Well, with the new year approaching, I thought it might be fun to do a sort of "best of 2002" in an attempt to do something totally original and fresh.  What's that?  We're well into the new year?  And what's that?  Everyone and they're retarded, lesbian aunt has done a "best of 2002" list?  Well fuck off every last one of you, I'm going to do a list anyway.  And since we all know that absolutely nothing good ever happens in any year, I think we'll be doing a slightly different list.  With that in mind, let me present...

#9 - Anything to do with Jennifer Lopez
Unless it's a montage of her Scrum-Diddly-Umptios butt, I don't give two shits about this no-talent assbrain, and I'm sick to death of hearing about her every time I turn on the TV, pick up my latest issue of The Star (my source for news), or flip on the radio to get my latest fix of crappy, insipid nonsense.  I don't care who she's dating, what movie she's in, what she wore to the most recent awards show that no one watched, or her latest vapid song about how rich and perfect her life is.  I'm sick of looking at her ugly mug and listening to her screechy, shrill voice.

#8 - Def Leppard releases a new album
Def Leppard needs to get together and collectively take a swim in an acid tank.  They haven't been good since about 1984 or so, and with each new album they get progressively worse.  This album was heralded as going back to the "High 'n' Dry" sound.  I suppose it is, as long as the only song on "High 'n' Dry" is "Bringin' on the Heartbreak."  Another collection of meaningless, boring, bland ballads designed to do nothing but cash in on the fact that every woman on the planet loves to listen to inane tripe.  Seriously guys, retire.

#7 - Arabistan still exists
When the fuck are we finally going to fire off some neutron bombs and wipe this infestation off the face of the Earth?  The whole year was spent hemming and hawing over what we should do, and whether or not we should attack, and maybe we should reinstate the draft, and blow the shit to kingdom fucking come already!  Not a single person there is worth their weight in goose piss (as evidenced by the children in the picture holding assault rifles), so just off them already.

#6 - The horrific, tragic, mortifying scandal at the Winter Olympic Games whose senseless nature rocked a nation... ah, who am I kidding, no one on Earth gives a donkey's nutsack about the Olympics

#5 - Lance Asspirate becomes an astronaut
It's bad enough that we have to hear this fruitcake in his group, Homo Central Fag Patrol, but then I have to hear about him on every news station because he's going to fly to the stars!  It's an adventure like the Goonies!  I'm sure that was wonderful news for the men who actually train and work to be given the privilege to fly into space that some guy can do it just because he's a celebrity and has money.

#4 - The Enron fiasco
Not really so much the scandal itself, because quite frankly I don't know or care what the shit happened over in that company.  It's really just more the fact that it was all over the news as if the whole country is glued to their seats waiting to find out the next totally complicated and unintelligible thing to be unearthed.  What's that?  They filed a 398-02 form for injunctive relief from the insider trading payroll override mutual fund profit sharing stock fraud?  What the fuck does that mean?  I'll tell you what it means:  nothing.  Good riddance to all of them, I say.  And to the people who lost jobs and money, tough rocks, fuckballs.  Next time get a job at a company someone has heard of before.

#3 - Another victory for big, fat tubs of shit
Like it's not bad enough that everywhere I go I'm subjected to these mountains of lard, but it seems like if you're a flabby lump of dung you get everything handed to you because we're supposed to in some way feel sorry for you because you can't stop eating pork rinds dipped in whale blubber every nineteen seconds.  But anyway, fat slobs were given yet another helping hand in life when being a lumpy turd was ruled an illness.  That's right, now being disgustingly huge is no longer your fault!  Hooray!  One more step in our ever increasing credo that no one should ever be held accountable for their own actions.  Congratulations, now go eat some more potato chips you hideous oaf.

#2 - Dave "Wendy's" Thomas, Lisa "Milton Berle" Lopes, and Abba "The Dancing Queen" Eban all died this year
Bob Dylan and Adam Sandler... still alive and kicking.

And the number one Horseshittinest thing of 2002...

#1 - I had to fucking work on New Year's Day
This meant that I got to stay all the way up to a cooooool 9pm.  Woo-fucking-hoo.  Ah well, I still got to drink heavily and pass out, stupefied, in a pool of my own filth.  This of course is what I do every day, but it seemed extra special since it was a holiday.  Plus, that's a pretty cute dog in that picture, so that helps a little.

- Danimal