What with the server being down last week and my continual need for midday naps which can stretch into the double digit hour range, I didn't do any updates last week.  However, I did spend extensive time researching Grape Nuts to discover that, as most people already suspected, they are little more than shards of limestone.

Another thing I did last week was see a super sneak peek of the masterpiece 8 Mile.  Of course, now that the is in theaters this review isn't much of a "sneak peek" but suck my ass because I'm doing the review anyway.  All I can say about this movie is that it is absolutely perfect.  An absolutely perfect pile of platypus shit.

The movie stars prepubescent midget Eminem, who is also well known for producing sounds not unlike Fran Drescher and marketing them as "music," as some jerk-off whose name I can't remember so we'll be calling him "Turdburglar" for the rest of this review.  Turdburglar has a lucrative job driving black people around in his stylin' and profilin' car--a sort of cabbie if you will.

But then one day, Michael MacKenzie of the Green Bay Packers steals his car, so Turdburglar is out of a job.  Much of the movie focuses on how Turdburglar isn't accepted by the black community.

This is demonstrated by having him surrounded by generic, stereotypical black guys who tell him he's not accepted and then beating him senseless.  These are the best sequences of the film.

Brittany Murphy also appears in the film as a really hot chick who recently stuck her finger in a light socket.  She is the love interest and spends most of the movie not showing off any kind of actual nudity, one more nail in the coffin of this movie.

Turdburglar, out of a job and desperate to become a spotlight-craving egomaniac, prays to Michelin, the Tire God.  His prayers are answered...

He gets a job at a steel mill!  The American dream personified.

Here's a behind the scenes shot of director Curtis Hanson, who stands 5' 4", coaching Eminem on how to act like a steel mill worker.  This is because at age 14, Eminem isn't old enough to hold an actual job.

Turdburglar also spends much of his time riding around on a train, which is how the movie got its name.  It's called "8 Mile" because the movie's so long and boring it's like walking eight miles in the desert wearing a blindfold.

Kim Basinger, whose name is pronounced "bay - singer" not "bass - injer" like most morons always say because they're retarded asswipes, also appears in the movie as an actress who was hot about 10 years ago but now has a face like a saddlebag.  She also does not appear naked.  She's Turdburglar's aunt or some damn thing, but she really doesn't factor into the plot.  This isn't saying much because there isn't a plot.

Oh yeah, there's also a brief moment where Turdburglar goes through a wrong door and ends up on stage.  He takes the microphone and begins to squeal like the air slowly leaking out of a balloon.  This really isn't too important though, I'm not even sure why they included it.

And that's about it.  The movie does have its good moments though, for instance:

Look at this fat slob.  Big, fat, stupid people are always funny.  I laughed out loud just looking at him.  I think his name was "Shamu."  If not, it should have been.

However, overall the movie is a complete joke.  Avoid it at all costs.  I'm sorry if you went to see it last week since I wasn't able to warn you in advance, but it seems to me that most anyone with sense in their skull and without the obligation to watch endless hours of crap to bring "entertainment" to the masses would know that this is going to suck just as much as anything else Eminem has ever done and wouldn't see it in the first place.

- Danimal