As most of you probably don't know because it was such an obscure and virtually unmentioned event, two weeks ago the Space Shuttle Columbia exploded upon re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere.  While many hypotheses as to why this happened are floating about, so far the best working theory scientists and researchers have been able to come up with is that "the crew just plain fucked up."

But whatever the reason may be, this didn't stop the increasingly stupid public from racing out and trying their best to scamper about in a futile search for debris and/or remains of the crew.  Why?  People are idiots, what else?  In order to aid in their search, NASA and the good folks at Oberweis Dairy worked night and day in tireless shifts in order to release to the public totally indecipherable photographs of the areas in which debris would probably be found.  Here's an example which is actually real and not made up for a change:

This sent the general population on wild goose chases far and wide in order to be one of the precious few to actually find debris in mountains, stuck in treetops, or in their soup that night at dinner.  Almost instantly, seventy million people found what they thought was debris.

There's many reasons why going on a hunt for this wreckage is ill advised, but the top three are without a doubt:

1. It's going to be really, really hot
2. It's going to be radioactive
3. It's not going to be debris

"Look Maw, I found debris!"
No you didn't, Cletus, and put some pants on for PizzleWig's sake!

Yes, Americans prove once again how dumb they are by not only looking for this crap in some sort of bizarre, macabre ritual, but they claim anything and everything they find is debris.  Since the item you find will almost certainly have nothing to do with any space shuttle explosion, I thought I could help all you people by providing a guide of what is practically guaranteed to not be shuttle debris.

Non-debris item #1:  a Big Wheel
Big wheels are a toy tricycle made by a major corporation.  The odds of one coming from the burning hull of a space shuttle are slim to none.  This is especially true if your son is riding it around the front yard and you are holding the receipt in your hand from when you bought it ten minutes prior.

Non-debris item #2:  grilled pork chop
Though certainly tasty and nutritious, especially if it came out of the Sonny Liston grill (which words has it "gives fat the standing eight count"), a grilled pork chop has almost no chance of coming from the space shuttle.

Non-debris item #3:  a flaming person
I know what you're thinking, and no, by "flaming" I do not mean Tom Cruise.  I mean an actual flaming person, as in "on fire."  More likely than not this is either a Hollywood stuntman from the next high-octane thriller starring actor no one gives a shit about Vin Diesel, or one of those crazy suicide terrorists from over there in that crazy suicide terrorist filled area of the world.  Either way, just go about your business and you'll be fine.

Shuttle debris or ten pounds of marijuana?  Either way, you sure can't sell it on Ebay!

Non-debris item #4:  dinosaur bones
While the fossilized bones of dinosaurs may net you a pretty penny from some geek in a labcoat, it's in all likelihood not from the space shuttle.

Non-debris item #5:  a basketball
Even a basketball which has been cleverly doctored to feature the official NASA logo is almost positively not from the space shuttle.  I would like to point out that this is in reference to actual shuttle debris "sighting" in which a woman reported finding debris in her yard.  Upon hours of investigation it turned out that it was in fact just a playground ball with the word "NASA" scrawled on it with a black marker.

Non-debris item #6:  Phyllis Diller
Although everyone would certainly like to see her burnt to a crisp, if you see this "comedian" in your area, she's not shuttle debris.  She's probably actually just panhandling.

Debris or shredded truck tire?  The world may never know.

PizzleWig willing, this will help you sort out the true debris from the rather obvious fakes so that you can find the genuine article to add to your "Stuff I Have Because I'm a Great Big Freak" collection.  Good luck!

- Danimal