Before I go launching into another of my patented, laugh-filled reviews (NOTE:  "laugh filled" is most likely a complete falsehood), let me say that I broke totally out of character and got myself a cat.  It's a kitten and he was wandering around my neighborhood and I felt some bizarre sensation in my chest.  While at first I thought this was a heart attack, I was later informed that it was "sympathy," something new and foreign to me.  So I took the damn thing in, and he's really brightened up my house, which previously was done by my malfunctioning furnace that would sporadically set the garage on fire.  Here's a picture of the little cutie:

Isn't that sweet?  Don't you just want to cuddle?  That's how he spends roughly 60% of his time, with 30% being devoted to running between my legs just as I get to the top of a staircase, and the other 10% spent crapping on every surface in my house with the one exception of his litter box.

But enough about me and my new addition, let's get on to the movie at hand, High Fidelity.  Ever since it came out, every one I know has been telling me how great it is and how I must see it.  So I bought it and watched it this past weekend.  Now let me take this opportunity to tell every one of those people to suck my ass because this movie is a total pile of rancid, flaming horseshit.  Let's take a look at the revolting cast:

John Cusack breaks new ground by playing a witty, quirky, insightful, wistful, forlorn man who's looking for love in his silly circumstances.  Normally he plays this character well, and if you exclude every movie he's ever made except for One Crazy Summer, he's never made a bad movie.  In this movie however, he adds in two new traits which make you want to break out the ammo:  1) he's a total wimp who spends all his time obsessing over a woman who's not really worth it anyway, and B) he talks to the camera.  I've mentioned before how much I loathe narration, and talking to the camera is like narration taken to the next, even more enraging level.  Also, everything he says is arranged into a "Top Five" list which I think is meant to be funny but is really just remarkably annoying.  He's such a spineless, whiny bum that you really don't care for him in the least and it makes no difference whether he wins in the end or not.

Here's a tip for you would-be filmmakers out there:  if you're going to focus a story about someone's obsession with a woman, make her HOT for fuck's sake.  This dope has a face like a rhino's testicles, and a hairstyle that looks like it's courtesy of a weed whacker.  And what the fuck kind of name is that anyway?  Iben Hjellejejjelejhejelleje?  Who the shit came up with that one?  In any event, this ugly woman leaves John Cusack for another man and is cold and callous, making the audience instantly detest her and want nothing less than a marching band to parade over her lifeless corpse before they themselves are eaten by hungry sharks because no one on Earth likes marching bands.

Cusack is a former DJ turned record store owner, and this shitbrain is one of his employees.  He's some kind of Rain Man-esque music genius who totally sucks and no one cares and let's move on.

What the hell is she doing in this movie?  In one of the astoundingly idiotic subplots, Cusack decides to look up all the women who ever broke his heart (of course, arranged in a "Top Five" list) to find out why, adding even more repugnance to his character.  Jones plays one of the women, and no one cares because this movie sucks.

The trailer for this movie gave Tim Robbins second billing as a cruel joke to all of the fans of this completely underrated actor (read:  me).  He's in exactly three scenes and has no more than five lines.

Jack Black is another employee at the record store, and he's actually funny.  Really though, he's funny by default because he's just a really goofy looking bastard, but at least he elicited a chuckle or two, something no one else did in this turdball.

So Cusack's bitch leaves him for Tim Robbins and he then spends the whole movie being an introspective and self deprecating wimp that is unrealistic and unlikeable.  Then, his bitch girlfriend's father dies so she takes him back because she's sad and needs affection and he's there.  Also because she has an idea to make money and get his DJ career started again.  So in other words, people are only as mature as their options.  And another message of the film is that if you want your girlfriend back, kill her father.  What a great movie!  I would love nothing more than to sit and watch it another 40,000 times to really let it sink in just shortly before I hurl my body off the top of a skyscraper.

Stink, stank, stunk.  This movie has virtually no comedic moments (except for Jack Black) and a love story that has absolutely no romantic elements.  What a winner!  Since everything in this shit parade insists on being arranged into a "Top Five" list, then let me present...

5 - How about just one ending?  This is yet another movie that just rolls past one ending after another until you're finally forced to drink arsenic.
4 - Every time that Ibernrne Hjejejlljejejjfjjleljej appears on screen, a large spear suddenly flies in and penetrates her apelike skull.
3 - Nudity, nudity, and more nudity.  One quick shot of the side of Catherine Zeta Jones's boobs ain't enough.  There's also a quick shot of Tim Robbins naked.  Scientists estimate his age at about 97 though, so this is pretty gross.
2 - Instead of that skinny little bald twerp... Rambo.
1 - Rather than having him confront all his old girlfriends, have Cusack slice their throats with a meat cleaver.  Now that would be a good movie!

- Danimal