(Note from The Danimal:
At long last, we received a submission for the Poor Dante section.
And I'm staying true to my word (for a change) and publishing it.)
Ah, junk mail. I get about as much junk mail as Carrot Top gets undeserved
TV time. And as you all know, THAT'S FAR TOO MUCH. It's gotten
to the point to where I get an average of 20 to 30 e-mails per day...and
they're ALL complete junk. I'm sick of it, and since I can't actually
stop it completely...I'll just mess with whoever is responsible as much
as possible. So, I'll stop running my mouth and get straight to the
good stuff...or "lame boring article," depending on whether or not you
are me...
The first e-mail was from AHAHome.com, and they were offering me two
FREE airline tickets! They also referred to me as their "friend"
on many occasions. It amazes me how something can be FREE, yet I
have to pay 50 bucks to get it. A real friend wouldn't try to cheat me
like that...
To: memberservices@ahamembership.com
From: SONNYBONE
Subject: The 2 FREE airline tickets
Hello friend,
First I would like to say "thank you" for taking the time to write the
in-depth e-mail about the FREE airline ticket offer. While the mail you
sent was rather long and tedious, I did manage to read it, I tell you!
Well, friend, when I clicked on the link to fill out the form, all I got
was a message telling me I made an error. Did I click the wrong link?
Am I not clicking it correctly? Please help me, friend, as I am anxiously
awaiting my FREE airline tickets!
Oh, and about those tickets... To where may I fly? Can I
choose the destination, or do I have to go to where I am instructed to
go? Am I allowed to return? Thank you for your time, and please
help me in any way that you can!
Your friend,
Sonny Bone
It took them 4 whole days to respond. I'm thinking that it took them
forever because their response was so long and informative.
To: SONNYBONE
From: AHA
Subject: RE: Need help with The 2 FREE airline tickets
What is a contact number where we may reach you?
Warmly,
Customer Service Representative
www.ahamembership.com
memberservices@ahamembership.com
Warmly? How in the hell is that warm? I'll show them...try making
sense of this message, you liars!
To: memberservices@ahamembership.com
From: SONNYBONE
Subject: From your friend, warmly
Dear Aha and friends,
This is not pleasing, I tell you! Why does it take so long for
you to respond? I am not ready for your warmth! No sir!
Must be faster in order for superbing. Four days is not long enough
for me, as I need to learn and grow with my partners. Please sending
of tickets to this telephone: 1-783-325-7474
Warmly,
SONNY BONE
Needless to say, they DID NOT respond again...probably because that made
absolutely no sense. Oh yeah, and sorry to whoever that number belongs
to!
The next e-mail was from the fine people over at EHarlequin.com.
You know, Harlequin, the romance novel people! They were offering
me two FREE romance novels and a FREE myste!
To: customer_ecare@harlequin.ca
From: SONNYBONE
Subject: Help with FREE books please
Hello,
I am sorry to bother you because I know you are busy reading things,
but I had an email from you people and it said I could get FREE books.
Well, it actually said, "Get 2 FREE romance novels and a FREE myste" but
I have yet to find out what a 'myste' is. When I click on the blue
text that is underlined, I get to a page that tells me I made an error
and must return home. What am I doing wrong? Why do I have
to leave? Would I get the same message if I were at home? Also,
I would like to become a member of your group but I cannot access due to
my errors that I didn't do. My brother is also a member of your group
and he tells me great things but he doesn't talk to me much, so he is no
help, I tell you! I only heard of his great things because my mother
told them to me after he said them to her. Oh well, listen to me
go on about nothing. Sorry to bother you, but please help me I am lost.
Thank you very much!
Your friend,
Sonny Bone
And the response...
To: SONNYBONE
From: customer_ecare@harlequin.ca
Subject: eHarlequin.com inquiry
Hello Sonny:
Thank you for your inquiry. We are sorry to learn that you received
an incomplete e-mail. A myste is a type of book also known as a mystery.
Please click on or copy the following link to receive your two free books
and surprise gift:
http://store.eharlequin.com/t5_free_books.jhtml;
jsessionid=XOWSVJAQ1LGGFLAUEAKCAOQ
If you have any further questions or comments, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Gina
eCare Customer Service
"ALSO KNOWN AS A MYSTERY???" These dumb bastards actually think I'll
believe that? Yeah, like they
meant to spell it "MYSTE."
I don't know about you guys, but MYSTERY NOVEL SLANG hasn't hit the streets
around here yet... The next day I got
another email from the
well organized folks over at eharlequin.com. It was some other lady
responding to the same e-mail.
