Ghost Dog: Way of the Samurai was one of those movies I picked up because I figured it would be so laughable that it would be well worth the money.   I do not admit that I'm wrong often, but today you will hear me say it:  I was mistaken.  This movie was poor from the beginning to the end.  "Oh, Jeff," you say, "a bad movie review on the internet, how original."  First of all, shut up.  The back button on your browser works just as well as mine does.  Second, this is not just a movie review; it's a warning to you, your friends, and maybe to Forrest Whitaker who should impale the person who convinced him to play the part of this Urban Samurai.  DO NOT see this movie, do not buy it, do not rent it, if you go to someone's house and they have it on their TV, kick them in the throat, you will be doing them a favor.

First of all, let's start with the characters:

Best known for his portrayal of Agent Rawlins in the movie Bloodsport, Forrest Whitaker trades in his box haircut for cornrows as the title character.  As a hitman for the worst mafia in Industrial City (not to mention in the entire history of film), Ghost Dog remains true to samurai teachings such as:

Ghost dog's teachings allow him to be a great hitman; unfortunately all we see him kill are old men who are probably unable to reach for a gun without crapping their pants.

Who would think that the villains in this movie are the comic relief?  Aside from the fact that there are only 7 members in this mob, every one of them is over the age of 60.  The mob boss does break out in a Flava Flav free style.  (Yeaahh Boy!)  One other thing should be noted about these guys, they all have a penchant for watching cartoons in a near zombie like state.  I cannot explain why, but the looks on their faces was probably the thing that disturbed me the most in this movie.

The Haitian Guy--but since he speaks French through the entire movie I will refer to him as "Frenchie"--was supposed to be the comic relief.  It turns out nothing funny ever really happened around him, just more annoyance. Frenchie drives the ice cream truck that supplies Ghost Dog with the Ninjitsu Strawberry ice cream that he needs to fulfill his samurai training.  As stated before, he speaks only French, but none of the other characters do, so he usually just rambles on how ice cream is good for you.  What else is he going to say?  Everyone just nods his head politely and accepts their free ice cream.

I really didn't bother learning her name either; she just bothers Ghost Dog while in the park meditating over the ice cream.  I guess she was supposed to be an important part of the story, but she was only in 3 or 4 scenes.

No one quite knows who she is, or how she got involved in the story at all, but she is what sets all this into motion.  She appears to be sleeping with the mob boss.  In her screen time she talks about a book her father bought for her, and watches Ghost Dog kill people with the same expression a deer has right before a car smashes into it.

That's enough of the characters, because those are they only characters in the movie.  Time to discuss the plot, the reason Ghost Dog works for the lame mob is because he was getting his ass kicked a few years ago and one of the lame mob guys shot the kids attacking him.  A couple of years later, the boy changed his name to Ghost Dog and offered his services to his "retainer" the man who shot the kids.  Now the only thing is... the only way the mob can contact him is by carrier pigeon, and who wants to mess with that?   Pigeons aside, Ghost is a very good hitman, he never misses a target and he is always professional.  On the first mission in the movie he is sent to kill some guys who work for the mob and have the Mildly Retarded Girl in their house.  Ghost kills them but leaves her, but the mob changed their mind and decided they couldn't kill their own men.

This is where it is supposed to get complicated because they double cross and put a contract on Ghost Dog.  In any other action movie it would cut to people kicking down doors, or maybe Forrest Whitaker running away from bullets, sadly this does not happen.  What instead happens is they send off a couple of guys who could double date with the Golden Girls to go find this master hitman.  Insert some unfunny scenes with them chasing pigeons while the Urban Samurai enjoys the rigor of sitting in the park telling the inquisitive girl to go read books.  Also in the park are some rappers who do freestyles about Ghost Dog, which kind of bothered me.  If you are supposed to be incognito, why tell the entire neighborhood who you are and what you do to the point where you can't even go to the park and relax without people writing songs about you?  You don't see people writing songs about Nothing-Sacred writers do you?

(Ok well seriously lack of sleep is the only thing I can blame for that, I spent 5 minutes to figure out how to put Pizzlewig in a rhyme.  I think I made DJ Hot Money cry.  Back to the review.)

Eventually Ghost Dog realizes that the mob is trying to kill him, the fact that they slaughtered his pigeons and trashed is rooftop apartment gave it away.  Now its time for action!  Ghost Dog gets his big ass rifle (its never said in the movie, but I would bet that he would have called it his katana) and does what Ghost Dog does best, he steals a car and listens to some Wu-Tang for about 5 minutes of screen time.  Wu-Tang is played at almost every opportunity probably because RZA, an original founder of the Wu-Tang clan produced the music for the movie.  Besides it being a shameless plug, it is also distracting to have to listen to an entire track while the camera zooms in on Forrest's lazy eye.

In the final confrontation between Ghost Dog and his former employers, he manages to kill more elderly men in 5 minutes than osteoporosis would kill in a month.  He then kills a couple of rednecks, and that was the only part of the movie that made sense. He follows the massacre by 15 minutes of filler, which is basically him driving some more, talking to Frenchie, talking to the little girl, and then getting shot by the remaining mobster who saved his life years before.  Sorry if I spoiled the movie for you, but the hero does die.  Not in some cool "Ultimate Sacrifice" death, but a "Hey, why are you shooting me" death.

All in all, the movie was pretty bad.  I would suggest it for a rental, but honestly I wouldn't wish that on my enemies, much less loyal Nothing-Sacred readers.  However, if you have ever woken up one morning and thought "A movie about a ghetto-ninja starring Forrest Whitaker would be great" I can't recommend anything besides heavy doses of lithium.  If you need further proof on why this movie is toxic to the mind, allow me to present my final bit of evidence.

- Jeff