It's been far, far too long since I fired up another article featuring
everyone's favorite sad sack, Dante C. Raspeller. Why? Because
none of these PizzleWigdamn companies write back to me anymore! I
think there's a black list out there with my name on it or something.
Well, sort of my name anyway. But all that changed one fateful day.
One fateful day two months ago.
Uh-oh, looks like Nutsy the Cat Burglar got himself into a heap of
trouble! That's our Nutsy!
I received an email from the nearly legendary PoliceAuctions.com,
a site known to nearly two people, effectively quadrupling the number
of people who read this site. According to this email, there's a
whole secret world of underground dealings and tradings where a person
could conceivably get a new car, new house, or an entire tropical island
for mere pennies. This sounded simply too good to pass up for the
average man, but as we all know, Dante's no average man
To: support@policeauctions.com
From: The
Danimal
Subject: Re: Bid On Seized Property
Hello my many friends and thank you once again!
I have received the email you kindly sent me about police auctions.
This is a wondrous achievement in science and nature!
My name is Dante and I'm a Gulf War veteran. In the wake of that
battle, I have been left in not a completely whole shape, which has caused
the unfortunate side effect of being repulsive to most people. So,
my ability to get steady work has suffered. But it sounds like you
have the answer to this.
Are there testimonials or anything of that nature to be found on your
site, perhaps in a "hidden" section which would require the knowledge of
a password or warp zone to enter? This would be great in making my
decision about paying for your services. Also, if I cancel my membership,
would a refund happen to come my way at all? I read through almost
three of your FAQs and didn't see any of these questions so I figured that
weren't all that frequent, ma'am!
Thank you for your time, and please write back so that I might begin
madly bidding on every item that I see with fury! Thank you.
Talk to you soon!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Incredibly polite and simply curious, yet it took nearly two months for
a reply. I had completely forgotten about them, which of course isn't
saying much since I routinely forget about things as they're occurring.
One could make the case that it's the heavy drinking, but I'd like to think
it's because I have so many ingenious ideas floating around in my head
(such as the "George Foreman Low Fat Baby Fryer") that there's no room
for trivial things like this. Their reply lacked the warmth of
my initial mail.
To: The
Danimal
From: PoliceAuctions.com
Support
Subject: Re: Bid On Seized Property
Hi. I would like to take a minute to explain what Police Auctions offers
its members. We list many on line auctions as well as auctions you can
attend in person. From police to secret service seized property auctions
we list them all for you as they become available. We keep all our information
current and up to date so you are not mislead and do not miss an auction
you have been waiting for. All of the Government Agencies are available
to unrestricted members and therefore we do not offer any trial period.
You can upgrade for as little as 7.95 per month. If you choose to place
bids with on line auctions that we list remember you must register with
each individual auction you are placing a bid with. Registering is free
but necessary for every Government and non Government auction site.
All auction sites have their own regulations for shipping items and is
the responsibility of the bidder to verify shipping prior to bidding. Thanks
and we look forward to serving your auction needs. And please let
me add that if you are not satisfied with what we offer or we do not meet
your auction needs, we will be happy to refund your charge.
Thank you
Tara Valentine
Police Auctions Support
Can you say "form letter?" All I could think while reading that tripe
was how much
Mr. Palabras would have
a field day with it. In any event, I thought I'd give old Tara a
chance to possibly write back within only six weeks or so.
To: PoliceAuctions.com
Support
From: The
Danimal
Subject: Re: Bid On Seized Property
Hello Tara Valentine, and thank you for your quick answer!
I am somewhat befuddled by the mentioning of upgrading for "as little
as $7.95." Would this lead me to believe that there is a higher cost
for different programs? Perhaps there is a secret lair where I can
pay a higher fee to find the really interesting secret stuff available
only to those who know the correct password? This would be a goldmine
of opportunity. Just think of the look on my neighbors' faces when
I show them my high priced new plot of real estate or flashy sports car
which they cannot get! I can bet that they won't laugh at me and
hurl vegetables at my head anymore! At least not spoiled ones anyway,
my friends!