To: SONNYBONE
From: orders@harlequin.ca
Subject: eharlequin.com inquiry
Hello Sonny:
Thank you for your inquiry. Thank you for your interest in the
two free romance books and the mystery novel gift offer. Please accept
our apology for the difficulty you have experienced in accessing this feature.
eHarlequin.com offers subscriptions to Harlequin or Silhouette series that
feature the free romance books and the mystery gift as part of the sign-up
process. For your convenience, the link to this offer is listed below.
It has been tested by experts and is known to be active. You may click
on the following link or copy the following address:
http://store.eharlequin.com/stores/harl/t5_free_books.jhtml
If you have any further questions or comments, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Denise
eCare Customer Service
Wait a minute... At the beginning of that e-mail, Denise talks about
the "free mystery novel," but at the end it turns into a "mystery GIFT!"
Which one is it? Either way, I'm sure Denise has no F'n clue...that's
why it's a MYSTERY! I also like how she said that I "may" click the
link...as if she's giving me permission. Thank you so much, Denise.
Also, the whole "tested by experts" thing was just odd, I think.
When I read that sentence, I'm picturing these 50 year old men in lab coats
boiling a bunch of chemicals in beakers. Yeah, like you need
experts
to click a F'n button. Oh, but I wasn't done. I decided to
respond to the first lady, Gina.
To: orders@harlequin.ca
From: SONNYBONE
Subject: Thanks Gina, more help FREE book offer shipping
Hello Gina,
Thank you for your help and for the link you provided! When I
depressed my mouser button, the link popped up so fast, I tell you!
I wonder what the original problem was? Oh well, I'm sure it was
my error. But when I got to your FREE books page, I read the line,
"Steamy stories so full of scorching hot passion, you're liable to singe
your fingers just turning the pages!," I began to think. Are these
erotic stories shipped secretly? I do not want my mailman to know
about my erotic hobby! Are the packages shipped in unmarked boxes?
I would hate to have a box arrive with the words, "EROTIC PASSION" in bold
letters upon the top, I tell you! Oh how red I would turn...
I did, in fact, fill out the form and am now a member of your group, much
like my brother, and I will spread the word of your great services!
Although I think I will tell everyone to their face rather than have my
mother inform them. Oh what a scamp my older hooligan of a brother
is, I tell you! Thank you for your time, and could you please answer
my questions about the packaging?! OMG THANX GINA!!!!!
Your e-Harlequin friend,
Sonny Bone
This was Gina's (whose name suddenly changed to Patty) somewhat confusing
reply:
To: SONNYBONE
From: orders@harlequin.ca
Subject: eharlequin.com inquiry
Dear Sonny:
Thank you for your inquiry. Please rest assure that you shippment
will not arrive with a full descripion of what the novels are about on
the outside of the package. Only the titles will be displayed. Some
images may also appear on the packaging. Thank you for your inquiry.
If any further assistance is needed, please contact us.
Sincerely,
Patty
eCare Customer Service
Boy, these Harlequin gals sure do like the word "inquiry" don't they?
I particularly like the word "descripion." Oh, and don't forget about
"you shippment" either. And wouldn't an
image and the
title
be considered "descripions?" I think if I saw the words, "HIGH SEAS
LOVER" and a picture of a half naked pirate on a box, I'd be
very
suspicious about the contents. Also, I really wanted to INQUIRE about
that MYSTERY GIFT, too! And so I did...
To: orders@harlequin.ca
From: SONNYBONE
Subject: Me shippment and the descripion of the myste
Hello once again PATTY GINA DENISE,
I am now wondering of that free MYSTE. Is it worth more than a
novel? Is it, in fact, another novel? That would be a NOVEL
idea! LOL!!! No, seriously...can you give me the descripion
of it? I know that if the descripion is given, that it will no longer
be a myste, no? Wow, I had no idea I would be speaking the Harlequin
slang in a matter of days! Thank you again for that, I tell you!
I am so very sorry to keep bothering you, but I just want to know all I
can about my shippment! I even told my mother about the erotic books
and she told me I shouldn't worry about that and should get a real lady,
but I'm not wanting books for pleasure! No, not when the internet
is available! Now if you have picture books, then that's another
tale, I TELL YOU!!! Thank you girls for all the help, and please
fill me in with a descripion of the myste! OMG Thanx!!!
Your friend,
SONNYBONE
It's been 4 days, and no response. Oh well, I think I milked them long
enough. I don't really have any witty comments to close with, so
I'll just say "The End."
- SonnyBone
