For this article I decided to take a break from my usual angry frustrated style of comedy and write a review of what I believe to be the best album that has been released so far this year.  This album is by a Finnish band called "Sentenced" and its name is "The Cold White Light."  Sentenced is a very talented and innovative band that combines traditional melodic Heavy Metal (notice the words "traditional" and "melodic," which means the garbage commonly known "Nu-Metal" is not involved here) with early 90's era Grunge and a little bit of Gothic added in.  In other words, think of this band as a cross between Iron Maiden, Pearl Jam, and a little bit of The Cure.  Sentenced has been around since the early 90's and "The Cold White Light" is their latest release.  This album is fantastic, and if my description of Sentenced's style of music sounds like something you might get into, you should definitely buy it.

By now you are probably wondering why you have never heard of Sentenced if they are such a great band.  If you live in the U.S., there are two reasons for that:

1. They are good.  You see, here in the U.S. of A., the only ways you can get any recognition at all as a musician is if you either whine and play two chords on your guitar, like Nickelback, Blink 182, Korn, Creed, and many other fine "Rock Artists;" or whine and play no instrument, like N'Sync, Britney Spears, Destiny's Child, and the like; or if you neither sing nor play an instrument (Rap "music," anyone?).  Having any visible amount of musical talent or skill automatically disqualifies you from becoming a successful recording artist in the U.S.  Since the members of Sentenced can sing, play their respective instruments with great mastery, and write beautiful and intricate songs that do not make their listener want to puke, drive a crowbar through both their ears, crudely castrate him/herself with a dull blade so that the pain would block out the sound of music, or do anything else that shows their lack of pleasure with music, they are not, and cannot possibly be successful in the U.S.

2. They are from Finland.  You see, American music fans and music business employees do not know or care the slightest about what is going on in the music scene of countries where English is not a native language.  Sure, we have had plenty of successful artists from Canada, England, Australia, even Jamaica, but the situation is completely different when it comes to countries where the native tongue is not English.  With the exception of ABBA, no artist from one of these countries, including A-Ha, The Cardigans, Taco, and Falco, have ever amounted to anything other than a one-hit wonder here in America.  I am not saying that all the artists listed above were necessarily good, or that they necessarily deserved even the little success they got, but I am pointing out the fact that it is the way I say it is.  Knowing that, Michael Jackson has a greater chance of finding another woman who is over the age of ten this week, than Sentenced has of ever becoming popular in the U.S., despite the fact that the album I am reviewing here debut at #1 on Finnish album charts, and the fact that all their lyrics are in English.

So if you've never heard of Sentenced, do not worry and think that you are "out of the loop" with the current music scene.

With all that said, let us get to the "meat and potatoes" of this article, and start reviewing the album.  "The Cold White Light" features ten happy, upbeat songs that will bring great joy into your heart and make you think the world is a wonderful happy place.  After listening to this album, you will love your life and feel very excited about its every moment.  One look at the album's track list alone will put a smile on your face; so to bring you this smile, let me show you that track list:

1. Konevitsan Kirkonkellot [A Finnish instrumental translating to "Bloodbath Death Gouge"]
2. Cross My Heart and Hope to Die
3. Brief is the Light
4. Neverlasting
5. Aika Multaa Muistot (everything is nothing)
6. Excuse Me While I Kill Myself
7. Blood and Tears
8. You Are the One
9. Guilt and Regret
10. The Luxury of a Grave
11. No one There

There, don't you feel happy already?  Okay, maybe not.  Maybe I exaggerated the happy mood of this album just a little.  All right, fine, this is not a happy album at all.  As I am sure you can tell by the song titles, the music on this album is so dark and depressing that it will leave you wanting to just curl up in a fetal position in an empty room somewhere and hide yourself from the rest of this cruel, evil, heartless world.

The members of Sentenced do a great job of creating just such a mood with their music.  Singer Ville Laihiala, who also writes some of the lyrics, has a raspy but melodic baritone, which he uses to sound dark, depressed, and haunting.  He sings with a lot of emotion that touches your heart as you listen to him.  Miika Tenkula, the band's lead guitarist and main songwriter, plays some breathtaking--and I do mean breathtaking-- solos and lead parts that go from dark, haunting, and melodic in softer songs like "Cross My Heart and Hope to Die" to catchy, crunching, and generally "rocking" in heavier, faster paced songs like "Excuse Me While I Kill Myself" and "The Luxury of a Grave."  Rhythm guitarist Sami Lopakka does an excellent job of backing up his band mate Tenkula.  In softer songs, he provides rich, beautiful harmonies to Tenkula's melodic leads, and in heavier songs he makes Tenkula's riffs even more crunchy and "rocking."  Bassist and back-up singer Sami Kukkohovi plays intricate and innovative bass lines and sings harmony vocals that increase the haunting, depressing effect of Ville Laihiala's singing.  His relatively soft clear voice complements Laihiala's harsh rasp nicely.  Drummer Vesa Ranta adds complex drum parts to the songs, serving as the backbone for the rest of the band.  When all these musicians come together to play the album's ten innovative and very well written songs, the result is approximately forty five minutes of great music.

In addition to great music, the album features wonderful, thought provoking lyrics with plenty of metaphors and beautifully complex word usage.  Here is just a sample of those unbelievable lyrics:

EXCUSE ME WHILE I KILL MYSELF

"How do you do? Have yourself a pleasant afternoon!"
Well, fuck you, too!
"Good night" is the one I choose for you!

I'll kill myself: I'll blow my brains onto the wall
See you in Hell, I will not take this anymore!
Now, this is where it ends, this is where I will draw the line
So, 'scuse me while I end my life

I will pull this through
Not having a reason is no excuse
What the Hell do you suppose I have left to lose?
(You?)

I'll kill myself: I'll blow my brains onto the wall
See you in Hell, I will not take this anymore!
This is where it ends, I'll put a bullet in my head
And yes, drop dead!

This is where it ends, this is where I will draw the line:
- Excuse me while I kill myself

Well, maybe I spoke too soon when I praised this album's lyrics.  Maybe they are not as intelligent and well written as I originally described.  But who cares about the lyrics?  After all, when you buy an album, you buy it for music, don't you?  Besides, the lyrics on "The Cold White Light", as well as the bands previous three albums, are written to sound stupid on purpose in order to give the music somewhat of a light-hearted feel.  Writing carefree pseudo-depressive lyrics conveys the idea that while the members of Sentenced enjoy playing dark depressing music, they also have a sense of humor.  This is very important for the bands appeal to its fans, since depressing art of any kind can only be tolerated for so long, even when it is as good as the music on this album, unless it is sprinkled with a little humor.  So if you are tired of the gut-wrenching recycled drivel you hear on the radio these days and are looking for a change, Sentenced's "Cold White Light" may be the album for you.  Meanwhile, "excuse me while I kill myself" so that I no longer have to put up with all this garbage on the radio.

- Iced Alex