A great while ago, I devoted a What's My Beef article to the many, many commercials that should be in some way legal grounds to castrate the person who created them with and old pair of pruning shears.  And keep in mind, I don't even know what pruning shears are exactly.  The response from the public was overwhelming.  They said, and I quote, "you could just not watch the commercials you dope."  No, they didn't say that at all.  Apparently nobody likes commercials any more.  I ended up doing not one but two articles of mail I received on the subject.  Well, it hasn't stopped.  I'm still getting more every day, even though it's been at least an hour and possibly even as many as three since I wrote that initial piece, if my calculations are correct..  I thought it might be nice to share some of them with you so you can see that I'm not the only raving lunatic in the world.

The first came from one known as Loki:

I just wanted to say, i share your disgust with the advertising world.  Useless people in business suits in a conference trying to pitch their new hamburger with a basketball star because they include a new little packet of 'cheese sauce'.  Or those fucking feminist commercials where it shows the room in the hospital and all the female baby rising their fists in a rebellion to the 'male-controlled' world, fuck that, anyone responsible for those commercials should be beaten until they bleed to death from their colon.

The would would be a surprisingly better place without 'clever' mentos situations, implying that sucking on a mint will increase your ingenuity.  Once again, beaten until bleed to death from colon.

And any workout related commercial, selling a Bowflex, or a fucking Ab Roller, Obese motherfuckers sitting on their couch thinking that a device that looks like a rollerskate, can make them have great abs and a hard body, but, you just spent $90 on a plastic contraption that will stay in the garage forever, until there's the garage sales where NOBODY will buy that useless shit because they have at least some common sense.

Oh, ab-belts, people sitting on their asses using a belt that sends electric currents to their body part of choice, hoping to get a ripped body like on the late nite infomercial they saw, i say anyone who sells those, should make them big enough to simulate an electric chair, to end the pointless lives that actually bought these things.
 
BAH!

Loki had quite a bit to say, but I have to agree.  I'm not saying I really do agree, I just have to because he seems pretty stuck on the idea of making people die from a bleeding colon.  Really though, what's with those workout products?  I like that electric chair idea, since fat people have been scientifically proven to be totally useless and actually causing the ozone depletion.

Next up was "Spark."

yeah, just that one about the new chips ahoy cookies w/ the cream filling.....those stupid clay figures, the song...etc.....it makes me want to go out and murder ppl! but i like that evian baby commercial!

The evian commercial was one another reader had mentioned.  At the time, it was only playing in the U.K. but has since made its way to the states.  It involves several computer animated babies swimming in water that we're then supposed to want to drink.

Up next is another "U.K.-only" ad that, if all goes well, we'll never have to see over in this country.  It was sent by Catherine.

I was reading those rants about the crap Ads and I thought of one we have in Britain.  It's a McDonalds ad that comes glaring across the TV every other commercial break with that Retarded Clown Bastard butchering some shitty song to tell kiddies how to be safe at home.  while having an army of stupid little crap-weasles follow him round singing ridiculous lyrics.  For example, the song starts with

Clown dude: Who wants to know how to be safe at home?
Kids: We do run run run we do run run!
Clown dude:If you se some matches leave them well alone!
Box of matches: We do run run run we do run run!

I mean, What the fuck?! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that shit!  I mean, since when have inanimate objects been able to sing? but that's not all! We are also serenaded by a flight of stairs and a bottle of poison!  AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO SEES SOMETHING TOTALLY WRONG HERE?!  And don't get me started on those bastard water pistol Ads, more fucking water My Ass!

Now I'm just taking a shot in the dark here, but I don't think Catherine likes those ads very much.

Next up was one from Derek

I actually saw the most hilarious commercial today.  It was an add for Molson ex.
 
Guy1: I was having sex with a woman but I decided to come hang with the guys.
Guy2: It sure is tough knowing when to do which. (Something like that)
Guy1: I know I bet I could be having sex right now but you gotta hang with the guys.
John Goodman: I couldn't help overhearing.  you guys know there is more to life than having sex and hanging with the guys right?
(10 seconds of silence)
John Goodman grins and goes: Yeah right.
Guys laugh and say "Good one".

I actually laughed what a good commercial.

I don't know if Derek was being serious or sarcastic, but very little good comes of anything with John Goodman, especially with John Goodman talking about sex.  That makes me want to retch more than Molson Export, officially known throughout the industry as "stale muskrat piss."

Finally, an email from my former Bunghole, Inc. co-worker Jean:

I've got two commercials that I think are the best.  Did you ever do a "best of" commercials on Nothing-sacred? Or only the "worst of"?? Any way, the first is an IBM add showing a coffee machine going crazy and rocket ejecting globs of brown coffee like shit the size of a grapefruit and knocking people off their chairs and hitting them square in the choppers.  Then they show a squirrel in a tree and it gets knocked into oblivion by a projectile coffee blob.

The other one is an old woman learning sign language because her new neighbor is a little deaf boy.  She walks over to the boy with an apple pie and she thinks she signes " I bake this pie for you" but she really says "I bake your dog for you." The kid drops the pie and runs away.

One would think that after working with me for many years that Jean would know that I almost never compliment anything, so PizzleWig only knows why she thought I'd do a "best of" article, but what the shit.  I purposely didn't show a picture of the second commercial because I thought it showed pretty well exactly what I was saying I hated about ads in the first place (aside from them being not funny, annoying, and filled with characters you'd like to skin alive like that Fucking Cell Phone Bitch), that they have nothing to do with the product whatsoever.  That ad was actually for some high speed internet service, but no one remembers that, just the punchline.

And thus concludes another session of insulting every commercial made because they all suck and are clearly made by peabrained nine year olds with no eyes.  Got any more?  Feel free to send them to me and we'll wallow in misery and/or burning hatred together.

- Danimal