Things just seem to get worse and worse for that Dante C. Raspeller.
In his depression from all his other failed efforts to improve his life,
apparently now he's taken to eating himself into a big, fat tub.
Luckily though, he has the chance to change all that, thanks to a wonderful
product...
Behold, InstaTrim!
Not only will this cause super fast weight loss (meaning it must be safe
and healthy), you can even get a free one month supply when you pay only
$8,000,000 to have it shipped. Well, maybe not that much, but it
was close. Still, it's just too good a deal for me to ignore.
From: The
Danimal
To: customerservice@instatrim.com
Subject: Re: WANTED: Anyone willing to lose 30lbs in 30 days
Free
Hello fine friends!
I've sent this message all week and gotten no reply. This does
not give the best of feelings, please respond, ma'am!
I have just finished reading the finest email I have ever gotten and
still cannot believe how good this is!
My name is Dante C. Raspeller and I am a veteran of the Gulf War.
With the many horrors that my tour of duty showed me, such as people driving
off of cliffs into the awaiting mouths of hungry sharks, I have been in
what you might call mild-to-life threateningly severe depression.
As such, I have taken to eating and drinking almost all day long.
As you would imagine, I have gained a few pounds here and there!
My friends laugh at me now, sir!
I would love to try your free samples of this miracle weight loss program
which will have me strapping and handsome again in no time! Is this
truly free? I mean, surely there must be some sort of catch to receiving
such a large amount of health inducing wonder machines!
Are there any testimonials for this product? I searched your site
but I will admit that many times while on the internet my surfing ability
is not the greatest due to my occasional glaucoma.
Please let me know, I look forward to any help you are able to provide,
my friends!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
As you would guess, I had to send this message at least six times before
anyone even bothered to reply, but at long last they did.
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
Hello,
When you order the promotional 30 day trial for $6.95 you are shipped
out a one month supply of InstaTrim, a free Weight Loss E-Book and a free
Muscle Toning Band. Also, as stated on the order page of the website and
on a note included in the 30 day trial package, you will receive the convenient
AutoShape program at no additional cost. The AutoShape is a one time shipment
including two additional bottles of InstaTrim to complete your 90 day weight
loss program, for a limited time reduced price of $68.85 (shipping/handling
included). If you choose not to receive the AutoShape program, you need
to call or email our customer service department within 21 days of placing
your 30 day trial order and tell us that you do not wish to continue the
program. However, should you choose accept the AutoShape program, we will
include two Free Round-trip Airline vouchers as a gift, to help you celebrate
your dedication to a healthier lifestyle!
Thank you for choosing Instatrim. Please do not hesitate to contact
us with any further questions or concerns.
Man, this just comes with all kinds of free stuff, all for only seventy
six dollars! Who wouldn't immediately get out their credit card and
order this moment?
From: The
Danimal
To: InstaTrim
Customer Service
Subject: Re: InstaTrim
Hello and thank you, kind folks, for replying to my inquiry of gigantic
proportions, no pun intended!
This sounds like too good a deal to possibly pass up without being in
a mentally imbalanced state or possibly under the influence of foreign
substances. Both of which I can assure I am not at this particular
moment, my friends!
I still wish to know if there are any testimonials which may attest
to the effectiveness of this wonderful invention. Is there such a
thing? I would appreciate this until the end of time if you could
tell me, sir!
Where do the round-trip vouchers of which you speak take me? As
long as it is not the Persian Gulf, I have many memories that I do not
wish to relive since I served there for many months. A fun place
like Tennessee may do wonders for the mind and spirit though!
Please let me know, I am almost ready to go ahead with my commitment
to this product if I could just get a few quick answers to my most benign
questions. Thank you ma'am!
Looking forward to your reply!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I figured that since usually I only ever get one reply I'd throw in the
part about being very close to buying the product in order to keep stringing
them along. It worked.
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
Please review our website for further details at http://www.instatrim.com
Thank You.
Jason H.
InstaTrim Customer Service
Well, it sort of worked. Unfortunately, I'd been all over that website
and couldn't find any of the information I requested. Maybe I do
have glaucoma!
From: The
Danimal
To: InstaTrim
Customer Service
Subject: Re: InstaTrim
Thank you Jasonh, I appreciate the reply, sir!
I have visited the website you speak of no less that 8 or maybe 6 times
over the last week yet I am unable to find the answers to my questions,
my friend! This is in all likelihood due to my total incompetence
as an internet surfer but may also have to due with my many medications!
In any event, please direct me to where the testimonials are.
I would love to hear the graphic exploits of other successful users of
this product and see how beautiful they are now! Also, to which destinations
will these airline vouchers work? I am a lover of travel and also
staying home, so this could be fun in every aspect, yes!
Please let me know so that I might finalize my decision to purchase
your product. Thank you, ma'am!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Typically the question of product testimonials is dodged at every turn,
and you'll notice had been for three consecutive emails. But finally
these guys got with the program.
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
Click
here for the testimonials page and here is a link for the vouchers: http://www.majesticvacation.com/
Jason H.
InstaTrim Customer Service
I hope you read those testimonials. If nothing else, check out the
ones off to the side which include "actual" photos! I tell you what,
it's completely believable that not only did those people lose weight,
but also that they are professional photographers with perfectly lit sets
and cameras which can do incredible depth-of-field effects. Either
that or they're all just made up and have a few stock pictures of models
slapped on them to fool idiots. It sure seems to have worked on Dante...
