Yeah, yeah, I know it's been a few weeks since I wrote any more of my fucking Divine Knowledge out for you, so deal with it you shitbellied asscrickets.  It's not like you fuckfaces ever listen to anything I ever say anyway.  You just write back and piss at me some more with your stupid shit.  "Oh, PizzleWig, I can't just scratch off my parents' face with a potato peeler," then why the fuck did you write me?  I've had it with all of you.  Lately I even got some emails from you dickhurdlers meant only for me.  For instance, some weasel named "Cowman" wrote this piece of dicksnot:

SHIT FACE BASTARD

Then a few hours later he must have realized what a cockscrew he was and added this:

YOUR WEB SITE SUCKS DUDE AND MAM

What the fuck is going on there?  Obviously that prickmagnet is talking about those worthless pukes Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent, but why send that shit to me?  Hey, tell me something I don't know, cockmuffin.  At least some schmucksucker named "Tim B" was on the right track:

Dear Pizzlewig, my name is Tim, and I was wondering why no one sends you nudie pictures?  Since you are an almighty being to whom we should all bow down to, shouldn't you be getting some fuckin' porn by now?

Damn tootin', Tim!  This sparky assed little fruitpickler even included a fucking picture for a change:

Good boy, Timmy.  Now next time send me directions to your liquor cabinet and/or your girlfriend's house.  With that, let's check out your usual bunch of stupid goatshit.

Pat and Pat Barnhorn of Topeka, KS write:
What's new, pussycat?

We are totally in love and love to walk around starry eyed and call each other cute names.  The trouble is, all of our friends have stopped talking to us and now send us death threats with rotted cat heads enclosed.  Are they just jealous?

Righteous Ron:  My friends, there is no need for friends on this Earth except for the Holy Bible and a warm cup of hot chocolate.  It's not for your friends to judge you so you should not care about what they say, only what Happy Jesus Love Lord says.  Wait, you're not fornicating are you?  In that case you will spend eternity tormenting in the Meat Grinder of Gloom.

PizzleWig:  Don't look now, but I think your husband found the buttplug, judging by that smile on his face.  Nobody likes a couple of sappy simps who constantly talk baby talk to each other like some kind of pissvirus.  Get some booze and try swinging with another couple.  It'll probably break you up, or at the very least give you some kind of deadly disease.  Either way, give me some booze first.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  A rotting cat's head is the sign of ultimate power!  Relish this gift and use it at your next encounter with armed warriors.  It should be noted that it will not work against The Assassin.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  One of you may be a Capricorn, is that right?  How about a Leo?

"Tim Revenge" writes:
Yo,

I hate school and everyone at school...what can i do to cope with the faggots?  Should I quit school and become one of God Deciples?

Righteous Ron:  My son, I couldn't be more pleased with the way you have come to the realization that school is the mind controlling tool of Evil Incarnate Satan and that the homosexuals can only lead you down the path of sure doom and destruction.  You should definitely quit school and immediately apply at your nearest God Recruitment Camp for the highly esteemed position of Love Giver and Pain Master.

PizzleWig:  I'm surprised that being surrounded by faggots would be a problem for a truckguzzler like you.  Also, don't ever mention that know-nothing hack "God" in front of me again, holemangler.  He's been hogging my Infinite Spotlight for far too long and I'm a bit sick of his sorry ass to be honest.  Why don't you make a nice martini only use gasoline and turpentine, you sick spunkdunker.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  With a big decision looming ahead, it is unfortunate that you are about to spontaneously combust.

Daphne Stuggmeyer writes:
Hi,

I'm 18 years old ... and a fairly shy and quite person. However, I have and after-hours job as a Dom on the weekends to make extra cash. The money is great and I love my job ... but I'm always so terrified I'll see someone I know. If this encounter should happen ... what do you think I should say or do?

Righteous Ron:  I don't have any idea what a "Dom" is, but in the case of all women on Earth, I sincerely hope it is short for "Domestic Housewife."  Love God Joy Happy made women to serve only that function, so please don't disappoint Him by thinking or feeling for yourself.  Instead, how about getting married and stifling all of your own individuality?  That would please God and would probably spare you from the Torment Tornado.

PizzleWig:  What's up with that picture?  It's kind of hard to tell if you're hot or not, you skanky little cribturret.  I guess the only way I can judge for myself is for you to give me your address so I can come and watch you in action.  If you're any good I'd say go ahead and keep the job and tell anyone who recognizes you to shove their head up their cornvalley.  If you suck I'll fry you with a few million volts of Holy Lightning.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Being spotted while performing various acts of carnage can indeed pose a problem for even the most cunning of ninja.  Fortunately, as Eks is armed with an arsenal of death dealing weaponry at all times, this is not much of a concern for me.  In your case, The Assassin would suggest simply swallowing cyanide on the spot before any information can be extracted from you.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  A loved one is calling you from beyond the grave.  He is saying "see you soon, like in three days or so!"

Brenda X. of Joplin, MO writes:
Hey guys (and gals),

I'm trying to get into a club here in high school.  It's kind of like a sorority in college.  There are many steps involved in joining, and one of them is to go into a store and shoplift.  I've never committed any crimes before, but I really want to join.  What should I do?

Righteous Ron:  Pay attention.  Jesus "Good Times" Christ didn't spend His time on the cross spilling his Blood of Fun for nothing.  He did it to help you absolve your sins.  Now you want to sin anyway?  You need to seriously re-evaluate your life and begin praying immediately or his Dad, God Cleaver, will make you spill your Blood of Excruciating Agony.

PizzleWig:  Holy Me, you're fucking hot, you spicy little titsmacker you!  Look at that little floppy hat.  It's making parts of me not so floppy, if you catch my drift.  It's good that you want to join a sorority, those bitches all get drunk and screw around, the two surest ways to get into My Good Graces.  Here's what you should do:  shoplift at a liquor store and get me some strong vodka.  Then, believe in me.  I want you to believe in me.  Once I appear, I'll take it from there.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  An exciting new avenue is about to open up for you.  As you step onto it, a bus will run you over.

Well shit on my piss then, it's time to call it a day.  I need to figure out a way to get that Brenda chick's head onto the picture of those chicks kissing.  That'll fuel some exciting dreams until the little crotchyodeler gives Me a call later for some of PizzleWig's Patented Love Sauce.  By all means, keep sending me the same old boring shit so I can have still more reasons to get down my Divine Ninety Percent Grain Alcohol Mixture every day.  At least I know there's one of you fuckgrubbers out there who listens to me.  The rest of you can fuck off.

- PizzleWig