Keeping track of the various auctions and shipping fees sounds very
confusing. Is there a help section which can guide even the novice
auctioner like myself, sirs? Thank would be very wonderful.
Also, if I were to order a house, how could they ship that? It seems
that I would get charged very high prices in shipping for an item of that
size and weight. Perhaps I should just move to wherever the house
is located. Why didn't I think of this sooner?
Are there any testimonials of users who have found mirth and fulfillment
by using this fantastic service? It would certainly help in making
up my mind about spending hard earned money that I normally must conserve
for insulin capsules.
Thank you very much for your time and patience with my many questions,
I hope I am not too bothersome!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Again a request for testimonials, and as always, no dice. In fact,
I never got any reply to this one even though I sent it no less than twelve
times. Perhaps in four years I'll get an email from them. But
no time to wait around, there's a new opportunity on the horizon.
Frank
Kern, internet champion and occasional lambada dancer wrote to me to
tell me that I could make heaps of money just by railroading people into
buying his products or attending his seminars! Well, not "his" exactly,
he's just a sort of middle man, making you a middle middle man. In
any event, I've gotten no less than 400 emails from Mr. Kern, or someone
using his name, and finally I thought it was time to write to him.
To: info@instantinternetempires.com
From: The
Danimal
Subject: Re: DANTE, this enough proof?
Hello Frank Kern, internet emperor!
Thank you very much for sending me the incredible information of a way
to make well over $50,000 per month, which right now roughly exceeds my
monthly income by about $50,000!
My name is Dante and I am a Gulf War veteran, though I suspect you know
this because of the email you sent me recently. I followed the exciting
link and filled out the form and within seconds a web page appeared which,
through the miracle of television, had my name on it! It was a joy
to see my name in lights, sir, I can guarantee you that!
In any event, due to the hideous scarring my tours of duty have given
me, finding gainful employment can seem like a task fit for someone who
still has all of their legs intact! And this is not me! But
your system seems to indicate that no face to face contact is needed to
make piles of money, just right for the frolicking. Is this correct?
Do you have any other testimonials or things of that nature which may
prove the effectiveness of this phenomenal system of money making fury?
Or perhaps a bit more information as to the cost, details, etc...
Any help you can provide would be great. Will this require the internet?
I am somewhat new to this frontier, but I will give it my best, ma'am!
Please respond, it is truly appreciated, thank you!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Notice how I cleverly disguised the subject of the email by changing "DAN"
to "DANTE." I am truly the master criminal!
To: The
Danimal
From: info@instantinternetempires.com
Subject: Re: DANTE, this enough proof?
Hi Dante,
THank you for the kind words, they are always appreciated...This might
help...
Here are the details on how much it will cost to completely setup Instant
Internet Empires websites: (in addition to the cost of the program, of
course) :) The only thing you will need to set up for yourself is web hosting
(the location where your free sites will be hosted)
Essentially, there are three ways you can set up to make money...
1. Be a reseller - If you want to get set up immediately, and be a reseller
for us, rather than building your own sites, here's where you do it. :)
In this case, we do all the work, and you don't need the extra expense
of hosting a site, and you keep 50% of the profits. :)
2. Set up your sites yourself - Download all your materials and modify
and host the sites yourself. You keep 100% of the profits. You are responsible
for getting your own domain name and web host.
3. Get Pagematic to set up your sites. - We've made a deal with Pagematic
and they set up, install and host your sites for you. In this case, you
market your sites and keep 100% of the profits. You have your own domain
name and web host.
OPTIONAL ADDONS...
After this stage, you will need to promote the websites, by submitting
your website to a search-engine indexing site (such as Overture), which
is a pay-per-click charge (please see their website for more information
and precise prices)
You can also create autoresponders to have a good follow-up for customer
inquiries and for getting new customers, by opening an account at hotresponders.com
(approx $19 per month for unlimited autoresponders) and you can also buy
software to make pop-up windows.
You can also advertise in eZines. This can range anywhere between free
- 100's of dollars, all depending on how you do it.
