Holy fuck, like it ain't bad enough that you ballscratchers write me non stop with you stupid questions about your pitiful problems, but now you've taken to writing me asking me when I'm going to do my next piece of Infinite Wisdom that no one will listen to anyway?  "Oh, boo hoo, PizzleWig, you are the meaning of life, write some more, I need your help because I'm a crackbooger."  Can't you think of anything new ever?  Fine then, let's get this shit on the fucking road.  Oh yeah, and those stupid dickmuzzles Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent are here too, though put together they still ain't worth a tube of shitpaste.

Greg Bumdelfrodden of Eugene, OR writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,

I'm getting pretty close to my thirties and am realizing I'm in pretty bad shape.  I'm probably about 50 pounds overweight.  What can I do to help to slim myself down so I can feel better about myself and stay healthy?  Thanks.

Righteous Ron:  You should begin the Deity Diet immediately!  It consists of a healthy Egg White and Brainwashing Omelet for breakfast, a light Heavy Handed Corporal Punishment Salad for lunch, and a Blissful Ravioli of Blind Acceptance for dinner.  These will help you to shed the pounds and the sin at the same time!  Just don't cheat on the diet, God is watching and will punish you with the Chocolate Cake of Immense Proportions.

PizzleWig:  What are you talking about, turdmuffin?  You've already got a shape.  The shape of a bowling ball.  A ballracker like you doesn't deserve to feel good about himself, but if you were to maybe fire a cannonball into your face everyone else would feel a little better.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  An excellent way to slim down is to have someone carve out your insides with a hunting knife.  The Assassin is more than willing to help if you'd like.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Finding true love can be a difficult thing, but for you it won't matter when the stomach cancer shreds your insides within hours.

Colleen Ingshmay writes:
Hi N-S,

My sister and I are very close, like best friends.  However, I've recently done the unthinkable and slept with her boyfriend.  I think I love him, but don't want to see anyone hurt.  How can I resolve this situation?

Righteous Ron:  There's a virtual smorgasbord of sin being committed here.  There is no hope for any of you, so the best advice I can give is to douse yourselves in Holy Water and goat's blood and then await the Cleaver of Evil, which will no doubt be hacking you to bits shortly to atone for you Crimes Against Lovey Dovey God.

PizzleWig:  I'm not sure who I feel most sorry for here, this poor humpwrangler of a boyfriend who has to screw either of you too pantydumplings, or everyone reading this for having to look at that fucking picture of you two ugly ass skanktuckers.  Here's how to resolve the situation:  take a bubble bath in hydrochloric acid.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The crystal balls shows a pile of flaming wreckage.  While I can't tell if it's a car, plane, or house, it's definitely you in the middle of it.

Brittany Dimpledoo writes:
Hey guys ;-)

I am a cheerleader and my squad is finding it harder and harder to get people into school spirit!  OMG!  Couldn't you just die?  How can we get kids fired up about school again?

Righteous Ron:  My children, the only spirit you should be worrying about is the Holy Spirit of Joy and Low Fat Sundaes.  God is watching, and if you don't fire up the children to believe in His Divine Potholder, the only firing up that will be happening is your souls in the Fondue Pot of Punishment.

PizzleWig:  Cheerleaders?  And you didn't send me any pictures of you frolicking about in the locker room?  You fucking little tallyspunks don't deserve my help, but here it is anyway:  nobody gives a fuck about school.  The only reason school exists is to keep you from whoring yourselves out and getting drunk on My Holy Wholegrain every minute of your lives until you're eighteen and legal for me to have my fucking way with you.  However, if you think it'll help, you can put your pom poms on my megaphone, you hot little titbobblers you.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  The best way to fire up a student body is with plastique.  It will fire their body, their bones, their teeth...

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Looking deeply into your eyes can tell me many things about you.  For instance, a retinal defect will blind you by age 17.

Justin Smedd of Albequerque, NM writes:
Hey,

I am 15 years old and pretty skinny.  Everyone makes fun of me, often taking turns punching me in the arm, face, chest, neck, and groin for hours on end.  How can I bulk up so I can stop this relentless teasing?

Righteous Ron:  The best way for a Child of God to get physically fit is to enroll in the Jesus Gym of Heartfelt Elation.  He will work you with the Dumbbells of Conformity and the Chest Press of Salvation.  Your mind, body, and soul will feel better, especially if you wash it all down with a healthy dose of the Heavenly Protein Shake of Ignorance.  Follow the program without fail, or your personal trainer, Jesus "Big Guns" Christ will snap you with his Mighty Towel in the Shower of Pity.

PizzleWig:  Why the one finger, assdonkey?  Is that to show how many pounds you weigh?  Skinny little maggotpumps like you exist to get picked on, it's all a part of my Big Book of Rules and Shit You Should Do Because I Say So, which was pulled from most bookstores last month because everyone's a non-believing fuckslumper.  You want it to stop?  Say you're gay and have AIDS, which is probably true after looking at your ugly puss.  That'll either get people too afraid to touch you, or get them to blow your head off with a twelve gauge.  Either way, I don't give a fuck.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Staying in prime physical condition is paramount to one's cunning stealth.  The Assassin would suggest that you tone your upper body through rigorous beheadings and shape your legs by hopping from tree to tree.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Were you born in April?  No wait, is it September?  The 14th?

Alissa Montruge of Bradford, NH writes:
Dear Nothing-Sacred Advice,

Here's an easy one for you:  I am very into piercings and body art of all forms.  I want to get a tattoo on my twenty first birthday next month.  What kind of tattoo should I get, and where should I get it?

Righteous Ron:  Branding yourself with ink is the surest work of Satan the Painmaster next to watching movies.  What you should probably do is begin praying for seventy-two hours straight.  Then stand on your head for a day, then pray for another three weeks.  Possibly after that, God will consider sending you an Invitation to His Holy Birthday Party.

PizzleWig:  I've been trying for ten straight minutes to tilt my monitor and look up your skirt, but it ain't working.  So I guess I'll just answer your fucking stupid question, you hot little suckmonkey.  Get a tattoo of an arrow pointing you your crotch so I can find my way there better when I show up later tonight in my usual Divine Stupor.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The number seven holds great significance for you.  It is the number of times you will be stabbed in the head by a crack crazed street thug.

OK, that does it.  No more of this fucking useless dickshit for today.  I guess you'll just have to maybe do something nuts like think for your fucking selves for a change.  Who am I kidding, I'll still get more of you pissyodelers' questions, and still no nudie pictures so just go ahead and fucking send them to me so I can kill you while eating a nice turkey or some damn thing.

- PizzleWig