimal
To: Becky
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thanks again for the kind-hearted reply, m'lady!
I will be the first to admit that a lost million dollar account in my
name would be so goofy it would cause people to laugh and hurl sharp objects
at me. Then again, with my multiple blackouts and memory loss following
several grenade incidents, anything is possible!
But what if another member of my family has such an account and that
person is no longer living, possibly due to a tennis game gone horribly
wrong? Could I not find and spend this money? Or what if I
have money overseas and not simply in one of the United States? These
are questions which plague me constantly. Please let me know if I
should sign up and call right away, sirs!
Thank you for your help, I await your reply!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
This now makes about the third time in a row I've offered to pay them even
knowing that I will get nothing in return. I was waiting for someone
to tell me to join, just for a laugh. My plan was to then pretend
like I couldn't get the sign up form to work. This never happened,
sadly.
From: Becky
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
We only search Canada the United States, Australia and New Zealand at
this time.
You can claim for a family member only if they are deceased and you
are the next of kin. The next of kin is usually in the order of Spouse,
oldest child, etc. If you are the next of kin, you will need to provide
documentation to the institution holding the money which would include
a copy of the death certificate and claim holders social security number.
If you would like to research this further, you would need to purchase
a membership to begin a detailed search.
Becky
OK, so now we're getting back to square one. On one hand, I'm told
that if it's not in the free search, it's not there, but now I'm told (and
the site says this as well) that a more detailed search may yield better
results. Which is it? I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
From: The
Danimal
To: Becky
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
As always, Becky, thank you for the warm reply of much help!
I think that joining and getting a membership may be the way to go,
as it may be the only way to ever discover if my rich Dutch uncle, Ludwig
Der Heinenbach VIII left me millions in some untouched account in the Swiss
Alps! This could mean much money, even if the current exchange rate
is less than favorable, ma'am!
But let's say I buy a membership and turn up nothing. Aside from
the terrible feeling of sadness and suicidal depression, would there be
some sort of refund in my future? This would brighten my spirits
considerably, and maybe even make me eat mashed potatoes again!
How about the telephone calls? Do those offer speedier results?
Please let me know, I am more than willing to join as long as it turns
out that I do not end up even more in the poorhouse than I already am!
To do that, I need only get mugged furiously again, and this takes little
effort, my friends!
Please let me know, I appreciate any help.
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I believe they have explicitly said three separate times that they search
neither Holland nor Switzerland, so I was pretty sure what would be coming
back with this reply.
From: Cindy
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
We do not search the swiss alps. We only search accounts in the
United States, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. If your name is
listed in our free search and you are unable to claim any money, you are
entitled to a refund.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Actually, that email is severely shortened, as after the initial paragraph
it then went on with the exact same form letter I got the first time.
From: The
Danimal
To: Cindy
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thank you for your reply again, ma'am!
I am confused. You say that I can get a refund if I have a result
in the free search but then don't get any actual money. What if I
did NOT have a result in the free search but wish to research the possibility
of my Great Grandfather Klaus Chang Raspeller leaving me fortunes in an
untapped account somewhere in New Zealand, where he often went to frolic?
If I join in this instance, is there still a refund for me please, sir?
I like this phone operator idea. They do not purposely talk very
slowly in order to take all of my money, do they, ma'am? I have called
multitudes of psychic hotlines in the past and it is usually a good hour
before they even finish saying "hello." This sounds funny but not
so when the phone man comes to beat me furiously because I can't pay my
bill, my friends! Let me assure you that no fun is had except for
maybe by the phone man!
Please let me know. I appreciate your continuing help in this
matter and look forward to becoming business partners with your firm!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
At this point, my questions were sincere. I really didn't understand
what in the hell they were talking about, and really just wanted to get
to the bottom of this curious mystery.
From: Cindy
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
If you are checking out your Great Grandfather and his name is in the
free search and you can't collect anything you can get a refund.
The 900# is to call from the U.S.A only. They try to do it as
fast as they can. Most calls usually last 3-4 minutes.
Sincerely,
Cindy
A straight, direct answer?! This must be a first for Dante.
No form letters, no talking in circles. Hmmm, time to switch gears,
I guess...
From: The
Danimal
To: Cindy
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thank you for your reply, madam!