It's really all about choice. You can choose to do it your way, and
you'll have a lot of different options. :)
If you decide to order, simply go to our main site here... http://www.instantinternetempires.com
And scroll down towards the bottom where you see "Click here" links.
That will take you to the order page.
When you do order, please make sure you send me an email and we'll zip
you through to getting started quickly
Have a terrific day and best of luck in your future endeavors!
Instant Internet Empires Customer Support
Huh? Did even a single word of that make sense? I have to set
up a host and get a host and find a host or make a host with the host and
the domain for the host? If I can't understand it, it's a pretty
sure bet that Dante has no chance.
To: info@instantinternetempires.com
From: The
Danimal
Subject: Re: DANTE, this enough proof?
Thank you very much for the timely response!
I am glad that you have taken the time to write to me with this wealth
of information, though I fear that I may be more confused now than before!
My head is clouded with many different slang terms and shrapnel, I am not
sure which road to take, ma'am!
After reading through the web site you directed me to, I was floored
by these many money making endeavors. The man who sold the Brooklyn
Bridge seemed interesting, but wouldn't this imply dishonesty? I
do not believe that's for sale, my friends! Also, the Black Belt
karate course seemed like a great deal. If I sign up, can I get discounted
lessons? Learning the ancient art of self defense and injuring others
would prove most useful on my regular trips to the local gym where the
large bodybuilders continually torment me, but there is no time for this
now!
I like the options which allow for the 100% profit keeping, but do not
understand what is required of me. A web host sounds awfully complicated.
How does one host a web? I certainly hope I don't need to buy another
computer and try to configure it in any way, the last time this happened
I received multiple lacerations of the torso! This is never fun!
Also, please let me know of any testimonials which may help to sway
my conscience. Thank you for your time, I look forward to the answers
to my humble questions!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Pretty simple stuff. Incidentally, there really is a guy who is described
as "the man who sold the Brooklyn Bridge" on the site. Do you really
want to invest in a con artist? Is that in any way a good idea?
By the way, please send me three thousand dollars and I'll send you a brand
new car.
The response I got was totally mind boggling.
To: The
Danimal
From: info@instantinternetempires.com
Subject: Re: DANTE, this enough proof?
Hello Dante,
As a customer support representative, I receive a lot of email each
day. Yours struck a chord with me, however. See, I am quite familiar
with satire sites such as http://www.nothing-sacred.net/
and have enjoyed hours of entertaining reading on sites such as yours.
Now, I am looking forward to reading all about our site on yours, but
I do sincerely hope you will choose to be honest with your site readers
when you spoof our site. You know as well as I do that in order for you
to have received an email from us, you would have had to subscribe to our
mailing list. We don't spam anyone, and I'm certain you know this.
We have autoresponders you can freely subscribe to, and unsubscribe from,
anytime you like.
If, on the other hand I am mistaken, and you have received a spam message
from one of the resellers of Instant Internet Empires, I encourage you
to please forward me the email you received, with headers intact, so I
can follow up with the offender personally. We have a strict anti-spam
policy, and we will be following up with anyone who has used spam to market
their business.
Again, it's a pleasure to be on your target list. Thank you for writing
and I look forward to your response.
Instant Internet Empires Customer Support
Zoinks! The cat's out of the bag I guess! The reason this email
is so mind boggling is: A) I didn't know
anyone read this
site, and 2) "
hours of entertaining reading?" I'd be happy
if we even had a chance of making it to a full minute of entertaining reading.
In any event, I have decided to actually be fair (something which is making
me choke on my own bile as I type) and point out that in fact the email
did
not initially come from them but a professional SPAM company
who simply used their company's names and graphics to try and leech money
from them. Also, I did indeed forward the original email to this
person and he not only single handedly apprehended the bad guy through
the use of the golden lariat, but also he sold me the Brooklyn Bridge.
So Dante's becoming too well known? This can't be good for business!
Perhaps this is why no one writes back to me any more. But no matter,
you can rest assured that I'll keep on trying.
- Danimal
