Now that I'm a staff writer for N-S, a lot of people are beginning to look up to me as the eminent sage I am.  I get a lot of questions in the e-mail that cover a wide range of topics.  Relationships, criminal tactics, personal hygiene -- everything.  So as not to disappoint the seas of fans out there in need of my guidance, I've sorted the letters by topic and I'm going to address the more common topics in hopes that the most people will be served.  To all of the rest of you that have sent in letters asking for advice, I'm going to try to do this often enough to help all of you too.

Dear Nerraux,
Sometimes when I pee, I do the after-squeeze/shake until nothing more comes out.  Then I re-pack the equipment, and all of the sudden I feel a couple drops spatter the length of my leg.  The wetness feels kind of nice, but I don't want people to see the whiz-tracks on my pant leg when I walk around after.  Is there a sure-fire way to make sure the lemonade pouch is empty before letting go of the straw?

Thanks for your help,
Dribblin' in Dallas

Percentage of letters received with this question: 28.4

It seems you have an age-old problem on your hands (or leg, as the case may be) there and so I'm happy to offer these suggestions:

1) This may be a simple underwear issue.  If your drips are getting that kind of range, you must be wearing loose-fitting underwear -- boxers, boxer-briefs, tighty-whities that your father has retired to the bin for rags used when waxing the car, etc.  A simple switch to regular briefs should keep your wang in place enough that it won't be able to whip around like a fire hose that's been turned on with nobody to hold it.  Plus, a good absorbent pair will keep all of the joy inside without showing too much on your jeans. And an added benefit: lower sperm count.  I solve your problem and give you partial birth control all in one step, you're welcome.  I would recommend, however, that you buy colored briefs, as they tend to hide the "blacktop" better.  But that's another issue for another time.

2) Wear shorts.  Errant urine is less visible as drops on your bare leg than it is as stains on your pants, plus you get the bonus cooling tingle every time the wind blows.

3) Permanent catheter.  Sure it hurts like hell going in, but you only have to do it once, and then you only have to visit the bathroom twice per day (or a mere seven times if you're drinking).  This solution could have a detrimental effect on your sex life, but if you're a fan of N-S, chances are you don't have a partner to offend anyway.

4) Forget about it.  Who cares what other people think about your schlong-drool? Most often times they won't have the courage to point it out to you, and if they do, tell them you dripped water while washing your hands.  This may not work so well if you have particularly stinky pee, in which case, you should either consider option 3.

5) Build yourself a caveman house in the wilds of West Virginia.  "If there ain't nobody around, there ain't nobody to care where you're piddlin'," as my ole pappy, Ted Kaczynski, used to say.

Dear Nerraux,
I LUV toasted marshmallows! I mean I can't go through a day without one! MMMM! I'm going to have to go make one right NOW!
K, I'm back! That was AWESOME! Here's my problem…I reallyreallyreallyreally love to make toasted marshmallows, but usually I catch them on fire when roastin'.  That's not the problem, I like 'em burnt too, this is the problem: I'm epileptic, so when I have an attack in the middle of a flamer (that's what I call 'em when they burn! LOL! :)), I usually set stuff on fire.  My cat's dead, the kitchen burnt down (thank goodness the fire-guys got here in time to save the rest of the house! Thanks East Appleton VFD!), and I'm bald because I burned off all the hair, and new hairs won't grow through the scar tissue.  Help!

Shakin' and Bakin'

Percentage of letters received with this question: 9.8

1) Your biggest problem is that you're an AOL freak.  Go back to grammar school and repeat every grade until you can type a whole sentence without any of that infantile code.

2) You need to be prepared for the possibility that you have been naturally selected.  Perhaps you should just continue as you have, and I'll work on drafting a letter to the Darwin awards that I can just send whenever the end comes.

3) You're stupid (see previous paragraph).

4) Flamers? Love of firemen? No comment.

5) Bald head.  Dead cat.  That solution seems pretty obvious to me.  Check out http://www.ooze.com/ooze13/cats.html to learn how to remove the skin for your toupee, and get some great recipes as well.

Nerraux Lucius Hallenbeck!
If you don't clean up your room this instant, I'm going to do it.  And if I do it, I'm putting everything I pick up in the garbage!

Whatever that purple goo is that keeps dripping into the living room beneath your bedroom, some dripped on the cat making him paralyzed on the left side and giving him a tendency to sneeze and fart at the same time twice an hour.  If some gets on your uncle, it may well kill him.

And the smell!  Lord have mercy!  Flies cloud around outside your door like they think you've opened a rendering plant in there, and that peeping Tom that came last week made a real mess of my flowerbed when he caught a whiff of the draft under your window and died on the spot.

Clean it now or we're going to have to turn you out on your own!  It's for your own good.

Love,
Aunt Ethel

Percentage of letters received with this question: 7.6

So concludes this round of "Dear Nerraux." Please feel free to beg for my assistance with whatever other pressing issues you may have, just e-mail me at nerraux@nothing-sacred.net.  It would be selfish to keep all this wisdom bottled up, and I welcome the opportunity to use my wisdom to make this world a better place.

- Nerraux