Can the phone calls last longer if I wish? Being able to speak
to sexy and sultry operators has its appeals to me, I don't mind being
honest with you about that, my friends! I would pay top dollar for
the chance to speak about life and the excruciating pain I experience with
another person who would not then take my wallet. Your operators
cannot do that since they are only on the phone, you see?
I found absolutely no search results whatsoever for the name "Raspeller,"
which is my last name. But I am not convinced that I am still not
some sort of multi-billionaire in hiding! Please help me to recognize
my dream, sirs! Can you still help me?
I look forward to your help and reply in this matter, thank you.
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I like how I clarify that the reason I searched "Raspeller" is because
it's my last name. I guess the offer of phone sex got the Big Man,
"Robert" on the case.
From: Robert
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
If your name was not listed on our site, then calling our operators
would not be helpful as they have the same searches you see on our site.
As far as talking to them about your experiences or any other concerns,
they are not there for that. They are there simply to look up your
name and tell you whether or not there is a match. You are charged for
the minutes you are on your call, but again at this point, there is no
need for you to call if you did not find your name.
No "thank you" or signature or anything! This Robert is pretty rude,
if you asked me.
From: The
Danimal
To: Robert
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thank you Robert for the reply!
I continue to be confused on this matter of the membership, sirs, it
is like a plague that will not cease, much like my stabbing chest pains
due to frequent cigarette smoking!
I was told a few emails back that if I wanted to search family members,
such as the famous Baron Duke Q. Raspeller that I should apply for memberships
and call phone numbers and sell my kidneys. Now you tell me that
it is NOT a good idea? This sends my head reeling in many different
directions, which is no small feat considering my fused neck, my friends!
And ma'am, while I realize that the operators are not there for that,
I thought they might enjoy some lively, spirited conversation with a gentleman
who will no doubt be rich beyond measure in just a few short moments!
Perhaps they can even help me to FIND some money, if you know what I mean!
A few keystrokes of the computing machine and suddenly I have money to
found in many accounts worldwide! That would be simply splendid,
I am not even kidding about that, sir!
Please let me know about this confusion over the search and if it is
OK to call the operators and ask them out on several dates. This
would make my day, good friend!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Now I'm implying that the operators could use underhanded measures to secretly
embezzle money for me. I'm sure that'll go over well. Or I'll
get a form letter, one or the other.
From: Cindy
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Hi, this is the exact same form letter I've now sent you fifteen times.
Please don't even bother to copy and paste it into your latest article.
Sincerely,
Cindy
Man oh man, what does it take to get a rise out of these people?
Let's try again...
From: The
Danimal
To: Cindy
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
As always, thank you for the words of wisdom, it is much help to me!
Do I need to sign up for a membership just to call those numbers?
I will if necessary, but if not I will simply call your operators immediately
and stay on the line with them for hours on end to discuss things such
as stock markets and what they are wearing! This could be enjoyable
and laugh filled, not like when I normally talk to women and they begin
violently thrashing me in the groin with pointy high-heeled shoes.
Please let me know if membership is necessary in this case, sirs, thank
you!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
OK, there's a simple enough question, right? No way they can send
a form letter on this one!
From: Deb
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Hi, this is yet again the same form letter because we are all incapable
of reading and therefore cannot actually answer any of your questions.
Sincerely,
Deb
Well, it's pretty clear that I'm going to get no response other than a
form letter every time, so we may as well go apeshit.
From: The
Danimal
To: Deb
Subject: Re: ANSWER ME, GOSH DANGIT!
Thank you Deb for the fun reply which is exciting to the extreme!
I'm afraid that did not even come remotely close to answering my questions
though, sir! I was asking if I need to apply for membership in order
to call up your hot operators to discuss my quest to become rich and also
what color underwear they may or may not have on at that particular moment.
Is membership required even for this?
Please let me know, it is much appreciated!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Though I fully expected the same "Found Money locates unclaimed accounts
for the United States... blah, blah, blah..." email, I actually got nothing.
I can only imagine that on their end they were thinking that sending the
same email over and over would deter me, but this was not the case.
In any event, looks like I'm not the next Joe Millionaire after all.
I guess it's because my name isn't Joe.
- Danimal
