Just when I was on the verge of greatness, another person had to come
along and shoot down my dreams. As you may recall, I was planning
on releasing my own super cool party-themed album
to rival that of the great Andrew W.K. and his super hot release "Me Like
Party Cool!" or whatever the hell it's called. This idea, like most
I have, earned great praise from the adoring fans of this site by way of
a string of hate email. As is standard, it made little to no sense.
From: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: (no subject)
I think if you listen, you'll find Andrew W.K's songs to be more complex
than any of the Nü Metal crap.
I was blown away by that email. Not because of what it has to say,
but really because I'd like to know how in the hell this guy got those
two little dots over the "u." That's pretty cool! But delving
into the letter, we see that apparently this gentleman (or lady, who really
knows or cares) used the infamous "oh yeah, well at least it's better than
this other thing that has nothing to do with anything" defense. No
matter what you're talking about, there's always something worse (except
for Bob Dylan), but so what? It'd be like saying "well maybe you
don't like broccoli, but at least it's better than monkey shit!"
Perplexed, I wrote back in my usual dignified manner.
From: The
Danimal
To: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Boy, that's for sure! Like the song "Don't Stop Living in the
Red" has deeply meaningful words like:
"You were always living in the red
You were always living in the red
You were always living in the reeeeeeeeed
Oooooh....oooooh....oooooh......oooooh
Red, red, red, red, red, red, red"
Those are too complicated to even try to comprehend. I personally
wonder how he can come up with that stuff!
Allow me to point out that those really are words to an Andrew W.K. song,
at least as far as I know. I suppose it could just be a joke since
it's really hard to imagine anyone writing lyrics that awful.
From: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I'm of course not speaking of his lyrics."Party Hard" is, musically,
more complex than any Korn or Drowning Pool song i've ever heard. Lyrics
are grossly overemphasized by the mass of know-it-all critics like yourself.
From now on, try criticizing something that you are knowledgable about.
Hang on, do I know it all or am I not knowledgeable? Am I a critic
or should I not criticize? It makes no sense! This letter is
confusion at its finest! I plan on getting to the bottom of this.
From: The
Danimal
To: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
But Korn and Drowning Pool ROOL! That's why I said so in the article
over and over again. Their music is AWESOME!
And yes, Andrew W.K. is more complex. Most of those guys only
use two chords, he uses almost two and a half. He is the musical
master of ceremonies! I sometimes wonder how one person can write
so many songs in the same key using the same two chords. You'd think he'd
run out of songs with such a limited arsenal, yet he just keeps putting
out more! He is KING OF THE GALAXY! With two chords and almost
six words per song, he is truly THE NEXT LUDWIG VAN CHOPIN!
I decided to start talking like a 13-year old fanboy since I figured it's
what this jamoch would understand best. Seriously though, at what
point did Korn and Drowning Pool enter into the equation? No matter,
he gave some some ammunition and I intended to use it to its fullest extent.
From: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Try again, he uses more than 2 in "Party Hard". Idiot.
Ouch, what a burn. That's hitting below the belt, calling me an idiot
and all. Everyone knows only the truly smart people spend their time
defending a one-hit wonder hack by writing to total strangers and saying
how he's better than other one-hit wonder hacks. If only I could
be so smart one day!
From: The
Danimal
To: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I know, I said he uses almost two and a half! Man, that is talent!
Especially when you consider that he is playing it all himself too!
He has no other members of the band playing the music while he just screams,
it is all him! The man is a living testament to PURE, RAW TALENT!
He has the Power of Grayskull truly!
I am so glad you have decided to share our common love of Korn and their
identical twin Andrew W.K. through the mystery of email. We can discuss
how talented they are! It is never ending! Personally, I was
surprised when I found out they were different bands, they are almost the
same except for maybe a little more hair here and there! It is EXCITEMENT!
Another reference to how Korn and Andrew W.K. are exactly the same.
I could almost picture the veins throbbing in this genius's head.
It's impossible not to laugh.
From: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Yeah, and I'm sure whatever music you like is sheer genius. which brings
me to 2 questions. Do you critics actually like music? Secondly,
Do you have any idea what you are talking about?
You know, if there's a term I'd use to describe myself, aside from "strapping"
or "manly," it would definitely be "critic." Interestingly, I don't
remember ever doing a review of Andrew W.K.'s album, possibly entitled
"Party Am Fun Party." I guess I must have though, because that's
what we critics do. And yes, of course we like music, that's why
we hate Andrew W.K.
From: The
Danimal
To: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
Oh yes, I love all music, and I of course mean REAL MUSIC, such as Korn,
Slipknot, Limp Bizkit, and of course Andrew W.K.! They are all so
similar, there's something for everyone to enjoy! Sometimes I have
a hard time trying to figure out which one is which though because they're
like mirror images of each other.
And of course I know what I'm talking about, that is what makes me the
CRITIC OF THE CENTURY! I have spent countless hours researching these
things, because that's what makes me informed about the many facets of
musical integrity! Just the other day I spent seventy three hours
watching Andrew W.K. through a pair of binoculars in a tree outside his
house in order to get an inside glimpse into his creative and talented
brain! It was most informative. I found out later it was actually
my grandma's house.
By this time, I can only guess that whoever this mystery guest is, his
brain was on overload trying to figure out how he hadn't mortally wounded
me by telling me a guy I hate is worse than some other bands I also hate.
His comeback this time reflects this lack of brain impulses.
From: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: (no subject)
I feel sorry for your parents.
Yes, me too. It is such a terrible tragedy. No wait, what are
we talking about again?
From: The
Danimal
To: Tsqua12ed@aol.com
Subject: Re: (no subject)
You and I have always stuck together on that one, amigo!
Right now, as we speak I am listening to Andrew W.K./Korn's newest triumph
of a song! I don't know the title, but it is that one that sounds
just like all of the other ones. Do you know which one I mean?
It ROCKS! It is an enlightening experience for me. I can see
Buddha! I wonder why he has a mustache?
And of course, there was no response, probably because "Tsqua12ed" had
blown his brains out at the thought of someone not liking something that
is universally known to suck. I think it should be pointed out that
this entire exchange took place in roughly fifteen minutes one night while
I was at work trying to keep from drifting into sweet, sweet catatonia.
It made my night to triumph yet again over the deranged fanboy community.
- Danimal
