Before we get even one sentence into this mind boggling article, let's
get a few things straight: 1) I have not dropped off the face of
the Earth, I'm just working an awful lot of hours lately and I'm
still extremely lazy; B) despite the incredibly awful quality of the drawing
above, I really had nothing to do with it (difficult to believe, I know).
And now, on to the good stuff (NOTE: there's most likely little "good"
about it).
It is no surprise that I regularly receive exactly two kinds of email
on a daily basis: hate letters and extremely violent hate letters.
Occasionally the SPAM email slips in, but besides that it's angry, nonsensical
garbage. As always, I thought it would be fun to publish these letters
to show you just how frightening the people around you truly are.
From: Deftone1217@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Top 10 Worst Bands
Dude, I'm sorry, but you must be the biggest moron to ever attempt a
review on music. Almost every musician on that list is considered
a legend of rock. I agree that Guns & Roses, Limp Bizkit, John
Cougar, and Kiss are very very bad musicians, but the rest paved the way
for modern rock. Pink Floyd: originality out the ass.
Very talented musicians, along with some decent lyrics. Theres also
Led Zeppelin... awesome band. There are not many people today
that could lay out a drum beat like John Bonham. And Jimmy Page on
guitar??? His playing makes the best guitar players I know wanna
cream their pants. You went way too far with the Hendrix one.
His guitar playing is absolutely amazing. You obviously don't know
that that man could take a right handed guitar and play it upside down
just as well as he could a normal guitar, because he was left handed.
You say he has no talent??? That's bullshit. I do agree with
you on Bob Dylan's singing. It's horrible. But he was simply
an awesome musician. The Beatles: although I don't particularly
enjoy their music all that much, I realize that they pretty much
popularized modern rock. And then you put the nail in the coffin...
The Doors. Jim Morrison was a genius, litterally. His IQ was
VERY high. His lyrics were poetic, but you don't realize that because
you have absolutely no clue how to look deep into them. If anything,
they are some of the best in history. And then you say the only good
thing from Nirvana was the Foo Fighters???? YOU ARE A MORON!
Nirvana did have very little talent in music or lyrics, but they have that
sound that makes the simplest riff sound great. You say you like
the Foo fighters? Every band on this list including the bands that
i agreed that i didn't like can make them can make them cry like little
bitches with skinned knees. I do enjoy some of their earlier music,
but the Colour and the Shape??? If you could encode feces into an
audio file, that album is exactly what you'd get. Same with their
newer CD, which I don't know the name of because I turned my head after
they released their prior shitdisk. What kind of music do you like???
I bet it's absolute BULLSHIT. Now look what you did??? You
made me take time out of my precious day to read and send comments back
on your appauling article. Thank you and goodbye.
Blah, blah, blah. This is just a guess, but I think that people didn't
take kindly to my absolutely 100% factual and indisputable list of the
Top 10 Worst Bands. But then again, it's right there in black
and white that I'm a moron. Apparently in order to up that intelligence
factor I need to start emailing people who don't like bands that I... well,
also admit that I don't like. I guess that makes you smart?
From: The
Danimal
To: Deftone1217@aol.com
Subject: Re: Top 10 Worst Bands
Hello Mr. Deftone1217,
Thank you for taking time to write in, it is always appreciated.
I couldn't agree more than Pink Floyd was original. They were
the first band to see what would happen if they took untalented musicians
and flung them in a room with forty pounds of smack to see what kind of
music they could record.
And hang on, Jimi Hendrix took a regular guitar and played it upside
down? Why didn't someone tell me this sooner? Now all of a
sudden I think his music and singing are great, not the screeching, spine
chilling sounds of utter torment I thought they were. He is the bestest!
And The Beatles popularized modern rock? They must be good then!
Never mind that they're music makes me want to inject bleach into my bloodstream,
they were popular, so they must be good.
And you don't have to tell me what a genius poet Jim Morrison is.
Any man who can spend 98% of his time drunk and stoned is about as smart
a man as I'll ever meet! He is king!
Since you asked, I did a follow up article on my favorite bands.
That way everyone can see that I love all the greats of all time!
It's in the Q & A section, and the direct link is:
http://www.nothing-sacred.net/articles/096
Enjoy!
As always, no reply. However, the idiocy doesn't stop there, oh no...
