OK, kiddies, it's story time.  Once upon a time, I watched a really, really terrible series called Neon Genesis Evangelion.  And it was horrible.  So outraged was I that I wrote a scathing but harshly true criticism of it.  Fans of the show from all over the world united to send me emails, all of which went something like this:

From:  shinjireiasuka4ever@aol.com
Subject:  POOPFACE!

i was surfing for rei ayunami porn so i could jerk myself silly when i came across your review of eva.  it is clear that you are a stupid jerkhead who doesn't get it because you like gundam wing.  everything is explained as long as you make it up and write fanfics about it, jerky!  you should watch the movie, it tells everything you need to know since your a dummy nose!

eva fanboy loser #1,452,754 to write you this same crap

The movie begins with a completely unnecessary commando raid on NERV headquarters.  All kinds of dudes are running around with guns, bazookas, flame throwers, and old cans of Turtle Wax killing everyone in sight in the most gruesome possible way.  Why are they attacking?  Shame on you, you should know by now that trivial and unimportant things like that are never explained in this show.

Asuka Langley Soryu, who was critically injured in the series after doing absolutely nothing but grating on everyone's nerves is suddenly sprung back to the land of the living when she realizes that she's a total whack job who hears her mother's voice even though she's been dead for ten years.  She awakens and fires up her trusty Eva Unit 02 and leaps into action, kicking the major shit out of all of the remaining Eva units.  These were briefly mentioned in the series but now suddenly they're evil and all look like whales wearing lipstick.  This is a great scene because it's the first time Asuka doesn't annoy me to the point of convulsions.  After ripping all nine enemy Evas to shreds...

They all come back to life somehow!  They also all turn into big seagulls and decide they need a snack.  Their choice?  Asuka.  They eat her and her Eva alive for reasons no one bothered to tell us.  With her dead, Misato tracks down everyone's least favorite "hero" Shinji Ikari who's still moping around like a sorry sack of camel shit.  She gets him to his Eva Unit 01, but at the cost of her own life.

Check that out!  As she gets blown up, you can pretty clearly see her upper and lower body flying off in different directions!  Just one more example of this crapball being grotesque for no good reason.  In any event, Shinji goes out and cries and moans some more in order to fortify his position as a completely unlikeable wimp.  In the meantime, his father Gendo starts putting the moves on Rei.  She backs off, calling him a "dirty old pervert" and joins up with her old pal Lilith, who I believe was from Cheers.  At this point, all fucking hell breaks loose.

Rei becomes a supersized, ghostly, creepy, glowing, and of course naked monster.  Shinji takes one look and screams like a sissy.  But then her face changes to a different one...

It turns into Koaru!  And man, you want disturbing?  Check out that smile on Shinji.  Even more disturbing is the dream sequence that follows...

Yikes!  But moving along, at this point, no one anywhere could possibly follow the story since all kinds of crazy shit keeps going on.  But to summarize the few scenes that anyone with any shred of sanity and about seventeen beers in him could understand...

A whole bunch of little Reis go around touching everyone.  As soon as they do, they go splat into a big puddle of butterscotch pudding.  No one ever tells us what is happening, naturally.

Shinji finally does something that the audience likes, he chokes Asuka for being a total bitch.  At that exact moment, "The World's Most Inappropriate Song" begins playing.  Carnage aplenty everywhere, and a nice, bouncy, happy melody accompanies it (it actually sounds hauntingly similar to the "na na na" part of "Hey Jude," just one more strike against the film).

That one chick on the NERV programming staff turns out to be a bull dyke!  She and Ritsuko go out for tatoos and flannel shirts!

A really, really well animated sequence of people walking on a street for no apparent reason.  This has to be the most lifelike scene I've ever seen in a cartoon.

Shinji wakes up after all kinds of wacky shit that makes no sense and he's on a beach with Asuka.  He starts trying to choke her again, then starts crying like the nancy boy fruitcake that he is.  She says "grow a pair, fagboy!" and then the movie ends.  Seriously, it just ends like that.  What shit.  I tell you, after suffering through the series and this lame excuse for a movie I just can't understand why all these little fanboy runts love this shit so much...

