OK, Matt Shelby, this time you've gone too far.  Many of you will recall that Matt, in a sadistic torture ritual, sent me the two worst games ever created in the history of the universe (except for anything rhyming with "Schmenga"), Princess Tomato and Wall Street Kid.  But this time he went too damn far by tricking me into playing some really, really horrible piles of crap.  There's three to go through today, but they won't take long because I was unable to play any one of them for more than twenty seconds before entering a coma of amazement mixed with sheer horror.

First up, everyone's favorite, Mike Tyson's Punch Out... or is it?  Something about that screen looks a little off, such as the fact that everything on it is written in Klingon.  A smart person would have hit "Exit" right then and there.  I, on the other hand, played it.

What in the shitburger piss donkey is going on here?  Glass Joe is in the buff?  Operator, I've got a naked boxer on my screen... and he's nude!  What the PizzleWig damn hell is this supposed to be?  Sadly, I was actually a little jealous of Joe's manhood.  Still, I did my best to hold back the vomit and fought him anyway.

Every bit as difficult as I remember.  You'll note that it actually took me the better part of two rounds to mop the floor with this guy, proving once again that I am quite possibly the worst at playing games on my computer on the face of the planet.

Uh-oh, looks like Von Kaiser's naked too.  Who in the world would actually spend the time to do this?  And secondly, how is it done so I can start modifying Tetris into Super Babe Tit Fest Extravaganza?

Piston Honda wanted to give me a TKO from Tokyo.  I'm just glad he didn't want to give me a Steamer from Cleveland.  Looks like he's a little flaccid there, but things perk up once he hits the mat.  In beating Mr. Honda, I of course advanced to the next circuit and got to go through what has to be the most exciting and entrancing training sequence since the dance rehearsals of Staying Alive:

Doc Flabturd putts along on his bike while you jog behind him, sporadically giving him CPR to restart his bloated heart.  And who could forget that pulse pounding music that accompanied this scene?

King Hippo starts the game naked but somehow puts on trunks while going down for the count.  Please insert your own "going down" jokes, as I'm disturbed by this whole bullshit and need to immediately move on to gaming masterpiece #2...

Ah tennis.  A sport this horribly crappy and boring to both play and watch must be fun to play on the trusty Nintendo, right?  Right?

Wrong.  Apparently this is not just a regular game of tennis but is actually "Lesbian Tennis."  No wait, I guess that is a regular game of tennis  But check it out, you see you're naked!  Isn't that funny?  Isn't that cool?  No, you sick fucks.

Check out the sponsor.  That's hilarious!  I'll have to find the 13 year old who made this and give him The World's Funniest Video Game Dude award, consisting of repeated beatings with a sledgehammer.

See what happens here?  The guy in the high chair... swears!  This is classic.  No wait, it's still a shitty tennis game and tennis sucks and a naked pixelated chick does absolutely nothing for me so piss on this.

Time for an old favorite, Sesame Street ABC.  Surely no one could change a harmless and fun spirited educational game into a sick and twisted cry for help or to be arrested by several tazer-wielding federal agents.

But then again, I guess they could.  Not only is it funny because Bert is fondling his genitals, but also because the Batjet is hovering in front of the full moon.  Cleverness to the extreme!  Get the pellet gun.

Cookie Monster and Ernie still dance around like fruitcakes...

...but this time Big Bird gets in on the action as well!  OK, enough of this spelling crap, let's play the fun rubber duck game.  I'm sure that won't be twisted and illegal.

Well, that does it.  I'm calling someone about this right away.  Unfortunately, the only number I have readily available is my own phone number, and that keeps coming up busy.

Little Mac may look disappointed that he lost (at least I assume that's what's going on since I don't speak Venutian), but I couldn't be more thrilled that this has come to a conclusion.  Matt, refrain from sending me any more ROMs.  If for some reason you'd actually like to play these creepy games for yourselves, feel free to email me and I'll send them.  As for me, I'm going to go play that tennis game some more.

- Danimal