From: The
Danimal
To: InstaTrim
Customer Service
Subject: Re: InstaTrim
Thank you VERY much, Jasonh, this has made life so much simpler!
I have gone over the testimonials page several times now. This
continues to seem too good to be true! Many of the women in the photographs
were stunning lookers, sir, if you don't mind my saying so man to man!
There should be a reunion so that lonely men like myself can meet young
and virile women! This would be exciting! Perhaps people could
use their free vouchers to get there! I am loaded with multitudes
of good ideas today, my friends!
I am also loaded with weight, which brings me back to the product in
question. One testimonial mentioned that a previous product made
her jittery. This product does not do that, does it? I ask
because I'm already quite jittery from much coffee drinking, smoking cigarettes,
and occasional cocaine use. I do not need another jitter-causer!
Then again, perhaps this one would fight the others and cause me to sit
still for once in my life, sir!
The vouchers looked good. In addition to many overseas destinations,
they also offered several trips to both the United States and Florida as
well! My cousin was eaten by an alligator in Florida, so that's out,
but the others look very fun indeed! How long will this offer last?
I apologize for my many questions, but I have been swindled so many
times in the past by men in black coats and large vans that I try to make
sure now. I hope you understand! I look forward to your reply,
kind gentleman!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Oh yeah, that's right. The free vouchers listed their destinations,
including: Western U.S., Eastern U.S., and Florida. Apparently
when we weren't looking Florida seceded. No loss there I guess.
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
The offer will be out for awhile yet, also it depends on the situation
it could make you jittery if you drink just coffee and take the pills.
It is recommended that you take the pills with water.
Jason H.
InstaTrim Customer Service
"If you drink
just coffee and take the pills?" Well what happens
if I ask to drink coffee and a few other things?
From: The
Danimal
To: InstaTrim
Customer Service
Subject: Re: InstaTrim
Hello yet again, Jasonh, my friend of amigos!
I am glad to know the offer will be around for some time. This
cements my decision to continue deciding whether I want to choose the product
or not!
This concerns me, this part about being jittery. While I would
never take the pills with coffee, as this would be an almost certain death
sentence for someone in my state, I do not think I can give up coffee completely.
What if I were to drink seven cups of coffee (my usual morning routine),
take the pill with a bottle of Scotch, and then have a few more cups of
coffee coupled with my daily three packs of cigarettes? Would this
cause problems? If so, I could cut down on a cigarette or two, but
probably not. I have seen horrors you would not believe and need
the cigarettes, sir! They are medicinal!
Perhaps my situation is unique. I'm not sure, but I can definitely
say that I need to lose weight fast! I am not too pleasing too the
human eye, my friends! Even certain dogs find me disgusting, but
this is not the time for that. Please let me know if this is the
right product for me. I would be grateful for the rest of my life,
ma'am!
Thank you for you reply, I look forward to your assistance.
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Ah yes, medicinal cigarettes. I swear, I only smoke for the health
benefits of all that tar and nicotine!
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
We don't recommend to take the InstaTrim with alcohol, or with that
much coffee, You will probably go insane. We do recommend to take it with
water and lots of it so you do not get dehydrated.
Jason H.
InstaTrim Customer Service
It's not recommended, but not out of the question. That's good, at
least I can still give it a whirl. I'm all for trying any product
which promises possible insanity and/or dehydration, after all.
From: The
Danimal
To: InstaTrim
Customer Service
Subject: Re: InstaTrim
Oh my, Jasonh, this sounds grim indeed!
I do not wish to go insane. This may present a problem.
There were many occasions during the Gulf War when insanity had many of
my men in its grip. They acted crazy, sir, I am not kidding!
Even though I will not drink the pills down with alcohol, there's always
some in my system due to mass quantities of gin and coffee I drink on an
hourly-to-non-stop basis. I went to the hospital for therapy on my
stumps where my legs used to be and they asked me my blood type.
I said "80 proof!" This cause laughter but is no joke so cease laughing,
ma'am!
Why would the product cause dehydration? Is it made of secret
materials like sawdust? Would this make me go to the bathroom more?
Please help with my questions, I appreciate your time, my friends!
Sincerely,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Seems like a pretty good set of questions to me. I really did want
to know why it might dehydrate a person. The response was not what
I was expecting at all (which would have been "no response"):
From: InstaTrim
Customer Service
To: The Danimal
Subject: InstaTrim
Well Dante I am not sure what else I can help with you but I can send
you to a very good Website with all the information you need http://www.nothing-sacred.net/articles/1/166/
, I hope you have a very good day.
Jason H.
InstaTrim Customer Service
D'OH! Dammit, this overwhelming internet celebrity stardom has foiled
me again! Or probably more accurately, the guy realized this was
some sort of joke and ran a search for Dante and turned up N-S. Hey,
at least he said it's "very good." Sarcastic or not, it's the closest
thing to a compliment I'll ever see. But so ends another adventure
in the life of everyone's favorite Gulf War veteran. It's time for
me to go, I need to go have my three packs of medicinal cigarettes.
- Danimal
