Once upon a time I wrote what is without a doubt the single most definitive
"top ten" list of all time, noting what is scientifically proven to be
the worst bands in history. And the hate
mail poured in. And poured in some more. And eventually, my
entire inbox consisted of either hate mail about that article or a message
from people telling me that I can earn a college degree for only $9.95
and a minor infringement on every known law. So I thought I'd appease
everybody by writing the undeniably greatest list of the best
bands of all time. Guess what? It didn't stop the hate
mail. While I normally just delete it and go about my merry way of
looking at hentai tentacle alien midget porn, a recent email from one "Mofo
t dasdx" had me intrigued. And of course, by "intrigued" I mean
"rolling my eyes from the same old boring crap." While I will spare
you from reading what amounted to pages upon pages of nothing, I will summarize
by saying that he apparently disagreed with both lists, citing specifically
that the Bee Gees sound like gay men while Nirvana is the greatest collection
of genius to ever grace the planet. He closed with "I hope I didn't
embarrass you too much." To be honest, that was the only sentence
I even read, so I thought I'd write back.
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Yes, it is always embarrassing to receive an email from a total stranger.
I'm glad to see that my opinion matters that much to you. I could hook you
up with a couple of homeless winos who spout nonsensical drivvel all day long,
perhaps you could think they are creative geniuses as well.
Keep hanging on my every word!
Evidently Mr. Dasdx didn't like this, as his reply was a bit more concise.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
lol, ha ha ha!
piss off,
peter hayes
Well I certainly had no intention of pissing off any time soon, but I thought
a return email would definitely be in order.
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Hey that was much shorter. I actually read it this time!
Thanks!
There was another email from him and another from me, both of which I inadvertently
deleted because this new fangled computer technology is still beyond me.
The gist of it was that the Bee Gees suck, to which I replied that they're
great because they've sold a lot of records, which must mean they're talented
by his own logic. Or something like that, my memory's a bit fuzzy
at times thanks to the heavy drinking and sticking Q-Tips into my ear canal,
which apparently can cause damage.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
whoa dude chill there homie. logic? hmmm i don't use logic sorry. and
no dude i never said that every band that sells a record is good. heck
most aren't: limp bizkit, bee gees, linkin park, rolling stones, guns n'
roses i mean dude most bands that sell records do stink. such is life.
welcome to the real world.
well anyway your mother is here so i have to go now,
peter hayes
Ouch, what a burn at the end there! Anyone who has mastered the "your
mother" style of insulting is clearly on a higher level! I should
have just stopped now since I was obviously up against a highly sophisticated
opponent but the voices in my head which command me to do evil things like
watch
Frazier prompted me to write again.
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
There's no need to tell me that you don't use logic, I believe you have
beaten that point into the ground quite nicely.
I didn't figure old Mofo here would get the joke, and of course I was right
as always.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
well i do use a certain amount obviously. and my logic is leading me
to a very discouraging conclusion. 'danimal' hmmmm......you aren't by any
chance a drag queen are you? i mean the name carries a certian straight-as-a-winding-road
sexuality to it. no offense intended. i mean your mom is obviously striaght.....but
uh i worry about you. still the less said the better.....the bee gees still
suck.
word to your horrible mother,
peter hayes
Oooh, the rare "your mother" joke
and a "yer a fag" joke all in
one! What a master of the English language! I had to consult
several textbooks just to even understand this advanced level of writing
before I could even attempt a reply. This was the best I could come
up with...
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Are you still talking? I don't remember telling you that you could
do that.
I'm not even sure what that means, but I figured it would probably get
his tiny, insect-sized brain in a fit of rage. I was right again.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
i'll do what i want.....sadly the same goes for you. if you love God
please just leave me alone....pity us all and just shoot yourself.
i hate your mom,
peter hayes
Another "you mother" joke! Looks like we're dealing with
Johnny
One-Liner, or possibly
The Homophobe.
What's the best way to combat The Homophobe? Take notes...
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
I know not who this "God" is you speak of; however, I was thinking that
maybe later this weekend we could slather on some lipstick and go out for
a night on the town. You know, just a quick evening of doing each
other's hair and then out for some Bee Gees disco fun. We could rock
out to "How Deep is Your Love" while doing Lambada: the Dance No
One is Actually Doing. What do you say, chief? I mean, not
in a gay way or anything, just two guys dressing up like women and grabbing
each other's crotches. Good clean fun, you know?
I figured that'd having him shitting in his shorts, which from the look
of Mofo's intellect that's not an unusual occurrence. His next email
bordered on polite.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
nah man its ok. i mean i appreciate the offer but nah. it ain't my style.
i mean i'm not going to judge you because its your style or anything but
you know......oh well.sorry man. i know its a let down.
later,
peter hayes
Wow, so shaken he even forgot to add a mother joke. Most people would
have simply let it go with what is virtually an apology, but I will not
accept "virtually."
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Well how about just a couple of massages then? You know, you can
put on that French Maid costume, the blonde wig, and we could play "More
Than a Woman" by our mutually favorite band the Bee Gees. And I think
you know that we'll be playing more than just that song...
More than a woman,
You're more than a woman to me!
I believe by this point it's fair to say that young Mofo was breaking into
a cold sweat.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
you know i don't think that's something one dude should say to another....yeah
kinda creepy. and no i'd rather be dead than listen to the Bee Gee's.....so......
don't forget to saddle the horse, your mom is at my place, 80's metal sucks
balls,
word,
peter hayes
Whoop, he regained some of his senses with another mother joke, proving
he's not only intelligent but has lots of depth. Just my kind of
man! Or so he should
think anyway...
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Aw come on, I think we'll be feeling too much of the "Night Fever" to
really be paying any attention to what music is playing. If you'd
prefer we could both each do a pound of heroine and listen to some Pink
Floyd while possibly shimmying around the room in a tutu for two.
Now THAT sounds like a good time.
Any reference to the word "shimmying?" Instant comedy. Mofo
didn't seem to think so though.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
how about no........you crazy sick bastard.
word you mother is disgusting,
peter hayes
Har har, he's starting to crack. Then again, so am I after trying
to decipher what the sentence "word you mother is disgusting" means.
I think a good guess of what young Mofo must have looked like by this point
is this:
From: The
Danimal
To: Mofo t dasdx
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
I don't see anything wrong with a couple of guys slurping down a few
bottles of Thunderbird while disco dancing in geisha girl costumes.
We should really give it a shot. It could be fun for all concerned.
Poor Mofo. Is he really so stupid that he can't understand a joke?
Oh that's right, we already know he can't. The reply was priceless.
From: Mofo
t dasdx
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: top 10 worst bands
Look I am straight.....its just the way i am. my bad. how about i get
some shemales and send them over to your place so you can bang them and
get banged.....personally i think its gross. i know what people like you
get up to and i think its disgusting....
screw off,
peter hayes
Aw, he's straight? What a shame! There goes my weekend of fun
time plans right into the old shitbasket. If you listen very closely
though, you can almost hear the fear in him as he wrote that. In
any event, I figured that saying "my bad" is as good as an apology for
writing to me, The One Who is Usually Almost Never Completely Full of Shit,
and I think I'll let it go at this point. The score for those of
you playing along at home: Danimal - 80 TRILLION, Imbecile Fanboy
Losers - ZERO.
- Danimal
