Man alive are people stupid. Granted, this is in no way a revelation
by any stretch of the imagination, especially not coming from me.
Nevertheless, it's almost as if there's a contest out there to see who
can be the world's dumbest human being or something. I think we've
got ourselves a couple of finalists.
Last year I did a temporary fake site
about a glam rock band for April Fool's Day. It was up for two
days I didn't receive a single email from anybody about it. This
doesn't come as much of a surprise since it is common knowledge that no
one reads this site, and if it suddenly changed to something different
it would only cause much celebration, even if that "something different"
were a Neo Nazi KKK Black Panther recipe message board. However,
for some reason I cannot possibly think to explain, just a month or two
ago I received not one but two emails about it on the same day. The
first went a little something like this...
From: StephanieAnn04@aol.com
To: ILoveSexyNothingSacredKickAssHotGuys@nothing-sacred.net
Subject: (no subject)
you suck... wtf is your problem? Glam rock went out a loooong
ass time ago... and by the way... who the FUCK takes experimental pills
you find behind a dumpster
-*-*-*-*-
Steph
-*-*-*-*-
I personally would like to know just how she knows that our Nothing Sacred
band sucks without ever hearing us! Usually people at least wait
to hear us play for four seconds before deciding that we suck.
From: Nothing
Sacred Hot Band of Love
To: StephanieAnn04@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Hey Steph, Rock on!
Thanks for writing to the hottest band on the planet to tell us that
we are super sex-ay! We agree of course that our music is the hottest
fucking shit that kicks fuckin' ass!
The pills we find help us to write some of that hot shit that makes
the ladies wet and want more! It rocks the fuckin' rock!
Thanks for writing, let us know if you'd like an autographed picture
and how many copies you want of our super hot new CD of lust!
Danni
Sadly I never heard back from Stephanie, I was hoping we could trade a
few makeup tips to help the band look much more sex-ay for the hot ladies
who love us.
The next mail was also filled with a slight bit of anger, and possibly
even jealousy.
From: Nothing00Sacred
To: ILoveSexyNothingSacredKickAssHotGuys@nothing-sacred.net
Subject: HEY
U STOLE MY NAME THIS IS BULLSHIT MY BAND Nothing Sacred is from columbus
ohio we will soon be playing shows and there is not a damn ting u can do
about it fake ass glam rockin WOMEN!
=====
"In the Mansion World I might like to know you"
-Deadsy-
Wait, woah, ho, woah, hey, ho, woah. There really
is a Nothing
Sacred band? From Ohio no less? While this is pure speculation
on my part, my guess is that they look a little something like this as
well:
This was much too good to pass up, so I decided to write back.
From: Nothing
Sacred Hot Band of Love
To: Nothing00Sacred
Subject: Re: HEY
Thanks for writing to the super hot sexy band of hot rocking fuckin'
ass kickin' rock fuckers! We appreciate your comments about how we
are super hot and rockin' and hot rockin'! We have gone through several
legal battles to attain this name and it was the court's decision.
We're sorry to hear that this hinders your band, but let's face it, they
don't rock with ass kickin' fuckin' rock like we do!
How many copies of CD would you like? I will put you down for
ten unless I hear you want more.
Danni
I figured for sure that would send "Deadsy" into quite a few conniptions.
I guessed correctly.
From: Nothing00Sacred
To: Nothing
Sacred Hot Band of Love
Subject: Re: HEY
u are fake u are as fake as it gets u will never be real as us
we will rok the al rosa and newport and the nationwide arena one day and
laugh at u!
You can call us women, you can call us out of style, you can tell us we
suck. But
no one tells us that we're fake! The
total lack of any sort of grammatical construct in that email lead me to
believe that Deadsy was getting a bit perturbed. I figured it only
my civic duty to write back and egg him on a bit.
From: Nothing
Sacred Hot Band of Love
To: Nothing00Sacred
Subject: Re: HEY
Thanks for writing again! Three more letters to our fuckin' rockin'
ass fan club and you get a free autographed picture for only $14.99!
That fuckin' rocks ass fuck!
How many CDs did you say you wanted again? Sorry, with all the
rockin' and hot women and chicks and ladies around we tend to forget these
things because we're too busy kickin' fuckin' ass!
Danni
A free picture for $14.99? Where do I sign up for that? Unfortunately,
Deadsy didn't write back for several days so I thought it might be wise
to write him again to make sure everything was OK.
From: Nothing
Sacred Hot Band of Love
To: Nothing00Sacred
Subject: Re: HEY
Hey dude, keep rockin' the shit ass kickin' rock fuckin' hot rock!
As the president of our fan club, we thought you'd like to know of a few
upcoming shows next month. We will be playing at the Al Rosa and
Newport and the Nationwide Arena. We plan to kick ass and rock that
shit with hot rock! It'll kick some major ass!
If you'd like, we can hook you up with a backstage pass so you can see
all the sex-ay ladies who swab us down in the showers afterwards.
Just don't touch dude, or it's time to kick some rockin' ass!
Your CDs are signed and ready to be shipped, we just need your payment
of $139.76 and they'll be on their way.
Rock ass!
Danni
Still no reply. This can only mean one of two things: 1) Deadsy
became so enraged that his head exploded, or B) his band really did become
famous and are currently rocking the Nationwide Arena and laughing at us.
I think I'll choose option one this time around. As always, it's
no loss. Rock on!
- Danimal