From: RydeOrDie312@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: CRAZY
you are crazy for writing this list... because your favorite band is
n'sync doesent mean you sould put down some of the best band's in rock
and roll history! how could you ever put some of the greats on a worst
bands list. i mean you have zepplin, pink floyd, and the doors on there.
May be you sould stop listening to what the radio plays and start buying
more album's. ok now that i got my point across may-be you sould change
the name of this list to rock and roll legends (except limp bizket, guns
and roses, john cougar, kiss, and the beatles you were right about that
they are horrible). well thank you for pissing me off enough to write this
e-mail you trl ass licker.
Is there a stipulation to AOL (official motto: "One day, we might
be good... ah, who are we fooling?") that all of its users must have no
shift key on their keyboard? Or perhaps a constantly locked Caps
Lock button? This must be the case. And yes, RydeOrDie312,
you most certainly got your point across. I'm an idiot for not liking
a bunch of bands that you later admit you also don't like. You think
this clod is related to the last one by chance? And hey, don't kill
the messenger here, I'm just reporting undeniable fact about what are universally
agreed to be the all time worst bands.
From: The
Danimal
To: RydeOrDie312@aol.com
Subject: Re: CRAZY
Hey man, what's shaking?
You are totally right on the money. It's all about N*Sync.
It's kind of funny how the music industry is like that, isn't it?
I mean, it's either Led Zeppelin or N*Sync. The only two bands in
history! And TRL, don't even get me started on how great that is.
It's the only place you can go to see music! Why can't there be more
choices? Why oh why must there only be just a small handful of bands
out there? I was thinking of changing it to "Legends" too,
because their combined suckitude is legendary! And of course, it's
the stuff of legend that you can be around as long as many of those bands
without ever doing a single thing worth hearing. Oh well, I'm back
to TRL. I hope N*Sync, the only other band around, is on now!
No reply to this one either. I don't know why I give and give to
the public when I never get back. Well, sometimes I do. My
friend Jim sent me this interesting piece of info:
Ever wonder where the word "shit" comes from. Well here it
is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was back
then) by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea)
hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began
again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below
decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen, methane began
to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night
with a lantern. BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped
with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High
In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any
water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start
the production of methane.
Fun facts and profanity for no good reason. It's what Nothing-Sacred
is all about.
From: Emily
To: The Danimal
Subject: (none)
Thank you for placing homosexuality below sex with animals in your article
about renting porn.
We fellow humans really appreciate it!
Hey, Emily, it's my pleasure. I'm always glad to help out the human
community. Now go back to driving your truck and arm wrestling Marines
in the tattoo parlor. Hey, nice flannel shirt, by the way.
From: Fox
To: The Danimal
Subject: Danimal...
Danimal, I have one thing to say about you...You fuckin rock...
-Fox
All we can figure here is that Fox's alias of "clinicly brain dead" isn't
just a nickname, since somehow he managed to defy the known order of nature
and write me a complimentary letter. I've been told that such an
act is actually punishable by public beheading in most countries.
And finally, we move on to my absolute favorite email, the totally jumble
slur of cursing for no apparent reason.
From: Merwin
To: The Danimal
Subject: lmao
hahaha - god damn you are a fucking dumb ass.
From: Bennett
To: The Danimal
Subject: fuck you
fuck you asshole
From: MoTown322@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: (none)
you are a fucking asshole, I hope you know that.
From: PastelFairy283@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: (none)
you suck
Now, I'm pretty certain that a few of those were in response to my
Tribute
to the Unsung Heroes of America I did last month, but that's only a
guess. It's also possible that it was--oh I don't know--any other
damn thing I ever wrote because there's absolutely no details. Don't
get me wrong, I wouldn't care anyway, but it's always nice to know exactly
what it was I did to make people angry enough to write a total stranger
with their own unique display of stupidity. For instance...
From: Flashpigs@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: about your site!
I think your site sucks because when you click on a link it turns a
ungly color green! But i do agree with you about getting rid of california.
Anyways, make your site better shades of green ok?
So there you have it. California, bad. Green, even worse.
Makes sense to me. Of course, I just spent the last 48 hours having
my skull screwed back together following an unusual equestrian accident
involving a bowl of Count Chocula, so it would stand to reason that this
would make sense.
Ah well, there it is. Another exciting look into the endless
stream of incoherence in which I perpetually live. Even as I type
this you can be sure that I got at least two more hate letters, to be
published next time. See you then!
- Danimal
