So once again I must half-heartedly thank Matt Shelby.  A thanks is in order because he did send me a new Nintendo ROM to review, but at the same time, I need to enlist the services of Eks to hunt him down and incinerate him into a pile of smoldering ashes for sending me an even worse game than his last submission, Wall Street Kid.  How could it get any worse than that pile of swill, you ask?  Well I've got all too terrifying an answer...

Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom, winner of Official Worst Gameplay as Well as Grammar on the Title Screen award could quite possibly be the single stupidest game ever made in the history of gaming.  And keep in mind that I've played Cribbage, the game with absolutely no point whatsoever.

This was another of Nintendo's last ditch efforts to lure people away from the more powerful systems, and with crap like this as their product, it's no wonder they dropped faster than Tom Cruise to his knees when George Clooney's in the room.  It's a role playing game.  Now, before we go any further, let's get one thing unequivocally clear:  all role playing games suck.  But this goes beyond mere "suck," as it's one of those games where you have to use a sparse set of commands to control your every move.  Use this, talk to that, move there, take that, etc..  There should be a "fuck this shit" command whereby the game cartridge immediately bursts into flame because you can't even take another microsecond of this nonsense.  But just to humor good old Matt, let's delve into the intricately complex plot.

God speed?  God speed in throwing this crap into the furnace maybe.  But I thought I'd give it a shot.  The first thing I did was move forward and already knew I was in trouble.

Some sniveling little shit baby is in my path!  And already he's pissing and moaning about wanting water or some such nonsense.  So I went straight over to the "hit" command, as all people should do when confronted with a baby.

Well no fucking shit, Sherlock.  OK, so I can't hit the little bastard, I guess I might as well move on, since I certainly have no water to give him, unless of course the game is going to let me piss on him.

So I get to Lake Quench and try to take the stinking water.  But one of the choices is to take the big tree.  When I try, it tells me it's impossible.  OK, then why the fuck give me the option?!  This game sucks.

I gave the little puke his suckass water and right away he's yapping at me about saving his loser friends in the stinking melon patch.  What the shit do I care about them?  Then again, since there's nowhere else to go at this point but the melon patch, I guess I might as well save the worthless bums.

I got to the melon patch and there was a big fence and a big bush (NOTE:  please insert your own "big bush" joke here).  In the bush was a head of lettuce that's somehow supposed to be a prince.  How the hell is anyone going to rule when they're buried in the ground?  Or how about when they're sliced up on a hamburger?  In any event, he was unconscious so I gave his sorry ass some water.  He woke up and droned on about ant farms or some such crap, so it was straight to the "hit" command.

Back into sweet, sweet catatonia.  Right about now, I envy this asshole lettuce prince prick.

After I got past the prince of salads I stumbled across these guys.  I couldn't tell if they had all been tortured by lack of water or by listening to any given Dave Matthews song, which produces the exact same expressions pictured above.  I thought I'd fling some water on them, and they woke up.  One of them even gave me a pass to get by the guard.  I had no clue what they meant, so I punted them all down the field.

Whoop, there's the guard, maybe I shouldn't have kicked those guys.  Yeah, I should have.  The guard immediately took my pass, so thanks for nothing you fucking useless heads of cabbage.  I thought I'd try to hit the guard.

No good!  He's too much of a big, idiotic clod (much like Ben Affleck) to get hurt!  So then I brought out the big guns:  I started reading from Jewel's poetry book.

Works every time!

At this point I entered some city and had to go into a bunch of stores.  The first one I tried was a deli.  I checked out the store and the cashier.

Alright, a college student!  You know what that means!  Hello, slut!  I decided to cut right to the chase and tell her that, for a fruit, she had a pretty nice rack and I wouldn't mind nibbling on her "peach fuzz."

Who said anything about information?  Well shit on it then, it's time for the old "hit" command.

Ah screw you then.  Since there was clearly no fun anywhere in sight for this miserable game, I thought it might be fun to just go around town hitting all the people.

This bitch ran the coffee shop and no matter how much I pummeled her, she just kept asking for more.  At this point, the game mixed with the large, large quantity of whiskey I'd drunk made the old brain snap and I immediately went on a hunt for a saved version of this pile of goatpiss so I could just cut straight to the ending.  I was in luck.

I jumped right to the ugly mug of this buffoon.  I decided he looked like he needed to have a caterpillar thrown at him, since we all know that it's the surest way to defeat any known enemy, natural or otherwise.

And sure enough it worked!  Boy, check out those graphics, huh?  Hard to believe it's only 8 bits and 12 years old, isn't it?  It's also hard to believe they weren't done by a three month old one-eyed duck.

Well whoop-dee-damn doo.  The game's finally over.  Everyone lives happily ever after, except for maybe that prince who's still knocked out in a bush somewhere.  But fuck him, at least I got through this miserable mess the best way I know how:  by cheating.  Good PizzleWig, I don't think there's enough whiskey in the world to get me to play this straight through.

Hey, check out cucumber head there.  He's winking as if to say "This head's good for more than just thinking up ways to cheat my way to the end of the game, you know!"  The princess seems pretty pleased with the thought too.  In any event, with this strangely perverse scene, the game was over, and I immediately began drawing up my plans to skin Matt alive for sending me two awful games in a row.  Don't be surprised if you hear about him ending up dead in a field next to Prince Lettucenuts or whatever his name was.

- Danimal