Oh yeah, that's right!  It's because it's loaded to the gills with naked cartoon chicks for pimply faced little weasels to spank their puny little monkeys.  And I'm sure they're all pissing themselves with delight to know that this version does contain the highly debated "Shinji beats the bishop over Asuka's naked, comatose body scene."  It all makes sense now.

But really, it doesn't make sense.  The movie sucks.  However, did it really explain more than the series?  Just for fun I thought I'd revisit the old review and see if this is true...

The Angels Attack the Earth - Explained!  The Angels, as it turns out, are just big ugly offshoots of humans, much like Julia Roberts.  They are attacking the Earth because they don't want to live with us humans so they are trying to merge with Adam to wipe out our form of humans and start over with them as the primary race.
First, Second, and Third Impact - Explained!  First Impact occurred when Lilith arrived on Earth and was defeated by the Lance of Longinus (an item explained in neither the show nor movie, but in the commentary track of the DVD).  Second Impact was when Adam arrived to join Lilith but was shrunken down into an embryonic state.  Third Impact would happen whenever any of the angels merge with Adam or Lilith.
Who the Hell is SEELE? - Not Explained!  We still don't know who these people are, how they came into power, or why they know so much about all this bizarre crap such as how to construct Eva Units and shrink angels into embryonic states.
Shinji's Bond with His Eva Unit - Explained!  Eva Unit 01 is occupied by the soul of his mother, that is how it can think and act on its own several times.  This directly contradicts the many scenes in the series which imply that Rei actually possesses Shinji's mother's soul, but I guess we'll let those slide.
Rei's Cloudy Origin - Explained (sort of)!  Rei was a clone, created from Lilith and Yui, Gendo's wife and Shinji's mother.  She is able to be killed resurrected because she is just an empty shell.  Pop in a new soul and she's as good as new again.  They never tell us where they get the souls to fill her though (and the series made it seem that it was Yui herself).  Word has it that they get their soul from the same place everyone else does: James Brown.
Is Asuka Alright? - Explained!  Asuka gets wounded and we never find out if she recovers.  She does recover and then is promptly massacred.  Gotta a love a happy ending!
Are Toji and His Sister Alright? - Not Explained (sort of)!  Toji and his sister get critically injured in the series and then they're never mentioned again.  Though we never find out if they survived or not directly, since everyone is killed in the movie, we know they end up dead one way or another.
Misato Shot Dead? - Explained!  Misato gets shot escorting Shinji to his Eva Unit 01.
Ritsuko Shot Dead? - Explained!  Ritsuko gets murdered by Gendo when she tries to use the MAGI to blow up NERV headquarters.  Interestingly, just before being shot, Gendo says "To tell you the truth..." and then the audio cuts out.  This is intentional, as if the asshole crack addict who made this were trying to be a jagoff and put in things that were never explained.  Remind me to kill that fucknut ASAP.
Did Gendo Kill His Wife? - Not Explained!  Though we find out that Yui ends up merged into Eva Unit 01, we never find out if this was intentional or not, or how Gendo was able to clone her into Rei, or how he knew how to clone angels to make Evas, or really how he knew any of the super technologically advanced things he seemed to know.
NERV Computer Programmers Dead? - Explained!  Yep, we see all three of them bite it.
The Mysterious Capsule Kaji Slips Misato - Not Explained!  While I would presume that it apparently contained all the information on the First, Second, and Third Impacts, since Misato seems to suddenly know an awful lot about the subject, this is never actually mentioned in any way.
Who Shot Kaji? - Not Explained!  But really, who cares?  Let's just be glad he's dead.
Is Rei an Angel? - Explained!  She's part Angel, made from Lilith.
Are Shinji and Koaru Big Time Faggy Homos? - You Betcha!  Actually, this is never in any way addressed, but it's pretty clear that they are.
Everyone Dead and in Some Sort of Heaven - Most Definitely Not Explained!  The ending of the series is completely different and in direct conflict with the ending of the movie.  At the end of the series, Shinji comes to terms with himself and actually becomes a normal person.  At this point, he ends up in some sort of heaven-type place with his family and friends.  In the movie, he ends up alone in a wasteland with that bitch Asuka.  It is implied that he will live on Earth alone forever in order to prove mankind's existence or some such crap.

My advice remains the same as in the original review:  pass on this turkey.

- Danimal