Hi, some of you may have noticed my absence recently, but the rest of you who aren't members of my immediate family probably didn't notice/care.  I was on vacation at a concert and convention in the Midwest, which is a long 15 hour trip from where I normally frighten people away with my opinions.  It was an interesting experience, not the meeting of new people and hearing new ideas or seeing my favorite entertainers, but because I had tear gas shot at me.  I'll repeat for those who did not catch on.  I had TEAR GAS shot at me.  How many times have you had tear gas in your immediate breathing area?  How many people do you know who have breathed in tear gas?  Not many I would bet.

First, I guess I should set the stage for you.  A girl was performing a service, showing her breasts to us guys.  Nothing wrong with that, in fact that practice is somewhat encouraged at Mardi Gras.  Police tried to arrest her, and like a child who has his favorite toy taken away, the mob protested.  Throughout the years, people have protested for noble reasons, taxation without representation, the right to vote, and continuing in that trend the mob wanted free breasts.  Then the cops called in reinforcements with paintball guns...but not normal paintball guns, crowd control paintball guns.  They explode on contact and the tear gas goes everywhere.

There I was performing my civic duty, (saying "oh shit" repeatedly while taking pictures of the police) and that's when it hit me.  "If there is a riot" I thought to myself, "I would be totally unprepared."  I would think a riot is a once in a lifetime experience, time to get the most out of it.  So I spent the next week thinking how I could educate anyone who may take part in a riot how to exploit it for personal gain.

1) Rally the troops - this step will be critical for the riot. You can't exactly have a riot with 5 people, you would get arrested and that's what we are trying to avoid.  The more people involved the less chance you will get caught.  Here is where you get the chance to be Braveheart, do or say whatever you can to get people on your side.  Chants will be helpful here, but they type of chant you choose will either help or hurt your cause.

Good Chant: "Hell no, we won't go!"
Bad Chant: "We love men!"

2) Plan ahead - most riots will be over in a matter of an hour or so.  With precious little time you need to do as much damage as possible, but don't be an asshole about it. If you see someone about to set fire to a building that you are about to torch, let it go, there will be plenty of other buildings to burn down.

3) The early bird gets the worm - If you see a group of people breaking into an electronics store, go and get your TV.  Then you can go and flip over that car you had your eye on.  When it comes to carrying electronics, go for light things, small TVs, laptops, etc.  A slow looter is an arrested looter.  If you need that 56" plasma screen, just remember: bend at the knees.

4) Hasty exit - If you see the riot team coming your way, run the opposite way.  Let the brave fools get their heads beaten in.  If you followed step 1 correctly several of your volunteers may provide you with a well needed distraction so you can get home and watch the news on your new TV.  Or if you want a more lasting memory of your riot adventures, be like this guy; throw the tear gas canister back at the police.  That way you get your picture in the paper, but if the police catch you, you may end up in a coma.

Following these four easy steps will ensure that you enjoy your riot, and providing you don't get beaten down, or jailed, you will have a great story to tell your kids someday.  If you're like me, however you don't plan on having any kids.  If that's the case, stalk your local playgrounds to find children to listen to your civil unrest exploits.  Oh and by the way, if you happen to be setting fire to an expensive car as a message to rich people everywhere and you see me, don't be afraid to say hi.

- Jeff